| 987 | AITA for giving my daughter's things back that were taken away as punishment? | I'm 31 and my husband is 30. Our daughter is 7, and she found a puppy in the front yard and played with it. Turns out it belonged to our neighbors, who were looking for it. They accused her of stealing it, and my husband gave her extra chores. She refused to do them, saying she didn't steal the puppy. \n\nThe neighbors came to apologize a bit later, as their son confessed to losing the puppy on a walk when he took it's leash off. That's how it ended up on our yard.\n\nI came home that evening and my husband explained this. He said she should be disciplined for not doing the chores. I said she was right to not accept unearned punishment. He said it's the principle, and she should listen to her father. I said I would rather die than teach her that she should lay down and accept mistreatment.\n\nWe argued and he called me unreasonable. Aita? | Not the A-hole | [I got into it with my husband one time years ago. My oldest son, (from 1st marriage), was maybe 12 at the time. Making a box of Mac n cheese for lunch for himself and little brother. When it came time to put in the butter, he did exactly what he'd eseen me do dozens of times... slice it up so it melts faster before pouring in cold milk. For some reason, husband took issue with him cutting up this little quarter stick of butter. Told him to just drop it in and stir it up and it will melt just fine. My son finished slicing it up while hubby got more irritated. I stepped in trying to explain he's just doing it how he's seen me do it, and trying to figure out why the hell it was such a big deal, like am I missing something that's wrong about slicing butter?? Turned out that husband got mad because my son didn't immediately do what he said. We had a reeeallly long discussion about that kind of attitude. Fortunately he learned his lesson on what is important to make an issue out of and what isn't. And slicing butter is NOT a major issue., Nta. Your husband needs to grow the F up! Part of being a person, especially an adult, is knowing when to admit you made a mistake and apologizing for it! It doesn’t matter if it’s to a child or another adult. He is being unreasonable. \n\nIt’s one thing to consider the words of a stranger and then listen to your child. People will lie, or misunderstand, - that goes for kids AND adults. Why would your husband believe your child was capable of stealing someone’s pet?? That’s a pretty clear I know my kid didn’t do this type of thing. And usually rephrasing a question or explaining things gets a kid that young to admit what they did even if inadvertently. \n\nThe biggest takeaway here is that STRANGERS CAME BACK TO APOLOGIZE for their accusation but dad can’t manage to apologize to his own child not only for not believing her, but levying a punishment with ZERO facts. \n\nNo one should blindly listen to an adult when the adult is wrong- that sets a TERRIBLE precedent of a child not knowing when it’s safe to refuse anything from unwanted contact from a family member or being forced to do something they know is wrong!!, NTA - your husband is trying to instill blind obedience. You daughter obviously has strong critical thinking skills. Unfortunately, this will likely continue because a lot of parents want obedient children more than children that can think for themselves., [deleted], No, you’re not. He, however, is doing her best to teach her that he will punish her regardless of whether she’s guilty or not. What he **should** have done was apologised for not believing her, apologised for not looking deeper into it and apologised for imposing (and is still trying) to impose a punishment for an infraction she did not commit.\n\nIt seems that he will complete mental gymnastics to prove he’s never wrong.\n\nIf he repeats this type of behaviour you will end up with a child who not only distrusts her father but also dislikes him, will keep him at a distance and when the teenage years hit will actively show their disregard for him.\n\nNTA, NTA. She didn’t steal the puppy and she didn’t deserve to be punished. Your husband wants to punish her anyway out of “principle”. The only thing this will teach her is that her father is prepared to punish her for no reason, OP NTA, but both your neighbors and your husband are. Why did your husband immediately believe the neighbors when they claim your daughter stole their puppy? Does he believe she has thievery tendencies? OP, you were not wrong to cancel the extra chores, but I think your husband should probably take some parenting classes, and work on being a better parent., NTA. \n\nMy bigger red flag here is your husband's actions through all of this. He took the word of a stranger over his own child, assigned a punishment based on a misunderstanding that was later cleared up, but refuses to lift the punishment and apologize for his actions toward your daughter. His arbitrary: \n\n>she should listen to her father.\n\nis the bigger red flag for me. He refuses to back down and admit when he is wrong and is keeping up with an unearned punishment he wants to double down on because she fought against it in the first place when it was wrongly assigned. \n\nOP - please keep an eye on this, I'm not saying it IS CURRENTLY abusive behavior, but it's got the leanings of possible future abusive behavior. There is nothing wrong with punishing a child when they actually do something wrong, but there is everything wrong with not admitting to being in the wrong and refusing to apologize when needed. Your husband is an AH., NTA, your husband is. \nWhat principle is he teaching your daughter? that no matter if she is right or wrong if someone with more power than her wants to punish her, it doesn't matter if she is innocent?, NTA. She's been exonerated. Your husband should apologize for the misunderstanding and drop it. That way when he hands out legitimate punishments, she will take them seriously. The purpose of discipline is to teach proper behavior, not to teach submissiveness. He's a father now. He needs to be more reasonable than his child, not less., NTA. What "principle" is he trying to instill other than blind obedience? Fuck that, Daughter is right. She didn't do it! Why do the punishment if you didn't do it. That is like you are pressed to say sorry, for something you haven't done.\n\nAlso she is just 7. What kind of chores did he want her to do anyway? And she is already doing some chores anyway if I read this correctly. Honestly sounds like you have a husband problem. Someone who cant say he was wrong., Your kid is 7 and her dad just thought she straight up STOLE a puppy??? AT SEVEN YEARS OLD?????? \n\nNTA but have a talk with your husband about his thoughts regarding children, I grew up with a dad like this. Refused to admit he was ever wrong about anything and never gave a sincere apology in the entire 18 years I lived at home. We’re low contact now. OP, I’d keep an eye on behavior like that. What power trip does he get from punishing a child for something she didn’t do?, NTA. Damned if she does damned if she doesn’t. She should do what’s right for her, and be strong in a world that will wash you out if it can. A conversation about her refusal to do the work should happen so she can learn the best ways to healthily, successfully, and safely advocate for herself while being respectful. Which she already did lol, Why is your husband not apologizing to your daughter?, NTA, sounds like your husband has some toxic/fragile masculinity going on. \n\nCan’t accept that he was wrong, took neighbors’ words over your daughter’s, and wants to maintain an unjust punishment because he cares more about the principle of him having ultimate authority more than the actual morality of right and wrong., NTA, OP, please keep arguing about this and don't let up. \n\nYour husband's in the wrong and what he's doing is teaching your daughter that it doesn't matter what's right or wrong or if you're guilty, you listen to dad. He's also teaching her that you can't change your opinion, you have to reiterate it and argue so that you're always right. Sometimes when you learn more information your opinion or views change, she should be allowed to do that.\n\nMy dad was the exact same way when I was growing up and I could barely stand him, I didn't wanna be near him and would leave when he came in the room. It was easier just not talking to him because I didn't know what would set him off or what ridiculous thing I'd be yelled at for. I moved out a few years ago and we're a couple hours away from each other, our relationship only got repaired because I started calling him out on his behaviour and he started understanding what I was saying, we're now really close. \n\nYour husband starts breaking the trust and relationship every time he punishes her or yells without reasoning. Eventually she won't like him or will act out/have behaviour problems and then it'll just get worse. He may have only done it once but it just takes a few times for it to become a pattern. Best wishes💛, nta\n\nMake your husband do them. Since he's all about doing punishments even when you didn't do a crime he should be fine doing them with her watching..\n\nKind of like reparations., Your husband wants to punish your daughter because he feels she should have listened to him, **and I’m genuinely curious why the same doesn’t apply to him?**\n\nNTA - He assumed to worst in her, and worse yet wants to continue the punishment to cushion his *own* ego. \n\n**Why can he not admit that he was in the wrong, and did not behave well, and instead wants to carry out an unnecessary punishment born of his own misunderstanding?**, NTA. Good on your daughter for putting her foot down and standing up for herself. Your husband is the asshole though., NTA at all. It makes no sense to punish a child for something they didn’t do, or to teach them to roll over and blindly obey when they’ve been falsely accused, NTA...Is your husband willing to do chores for not listening to his daughter? He should at least apologize., Unreasonable is teaching your child that if she tries to stand up for the truth, she will still be in trouble because even though she was right, he said so.\nOh, and that her father doesn't have her back and won't listen to her.\n\nTell him to keep going. He'll raise a child who doesn't trust him and won't bother telling him anything. \n\nI bet Captain Hypocrite tells her to always be honest, too., Your husband feels he must be obeyed, right or wrong. That is troubling. Who does he think he is? Your seven year old has more sense. Is he this authoritarian about things in general?, You are right and your husband is wrong. He should apologize to your daughter profusely for not believing her, now that he knows for a fact she was telling the truth.\n\nNTA, Your daughter basically saved the puppy and your husband is fixated on his ‘power’., OP, I am 46 years old. I still hold resentment towards my parents from when I got punished for crap I didn't do when I was a kid.\n\nYou are NTA on this one., NTA. You are right. Your daughter is right. Your husband is wrong.\n\n\nI remember being just like your daughter, and my dad was like your husband (at least in this way). I was often confused and hurting and being punished for things that didn't make sense. I could never bring myself to go along with things that don't make sense (turns out I'm autistic, which might explain it). My mum's support was the only thing that got me through. I'm now 33 and Mum lives with me, and I do everything I can for her. She's an amazing woman and mother and she deserves to relax, so I look after her and she does what she likes all the time.\n\n\nStick up for your daughter. It may not keep the peace with other family members, but it will teach her a valuable lesson and she'll probably be grateful forever., My parents refused to admit when they doled out wrong punishments too. Guess how many of their kids are still on speaking terms with them? Guess how many years it’s been since I’ve spoken to them?, NTA. If this is typical of how your husband treats your daughter then you have a serious issue you need to deal with., NTA - This is just your husband refusing to take accountability for the fact that he was wrong. Now he's throwing a tantrum because you won't let him get away with it. Sounds like you have 2 kids OP.\n\nNot only should your husband at least have listened to her side of things before punishing her outright to appease your neighbors (way to teach her she comes dead last after everyone else and he won't have her back, nice one dad), but he should ABSOLUTELY apologize for punishing her for nothing. Giving her extra punishment because she was punished for not doing anything just so your husband doesn't have to deal with his own ego is crazy - and a pathetic idea on his part., NTA. Your husband is tripping. And it’s very alarming to me that he’s so eager to punish a freaking seven year old., How stupid are your neighbors and your husband? A seven year old stealing a dog sounds a bit dramatic don't you think? Do you all live in a correctional facility or something?, NTA. Also I would consider what this message could teach your daughter: that she needs to blindly obey those in authority even if it means being wrongfully mistreated.\nWomen are already pressured to be “polite” and “nondisruptive” and this is just enforcing this message. What if one day- god forbid- a family member tells her to do something inappropriate to them or let them do something inappropriate to her? Her father’s lesson will teach her that that she should let that happen. And if he says that she only needs to listen to you two, that doesn’t mitigate the danger because physical, mental, and sexual abuse can come from parents. \nI don’t know your husband. If this is a one off and uncharacteristic of him, I’d consider sitting down and explaining the danger this could cause. That being said, I urge you to take a deeper look to see if this is a larger pattern of behavior. If it is, I would reevaluate whether the relationship should be salvaged or if your husband could potentially be causing harm to your daughter or you or setting the circumstances up so that he could., NTA, you're absolutely correct, what your husband is talking about is what's called authoritarian parenting and it's no way to raise a happy healthy kid. Your daughter should not be punished for standing up for herself against injustice, and your husband needs to admit when he's wrong.\n\nYour husband's method is a great way to teach your kid to unquestioningly obey authority even when she knows they're wrong, and prioritize "Doing what I'm told" over "Doing what's right" so if that's the goal then go for it. If you want her to grow up to stand up for herself and others then it's not ideal., this scares me. if someone hurts your daughter, god forbid, would your husband not believe his child? and believe the wrongdoer?? will he blame her??\n\n \nthere's no way this man is a good father or husband other than this incident., Your husband is a bully who gets his kicks from forcing his will on a child. That is no way for a child to grow up. \n\nHe needs to sort his shit out FAST and if he doesn't, it's your job to protect her from him., NTA Your Husband owes your daughter an apology., Your husband is an idiot!, Part of being a parent is admitting when you are wrong. Your husband is in the wrong on this one. She should not be punished for something she did not do. What is he trying to teach her here? You get punished whether you did it or not? You’re NTA but he is., My question is how would your kid have stolen the puppy in the 1st place. She's 7 not like she's out wandering the streets searching for lost animals. She was in your front yard. Dad should have had kids back from the beginning., NTA but unfortunately your husband is major asshole, If I've ever given consequences (no devices for rest of day, etc) then found out I was wrong or realized I overreacted the consequence is dropped and I apologize. You're NTA, he needs to be more flexible and empathetic IMO, Nta. When as a child I was wrongly accused by my mom of something, she "fined" me. Dad heard the commotion, admitted that He was responsible, and "fined" himself by giving me the amount of money Mom was going to take from me. Never forgot that. Or let mom forget either!, NTA. Your husband owed his daughter an apology. He seems like the type of parent that will never admit wrong to their child. I have one of those and haven’t spoken to her in years. That’s what you are looking at if he keeps this up. She is being punished for no reason. None. He is an AH., Your husband sounds like a psycho who wants to make her daughter “obey men”; yikes on bikes, NTA but your husband sure is. He owes your daughter an apology and he can do the assigned chores as his punishment for not immediately offering the apology when the neighbors came to say they were mistaken for accusing your daughter of theft., Fast way to teach a kid that being honest doesn't matter and that her parents won't side with her.\n\nNTA, NTA, your husbands thought patterns are though. No one should accept undue punishment, it’s an affront to justice. The ‘I’m your father’ ‘because I said so’ modeling is how people end up deferring to others as a pattern of behavior. That’s wrong on so many fronts. I would die on this hill., NTA and your husband needs some of his toys taken away until he apologizes to his daughter. And extra chores., And Dad can Never be wrong. And Dad can never apologize.\n\nWhat a dick.\n\nYou are NTA. The Justice Department made a fault and now he's looking for reasons to punish her. Is he mentally a teenager, that he must always 'win' and be 'right'? Or is he just a sadist to children? He made a mistake and instead of apologizing, he thinks authority is the same as being inflexible even when he is doubly wrong., NTA, Ask if he thinks she should do stuff for a man just because he is a teacher or her boss. Tell him not only will you not punish her, you expect him to man up and apologize., my dad once punished me for something by making me stand in the corner. it later came out that it wasn't my fault, and i was upset (obviously) so i made him stand in the corner. you know what? he did it. because it wasn't my fault, and it wasn't right that i had been punished for it, and he was willing to make amends for his error.\n\nNTA., NTA. Your spouse is being unreasonable. He should be apologizing to your daughter for not believing her, for jumping to conclusions. His insistence that she should be punished basically 'just because' is a massive massive red flag. He basically trying to teach her that she isn't allowed to protest and unjust punishment, that is so completely wrong that it's appalling., Wow.. If your husband can’t admit he’s wrong, but instead doubles down, that’s a big problem. NTA, NTA. Kudos to you for raising a strong daughter.\n\nFuck your husband for trying to take that away from her., NTA. Your husband should apologize to his daughter for not believing her, and praise her for standing up for herself. What overall lesson does he want her to take away? That older men are always right even when they're wrong?, NTA and make sure that you are always setting an example for your daughter of standing up for yourself when it’s warranted. If she sees you backing down to keep the peace, she is going to see that as normal behavior in relationships. And when she sees you go toe-to-toe with someone trying to bully or manipulate you, she will learn that girls are strong and have the same rights as boys., She's a 7 year old, not fucking Macguyver! \nHow is a 7 year old expected to have 'stolen' the neighbours puppy? \n\nBoth your husband and the neighbours are assholes. At least the neighbours held their hands up at the mistake.\n\n>I said I would rather die than teach her that she should lay down and accept mistreatment.\n\nI heartily commend your stance here.\n\nNTA., Nta. Your husband is a major one and owes you both an apology., NTA, but your husband is. He doesn’t appear to be able to take accountability. That is a toxic trait. Normal healthy people apologize when they make a mistake., NTA you are raising her right to not be afraid to stand up for herself, esp to her dad. She *should* listen to her father and it sounds like she did and he didn’t listen to her back. Blind obedience is not a healthy parent child dynamic.\n\nHe is damaging her trust in him with his refusal to admit he was wrong and apologize for not believing her. He’s an AH for not believing her. I’m curious as to why her didn’t believe her and sided with the neighbors., Wtf is wrong with your husband?? Does he feel bad for being a bad father for listening to strangers and is trying to double down to make himself feel better? \n\nNTA and your husband sucks. I wouldn't make her do the chores or punish her for not doing them, NTA But your husband sure is. First of all I can't believe he would totally dismiss your daughter when she tried to tell him the truth. Second he wants to teach her to be submissive and accept punishment for something she didn't do? Oh yeah he has principles. Please make sure you're the parent that has the most influence. He's awful. He owes her an apology big time! It's a perfect opportunity for him to teach her that yes adults make mistakes but big boys and girls own up to them., NTA. But your husband sure the hell is. Way to not even listen to his kid before jumping to conclusions., NTA\n\nThis is an important lesson for your husband, and your daughter. \n\nWe don't want our daughters being trampled by men who think "they know better". That's how they get molested, cheated out of wages, stuck in abusive marriages.... The list goes on.\n\nStay the course Mama Bear!, What the fuck is wrong with your husband, NTA. Too many women I know have a story about not being able to say no or stand up for themselves during unwanted encounters. And the chief cause was not being given a voice growing up and being taught to just listen to authority, especially a male authority., The courage of your 7 year old daughter should be acknowledged by her father. If he won’t apologize to her she will learn to not trust him. \nJust make sure she knows you have her back when these incidents happen., NTA “she should listen to her father” grossed me out in this context. What he means is “she should do whatever I say without question, even if she knows for a fact that I’m in the wrong.” \n\nYour second to last sentence shows what a good parent you are. He should be apologizing for not believing her, not doubling down. \n\nHalf my problems could be a lot less severe if my parents had believed me when I said I was in pain. Make sure she knows she can always tell you her side, it might prevent some tears in the future., NTA, thank you for standing up for your daughter. NTA, NTA. It would be a great learning moment for both her and him to see that sometimes people are wrong and they apoligize for it., NTA. Actually your husband needs to apologise for mistreating her on a suspicion and not believing her. And then given extra chores as a punishment, NTA, your husband should be proud to have such a strong daughter. And ashamed that he did not belive her! \nA puppy is an escape artist, it could have escaped anytime., Your husband is an irrational asshole for punishing a 7 year-old based on a lie, then he doubles down because he is to be RESPECTED? If he crawls on his belly and apologizes to you and your daughter I would consider giving him another chance. Otherwise you have bigger problems in your marriage! He sounds like a fucking MONSTER!, Wow, is he trying to teach her to be a subservient little woman and accept male authority without question? \n\n\nRemember that how she'll be treated in future relationships will stem from her primary relationship. And so far the message he's sending is it doesn't matter if he's wrong, his word is final and he'll dish out whatever punishment he pleases.\n\n\nIf that isn't abuse of authority, I don't know what the fuck is!\n\n\nYOU are NTA, NTA. You’re reaching your daughter not to lie down and do whatever a man tells her to do just to keep the peace., You are NTA , but your husband is. He had zero evidence that daughter stole a puppy that happened to be in your yard. He is the one being unreasonable. He needs to swallow his pride and apologize to your daughter for not believing her. \n\nYour daughter may have actually saved that puppy's life . If she hadn't played with it , it could have wandered off into traffic., NTA - but your husband is a monster., NTA. 10000%, Nope NTA. I read this story to my husband and he said your response was beautiful and exactly right. Don't reach your daughter to say yes just because "man" based on "principle" \nHe wants to know what the principle was other than a power trip, NTA- and your reasoning is perfect. Nothing else need be said., Your husband is the asshole., NTA. she knew she wasn't wrong, good for her for standing up for herself – and good for her for keeping the puppy safe while its owners tried to find it. if it'd turned out she did steal the puppy, the chores could be reimplemented. But she didn't deserve punishment for something she didn't do., r/updateme NTA I would be careful of the husbend, NTA. Your husband sounds out of his mind., Nta. A lot of learned abuse starts from mindlessly listening to ppl in power (namely men). Glad she stood up for herself. Continuing supporting her!, NTA. Your husband and definitely your neighbors are though. I’d be very wary of your husband’s view on strict obedience even when it doesn’t make sense. He has some work to do on himself., NTA.\n\nYour daughter stood up for herself when she was u fairly punished and accused of something she didn’t do. Your husband wants to teach her that doing so is bad, because the most important rule she follow is obedience to him. He owes her an apology., NTA\n\nGetting a very “my word is law, my way or the highway” vibe from hubby. \nAs the daughter of a father like that, it is a HORRIBLE precedent to set. In addition to your valid and accurate concern of teaching her to accept unearned punishment, it’s also teaching her a very skewed view of “authority” and that someone with authority (perceived or real) has the right to walk all over her. PLUS it very very much teaches her she can’t trust her father to be on her side, to believe her, to back her up over the word of someone with more perceived authority (due to the neighbor being older) than her. \n\n\nNot to delve too deep into it, but I also have to wonder if the neighbor who said she did it was a guy. Guys, especially guys who love being in places of authority, will automatically trust another guy’s word over even their own female family members because they were likely socialized to trust men over women in any and every situation. \n\n\nMaybe this is being dramatic but what happens if a man, heaven heaven heaven forbid, is inappropriate with your daughter? From this alone she is shown she will start out not being believed, and even if the truth comes out, it doesn’t matter cuz clearly she must have done SOMETHING wrong (victim blaming) to ultimately justify being punished anyway, even if it wasn’t lying about the initial “offense”. \n\n\nI am not trying to fear monger, and maybe having a father like that colors my response a bit, but this is an extremely dangerous and damaging precedent to set. That she must roll over and take whatever punishment someone in authority wants to dole out, regardless of justification. Especially from a man, especially especially a man she is supposed to trust with her safety and wellbeing., NTA. wtf is your husband insane??, tbh, it was being punished for standing up for myself that led to years of SA, that graduated to years of DV silently endured. Stand by your daughter and her rights. NTA and your husband is TA., NTA. Parents are not gods. It's okay for a parent to admit that they were wrong., Fuckity fuckity fuck that\n\nMy dad was like that - he worked hard to instill obedience. I was never allowed to question adults without getting in trouble. So, when a person of authority sexually assaulted me as a young child, I was too scared to do anything about it. I didn't even tell anyone because I didn't quite understand exactly how in the wrong they were. I had been trained not to question, so I stayed silent. I thought I would get in trouble\n\nMaybe this example is a little bit on the extreme side, but this isn't particularly rare... a lot of the people I've talked to who were SAed as a kid stayed silent for similar reasons. They were taught to obey obey obey - *especially the girls*..\n\n\nSo.. super duper NTA., NTA, and you and your husband are long past time for a serious discussion on authority vs authoritarianism and parenting.\n\nBecause based on the way you described things he made a snap decision, ignored everything your daughter said, sided with a random stranger, went instantly into punishment mode, and then when he found out he was wrong he doubled down because she didn't respect his ah-thora-tay. \n\nYou clearly know that's not a good way to raise a child, especially not if you want her to be capable of being an independent, thinking, human being with an understanding of justice.\n\nThe biggest, most important, lesson here is that sometimes authority can be wrong. And a reasonable authority figure will admit error and apologize. Which your husband hasn't done., NTA- nope, your daughter should be encouraged for standing up for herself and praised for it. \n\n\nShe told the truth. And she was punished called a liar. And now your husband wants to punish her further?\n\n\nI'm serious. The reason why it's so easy for predators to get by is because children's parents teach them to submit to the older person because they're older. They must be right. They're their father. They must be right. \n\n\nDo what I say without regards if I'm accurate.\n\n\nIt leaves someone extremely vulnerable to exploitation. Your daughter's years are very formative. \n\n\nYou might talk to her about how she feels about this., NTA; husband however....\n\nAs a former child therapist, your husband is technically being abusive here.\n\nThis power ego trip is the worst to encounter and one of the main reasons I burned out and now advocate on places like reddit.\n\nYour daughter actually displayed some amazing autonomy in this situation; by realizing she wasn't in the wrong and therefore not adhering to a punishment that shouldn't exist. She should be praised for speaking the truth, and her father owes her an apology and maybe even a gift or treat. Moments like this can dictate your relationship with the kid... Do you punish her for doing no wrong and setting up a rhetoric she is never to be trusted and to only listen to you... Or praise her for sticking up to her truth and figuring out ways to prevent this miscommunication in the future, which will solidify trust between parents and child and lead to the child not being afraid to seek you guys out in the future. Do you abuse a child to protect one's fragile ego, or push your ego aside and parent the child?\n\nParenting is one of the hardest things to do but there exists so many books and professionals who have dedicated their lives to the subject. Please listen and set that ego aside, or you potentially are setting your daughter up for a dysfunctional family where your daughter doesn't feel safe in her own home. For disclosure, I have PTSD from the style of parenting your husband is employing, and from being a former child therapist; my story is a common one with themes no one should ever have to go through. All of those stories start with little incidents like this incident here where your husband is incapable of setting his ego aside in order to parent properly., NTA, i have a 7 year old daughter too and as big as pain in the ass it is to have them strong willed and independent it is the goal. If the neighbors apologized then you and your husband should have a talk with her about the situation and apologize for not believing her. At that age it is incredibly important for them to feel heard and understood, and she was right. So i guess your both actually the asshole for not believing your daughter in the first place., ...] | 2250 | 22034 | 0.97 | /r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1g56ce3/aita_for_giving_my_daughters_things_back_that/ | 2024-10-16 13:25:17 | NaT | 0 | 0 | 154 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 2 |
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| 988 | AITA for losing my shit over cookies when my DIL tossed them out | I am a good baker, I enjoy making sweet treats for everyone to enjoy. My DIL (Emily) is very heath conscious and even more so now that's they have two kids. She is the type of person who avoids sugars, mostly eats organic, and avoids processed foods.\n\nWhen the grandkids visit I usally make cookies or something sweet for them to enjoy. Every single times she sees them she usually goes on about how they are unhealthy. We got into an argument about this a few months ago about not giving the kids junk. I pointed out everything is homemade and I am not only serving them cookies. My son stepped in on this and we compromised that the kids can have one cookie when they are here. \n\nThis was good for a while until yesterday. The kids came over last night and I made a batch of cookies. They were cooling on the rack. Emily and my son decided to chat a bit before heading out. During that time Emily went into the kitchen and throw away the cookies. \n\nWhen I asked her why she did it, she claimed I was doing me a favor since they are unhealthy. \n\nI told yelled at her saying that she had no right to throw away food that I had worked hard to make. She got defensive and said she was just trying to help. My son stepped in and told me to calm down, but I was furious. Emily left the room in tears, and now my son is saying I overreacted and should apologize.\n\nI told my son that I will not be babysitting until he handles this situation and i will not apologize \n | Not the A-hole POO Mode | [NTA. \n\nYes, parents get to decide how their children eat, and I think other people should respect that, unless it creates a burden (aka, if they want kids to eat vegan, but it is difficult to cook a separate meal, or they want specific foods but are unwilling to pay for those foods). \n\nIn this case, you could not serve the kids cookies at all, even if you are doing them a favor by babysitting. But you all COMPROMISED and agreed the kids could each have a cookie. And your DIL didn't just decide her kids couldn't have cookies, she threw away cookies for YOU, that you made, with your own ingredients. \n\nYou need to be clear with your son, you all agreed to this compromise, and it was incredible rude for your DIL to throw away your own food in your own home, and there is NO excuse for that. Would he be okay with you going in to their home and opening up the cupboards and throwing away anything you wanted? No of course not. If DIL had decided she didn't want her kids to have cookies, she could have said that, instead she destroyed YOUR property. \n\nYou have nothing to apologize for, you didn't even call her names, you just yelled at her about the exact thing she did wrong. SHE needs to apologize to you and fully recognize that she drastically overstepped in what is appropriate in someone else's home. She wasn't trying to "help" and they both know that, and I wouldn't let them back in my home at all until they could fully appreciate that and apologize., NTA What in the world gave Emily the idea she could throw away cookies in someone else's home. She doesn't even have the excuse that she thought they were old or stale or some how not good to eat, because you said they were on a cooling rack!!! Emily owes you an apology, because she clearly overstepped in your home. She has a right to say what she wants her kids to eat or not eat but does not have that right over what you eat and what you have in your kitchen., NTA - how is throwing out food not an overreaction? DIL has a ferociously unhealthy relationship with food if she can't even control her actions around food that doesn't belong to her.\n\nFood isn't healthy or unhealthy, it's just food. If she cared so much, she could teach her child about moderation and making choices that are good for their body, rather micromanaging what the people around her consume.\n\nYou've already come to a reasonable compromise regarding what the children eat while in your home. \n\nIf the DIL apologizes for throwing out your food, it is only fair to apologize for raising your voice and/or using unkind words—but she disrespected you in your own home, it's absurd that she thinks you would thank her for it., NTA\n\nEmily is rude as hell. The occasional cookie or two won't kill the kids, [deleted], I'm a baker and this would tick me off something fierce. \n\n\nBut, more importantly - you're babysitting, right? It's not just that they're visiting. You're taking care of the kids so your son and DIL can go out.\n\n\n... And of course they're not paying you. \n\n\nSo yeah, NTA. You all agreed that one cookie would be all right, and presumably you would give them one from that batch, but your DIL went and threw them all out. And all that, before she + your son got to go out, while you did free work for them? The entitlement; it burns., NTA. DIL sounds like a bully who uses health as a pretext to control people around her. If this was about health, DIL could recommend baking recipes that don't call for tons sugar and butter, there are vegan, lactose and gluten free, low carb etc etc recipes. \n\nAlso, taboo foods often lead to eating disorders, it's definitely better to teach kids moderation, that right out ban stuff. , [removed], Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.\n\nOP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:\n\n > AITA for losing my shit over cookies when my DIL tossed them out. I may be a jerk since I did lose my cool and may have overreacted.\n\nHelp keep the sub engaging!\n\n#Don’t downvote assholes!\n\nDo upvote interesting posts!\n\n [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)\n\n##Subreddit Announcements\n\nFollow the link above to learn more\n\n---\n\n*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*\n\n*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*, *told my son that I will not be babysitting until he handles this situation and i will not apologize*\n\nGood for you. Emily was completely out of line. NTA, NTA\n\nIt's ok to be health conscious. It's ok to want your children to limit sweets and snacks.\n\nIt's NOT ok to throw away other people's food because they don't agree with you. DIL is an entitled asshole and needs to do the apologizing. I'd even send her a bill for the cost of the cookies she threw away., Question were you really only giving them one cookie? I know I had to stop taking my kids to my dad and Stepmom‘s house because they would always make special treats when the grandkids came. I had to stop bringing them over because they would come back with diarrhea and upset stomach. And we had a similar rule. It was one dessert after dinner not all day grazing., NTA! You didn’t lose it over cookies 🍪 but over the unmitigated gall of someone coming into your home and throwing away your food 🍲! No one has the right to do something like that!\n\nShe needs to apologize for her rude behavior and replace all the ingredients used in what she threw away. She should also pay for OPs time.\n\nShe’s a total ASSHOLE!, NTA she is going to give her kids an eating disorder by labeling foods as good & bad. A healthy diet & a healthy relationship with food consists of moderation., NTA. \n\nWhy would she even touch the food you're making in your own kitchen?, But if you know she doesn’t want her children to have that stuff, why do you always bake it when they are around. She may have been the AH in this particular situation, but it is really an asshole move to continue to bake every time they are there, knowing it makes her uncomfortable. Her kids, her choice. Stop trying to manipulate the situation., INFO\n\nWow. I can't even vote. Is there another side of the story at all? There's no way that DIL's comment "I'm just trying to help" can be reconciled with "Somebody just spent time and effort making cookies." Could this episode be a symptom of a much larger problem even beyond cookies?, I have a sneaking feeling this may be more than just a cookies/sweets issue. If you’re comfortable continuing to entice your gkids with freshly baked cookies knowing their mom isn’t keen on it, I wonder what else you may do that looks like a power play to mom., #This is now a Proctologists Only Orifice\r\n\r\nWhen a post is in [POO™ mode](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/168bzq8/title_aita_monthly_open_forum_september_2023) only users with enough subreddit comment karma are able to comment. If that doesn't include you, no worries! Check out [/new](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/new) for other posts that are still open for comment. \r\n\r\n##[Be Civil.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules)\r\n\r\nPlease review our FAQ if you're unsure what that means. Thank you for reporting content that you believe violates our rules and helping keep posts out of the POO by abiding by our rules., ESH. You were repeatedly told what you give the kids is against the parents’ wishes. It doesn’t matter why you disagree. If they were vegan and you gave the kids bacon every time they visit because “it’s homemade and not the only food I give them so they shouldn’t be upset,” no one would be on your side. So that’s why you suck. \n\nShe sucks because throwing them out and wasting food was an extreme measure. She obviously didn’t even want to agree to the one cookie, and the kids would melt down if they saw them and she just said no. \n\nWhich you knew, which is why you go to the time, expense, and energy of making 2-3 dozen cookies for 2 to be given and made sure they were fresh and hot so they filled the house with the aroma and displayed them on the counter so they would be seen. If you were really following what they wanted, you’d have them in a cookie jar and ask parents each time before offering to the kids. \n\nI still think tossing the whole batch was unnecessary and extreme, but if my MIL went so far out of her way every single visit to go against my wishes for my kids’ diets, I might get fed up and do something extreme too. And you know what? “I won’t be baby-sitting anymore.” She got what she wanted. You won’t be giving them cookies anymore. And I don’t believe for a second you only gave them one cookie each. \n\nTo be clear, I think it’s a little silly and a couple cookies a week won’t kill them. But neither my opinion nor yours matter. Just follow her instructions or stop seeing the grandkids. Those are the options., Why was Emily crying?! Ugh? So rude. NTA!, Oh, screw that! The entitled health food nut had no right to throw out your fresh homemade baked goods...and tell your son to grow a pair, because his selfish wife did NOT do it to help you - she did it to be a witch, and she doesn't deserve an apology.\nHer fake tears were to make your son feel bad for her and be on her side. If he wants to play her game, I'd make them reimburse for the cost of making the cookies - including labor - to teach Little Miss Healthy Witch to keep her claws off of your food in the future.\nYou are NTA...but you should know who IS.. but I'll give you a hint: she's a health nut., You're NTA.\n\nSounds like Emily has an unhealthy food relationship. Poor kidlets., NTA. She wouldn’t be allowed at my house either., What a B. She knows she's being an ass and that's why she started crying., Whether they are unhealthy or not is irrelevant.\n\nYou had agreed to her limit on what the children ate.\n\nShe was absolutely unhinged to throw away something from someone else’s house.\n\nYour big job now is repair with your son. \n\n#Ask him if she would bin someone else’s food at anyone else’s house.\n\nOnce he realised that it would never have happened anywhere else, then repair can start. Nta, That's how you give kids eating disorders. NTA, It’s been proven that kids that are denied sweet treats as children often overindulge as adults as they have the freedom to do so. Making something forbidden only makes them want it more. A healthy balanced diet means having some sweet treats every now and again. As a baker myself that would push me to enraged if someone did that to me. It’s ignorant she wasn’t going it to be helpful she was doing it to get her own way. NTA, ESH, she shouldn't have thrown away the cookies, she had no right. She also shouldn't have claimed she was doing you a favour when she knew full well it was a purely selfish act. \n\nHowever, you shouldn't be giving the kids cookies when their parents ask you not to, which is why I chose ESH. You admit that you made the cookies to share with the kids, not just for you. You know you DIL doesn't want the kids eating cookies and you repeatedly choose to bake fresh cookies and have them out and cooling, knowing the kids will smell them and ask for some. Nobody can resist freshly baked cookies, especially not kids. You're also accidentally/subconsciously teaching them that it's okay to ignore their mother's rules by giving them cookies when she's openly said she doesn't want them eating them. \n\nI personally don't agree with banning kids from eating things they're not allergic to because it creates unhealthy relationships with food, but I accept that as long as the kids are physically healthy, it's not my place. By openly disrespecting the parents' rules, you're creating a rift between the parents and yourself, and you lose the ability to give the kids a supportive adult. \n\nIf the kids get upset about not having cookies anymore, a simple "I personally don't get it, but this is your mum's decision and I respect her. Why don't we see if we can make something she'll approve of that we'll like too?" is a great way to show kids that we can respect people's decisions even when we don't understand/agree with it. \n\nThe kids will grow up and decide to either follow in their mum's footsteps or eat whatever they want. It's most likely the latter and, if you handle this right, the kids'll be showing up at yours with their first wages, asking for the cookie recipe. Maybe they'll maintain a good relationship with DIL as adults, maybe a rift will have formed between them, but at least you can hand on heart say you had no part in it. \n\nIf you truly enjoy babysitting and spending time with your grandkids, I'd recommend looking up healthy snacks and talking to your DIL about the recipes you find, see if there's a compromise you come to where you can still bake for the kids and keep your DIL happy., ESH\n\nEmily had no right to throw something away in your home. She agreed to the 1 cookie decision, and it sounds like it was adhered to during this visit. There was no reason for her to escalate.\n\n>My son stepped in on this and we compromised that the kids can have one cookie when they are here. \n\nThey are the parents, not you. No one has to compromise with you when it comes to the kids. The fact that you even argued with her about her decision as their parent is ridiculous.\n\n Now, if your son and her want to work the cookie situation at home and come to a compromise, that is fine. \n\nWhy not find another way to connect with your grandkids. Or put effort into learning a treat recipe that fits their diet choice. That would have actually been a nice thing for you and DIL to collaborate on., NTA your DIL is very controlling and entitled, I would be furious, ingredients are not cheap, she has no right to take it upon herself and disrespect your home. I would refuse completely to babysit, she needs to apologise to for being so rude, Hot take: ESH \n\nMom has an issue with you feeding her kids cookies. Doesn't matter why, or how you feel about it. She said no. You "but I'm the granny and it's cookies though!" argued with her. You should have RESPECTED her choice for HER kids. That makes you 1 asshole in this situation. \n\nBut to throw out cookies YOU were going to eat, because DIL felt they were bad for YOU...she's an asshole too. Whole family of assholes. Whole entire family of assholes., ESH Emily wants to raise her kids with a healthy diet, and while I agree that a cookie here and there won't hurt them, that's not your call to make. For Emily, this may be about more than the damn cookie. Maybe it makes it harder for her at home. Maybe she knows obesity runs in her family. Maybe she's just tired of the disrespect. It really doesn't matter - her kids, her rules. \n\nI put everyone sucks because she should have just stopped letting you babysit instead of throwing out the cookies. But you've quit now, so everyone wins. Yes, everyone else sucks, but you the most., YTA,\n\nI say this as a childfree person. Emily is the MOTHER, you are not. She doesn't want you to make cookies and yet you constantly overrule her and give HER KIDS cookies. Your son doesn't want you to do so but COMPROMISED to keep you happy. \n\nYou claim to be a good baker, then surely you can find something that you and DIL agree upon to make. There are countless sugar-free and organic things you can bake without processed foods, but then again that takes actually listening to your DIL and respecting her first. That is something I am guessing you are incapable of doing., Seriously? She has asked you time and again to not give cookies to her children and you have fought back to the point where you are now causing arguments in her marriage. If the mother of the children says no cookies, then no cookies. Bake for someone else. \n\nIf someone tried to overstep my say as a mom and caused a fight between me and my husband, I would be pretty upset about it. That she only threw out the cookies, and didn't just stop allowing you access to her children, shows a level of maturity that you should strive for. \n\nBasically, get over yourself. You are not the mother of the children or the wife of your son. You are overstepping. Over cookies of all things., YTA. You’re not fooling anybody with this “the cookies were cooling on the rack” bullshit.\n\nYou weren’t satisfied with the one cookie compromise and wanted the kids to see a bunch of cookies so they’d know it was their mom who was keeping them away. “If it were up to me, kids, you could have these, but mommy says no,” etc.\n\nStop your passive aggressive bullshit and let your son and DIL raise their kids., NTA\n\nI understand the mom's concern BUT a compromise was put in place where they could have one cookie. But even if she changed her mind, there was no reason for her to throw away all the cookies you just made. This was very mean spirited of her. She's a nasty person. I am sorry OP., Of course, DIL shouldn’t have thrown away the cookies in OPs house, she had no right. However, I’m not very sympathetic to OP if she indeed repeatedly violated her DIL rules of what DIL kids are allowed to eat. If the parents don't want their kids to eat cookies, don't feed them cookies. ESH, Sounds like they can’t really trust that you will respect their food restrictions. Why they let the kids with you unsupervised is beyond me., [removed], ESH - She has the right to dictate what her children eat, you are not entitled to disregarding her feeling about feeding her children... Even if you are babysitting. In the same vein she has no right to dictate what you eat in your house, and was not entitled to throw your cookies out., YTA because you knowingly gave kids a sugary treat after you were asked not to. You are disrespecting your son and dil. They should not have to compromise about it. Their kids, their rules. Dil should not have thrown away food you cooked in your home and that made her TAH too but again, you overstepped., NTA. She has no right to dictate what you prepare or consume in your home, and had already reached a compromise regarding the children having a single cookie at your house.\n\nThrowing away your food was both a waste of resources but also a waste of the time you put into them., “Losing my shit over cookies”\n\nDidn’t read the rest but yes, you are the asshole. Cookies ain’t ever worth losing your shit over. Have some damn perspective. Life’s too short to be furious over baked goods., I would say ESH and everyone should present excuses. Indeed, what she did what wrong and disrespectful, especially considering the love, money and effort that went into the making of the cookies. Throwing away good food with ingredients that are expensive these days was irresponsible and food waste is a real scandal.\n\nBut reading your story, it sounds like you don't respect the parents' decision to not feed the kids sugary foods. You probably have discussed this issue several times, shown disapproval, but hey... at the end of the day, THEY are the parents. THEY do all the decisionmaking on what they think is right for their kids and YOU have to respect that too. It doesn't sound like you respect that though. You maybe don't share their point of view but they are doing what they think is best for their kids. The little ones are not starving and they are well fed.\n\nSticking to the one cookie compromise would be good but you could also prepare something else if you really wanted to. It depends on what matters the most: "absolutely cooking something sweet because you think you are right and the parents are wrong" OR "just doing a nice gesture for the kids by cooking something nice for them". And if it is the latter, I'm pretty sure you can find something amazing you could prepare that the parents will really approve of., ESH. You’re not following instructions someone else is giving you about their kids. You don’t get to decide the diet of other people’s children. That being said Emily needs to take a different approach with you, tossing the cookies wasn’t cool. Be careful being an asshole to your DIL, you may lose access to your grandkids.\n\nAlso you say you’re a baker… are you not capable of making something savory? Are you not capable of adjusting to low sugar recipes? If you can only make cookies how are you a baker?] | 4639 | 21975 | 0.96 | /r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1eyksqv/aita_for_losing_my_shit_over_cookies_when_my_dil/ | 2024-08-22 09:31:14 | NaT | 3 | 0 | 23 | 0 | 11 | 0 | 1 |
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| 989 | AITA for how I reacted when my parents surprised my 16 year old little sister with a new car for her birthday after she finished her cancer treatment but bought me a $25 gift card and a book for mine which was just two weeks later? | My sister was diagnosed with with cancer last year. It has been hard on our family and even harder on her. I love my sister and I tried to be there for her as best as I could. I also did everything I could to make things easier for my parents. I took over all chores, cooked everyday, cleaned the house, did laundry, took care of my younger sibling and babysat them more.\n\nLuckily she is doing really well and has recently finished her treatment which is great and we are all grateful. Our birthdays are two weeks apart and hers was two weeks ago. My parents bought her a new car to celebrate after everything she went through which I understand, she does deserve it but I was a bit surprised because I thought they didn't have any money. My dad has been unwilling to help me get a used car since last year telling me that they do not have the money. \n\nI didn't even want him to pay for all of it, I have been saving up and just wanted them to help me with the rest but he kept telling me that they have no money for that. Well my birthday just rolled around and my parents bought me a book that I mentioned in passing and a $25 take out gift card to a place I like. I thanked them but they saw that I wasn't too thrilled and asked me what was wrong. \n\nI told them that while I appreciate the gifts, I thought that they were finally going to help me with the remaining $800 for buying the used car seeing that they could now afford a new car for my sister. But that's when they accused me of being jealous of my sister who had just gone through something very traumatic and that I was trying to make everything about me and why couldn't just be happy for her. They said that at the end of the day I have a job and could just continue saving. Am I the asshole?\n | Not enough info | [NTA. It's not jealousy to feel undervalued. I understand your sister has been through hell but siblings of sick kids always seem to get lost in the panic.\n\nIt's entirely up to you, but if it were possible, I'd really talk to your parents about how this made you feel. You stepped up and took care of the household while never giving up on your sister. I think they're probably scared and I get that the diagnosis changed everyone's lives, but if they continue to paint this picture of you in their heads that you're resentful and jealous, that can so negatively impact your relationship with them in the future.\n\nETA: advice, NTA, Yes your sister went through a lot but so did you. I understand that while she was going through treatment she may have gotten more gifts from friends, family, etc. But when giving gifts to you and your sister for birthdays Christmas etc, there values should be equal.\n\nThis is very easy. I know because I have two daughters and when my youngest was four she was diagnosed with a cancerous brain tumor. She went through surgery and treatment and I never treated her any better than I treated her 7-year-old sister. Yes, she received about 15 stuffed animals from friends and family and only one of those friends Thought to get a stuffed animal for Brenda as well and an aunt and uncle that bought tablets for both of them. When she came to the hospital to visit her sister I took her down to the gift shop and let her select a stuffed animal. She didn't get 15 but she got two and she was happy with that. But when it came to their birthdays and Christmas I always tried to make it equal. I love them both very much and it was hard on both of them.\n\nI let my oldest know that I appreciated all her help and her patience and I apologized that I was spending so much more time with her sister out of town and at the hospital. But that all changed when we came home after the treatment was over. Then I spent my time with both of my girls. \n\nDid your parents favor your sister before the cancer diagnosis? \n\nYour parents should be grateful for all the help you gave them while your sister was sick helping around the house. I'm sorry they don't recognize that. One day you will find someone that will recognize you for all you are worth. Hang on to that person and if your parents don't change I would distance yourself from them. Keep the people in your life that appreciate you and all that you do., NTA. This is a surefire way for your parents to create a situation where you resent both them and your sibling. I understand wanting to do something nice for your sister after what she's been through, but the gifts are really unproportionate and I'm not sure why they thought that was a good idea. Especially if you've been carrying the weight of chores and housework for others while your sister has been sick. \n\nI think you should work more hours to save up for a car faster. And since you'll be working more, you should stop contributing as much to the household in terms of cooking, cleaning, and childcare., INFO: how old are you and what did you get for your 16th birthday?, I'd get more hours at work so you can save more for that car. If you can't babysit anymore, well too bad. You are just doing what they said, right? Also, I would study more in a quiet library or start volunteering in your community and so on. All those extra chores you have done to help out, nope. They can do them now that the treatments are over., NtA. \n\n\nThis would be the end of me helping out. Do your chores and move on. \n\n\nIt's sad that your sister has to deal with cancer. But the gap between gifts is too much. And if you keep giving, your resentment will keep building. , Your parents really said, you are making your own birthday all about you? Ah yeah that’s the point of birthdays. NTA but I would consider trying to talk to them again if they are normally reasonable people they might not have realised how it would look to you and be ashamed and embarrassed., NTA. Stop helping out. Tell them to hire a cleaner and a babysitter. Then move out., My younger sister was diagnosed with severe health issues from birth. She was never supposed to walk, but looking at her now, you'd never know. She was always doted over. One year for Christmas, my grandparents bought my sister and I all matching gifts and made us open them at the same time. The last gift was a box. Inside of mine was a keychain souvenir. Hers had the same keychain but also had the keys for a brand new (next model year) car. I was not "allowed" to be upset by this according to my parents and grandparents. No one else could see the issue in how cold and calculated this was. \n\nSimilarly, I had to take out loans for college. They paid for my sister's entire education. Their reasoning was that she had already struggled enough but I didn't know what struggle was. \n\nI no longer speak to any of them for this and a plethora of other reasons. \n\nTldr NTA!, Dick move on your parents part. Also a weird one. Giving a brand new car to a 16yo when you don't have much free money is such a weird choice, also when knowing that your other child is trying to save up for a used one.\n\n>and just wanted them to help me with the rest but he kept telling me that they have no money for that.\n\nWell, yeah. They needed all the money to get your sister a new car, lol., [deleted], NTA you parents are the AH´s they are favoring one child over the other, I am afraid it happens alot when one child had a bad desease, and I would have reactede alot stronger I would have given them a piece of my mind, and told them they loose me, if they ever treated me like that, just get away from them, they will always put her before you now, Time to take more hours at work and of your at school spend more time there. Oops, sorry parents, I'm saving money. I can't clean today, sorry studying for school can't babysit. Stop helping them and tell them you helped while she was sick, and she's clearly fine now. Be grateful that you helped so much then. Save, and when you can, leave. Nta., Well the good part is now you know what you should gift them on any occasion, When i was 25 and my brother was 29, my dad offered him half the price of a trip to japan for his birthday and i received a restaurant dinner with the entire family. \n\nI don't ask him for anything anymore. Why bother eh. \n\nNta, NTA- I get it, cancer is scary, but the fact that you picked up a lot of the slack in the household for them and that went unnoticed/unappreciated is not okay. \n\nThey clearly haven’t put any effort in with you because your sister is sick and that’s leading to a “golden child” issue that will come back to bite them.\n\nTry explaining why you feel the way you do, point out everything that’s unbalancing the scales and if they’re still stubborn LC and stop helping out as much., NTA\n\nSo you have basically been a unpaid housekeeper for about a year, preventing you from taking a extra job and saving up those 800, and they can afford to buy her a new car. Yeah, this does not add up nicely., Nta and also, why can you not feel jealous? Its a perfectly normal feeling. But its not even the case here. Your parents could have easily make the situation less unfair by saying that they acknowledge that your sisters gift is more special and over the top and its because they wanted to cheer her up after being sick and that you didnt get that af your 16th, but that they will help you get the car you really want. \nI mean why are parents this blind to unfair treatment between siblings?, NTA - I’m a parent of a chronically ill child. My oldest took it upon himself to help us by understanding and learning how to care for his young sibling. We are a family and we all care for each other. I wish my youngest didn’t have to deal with this - NOR do I wish my oldest to feel as though he has to be equally responsible for their siblings health. We help each other cause we love each other. I notice how much my oldest does and thank him as much as I can and hug him as much as I can. They are different but both deserved attention for the different situations they are in. \nI would’ve given you a car because of what you have done to help your family through this time. You sacrificed as much just differently. As I parent - I see you, your contribution, and selflessness. \n\nYou are a good kid. \n\nI hope you can speak with your parents about this and they are able to see how short sighted they have been. I get being super anxious and worried - I do understand it happens. But I hope they can see the other side of it too. Take care of yourself - you seem to be on the right track and a good person., NTA. Your issue isn’t with what your sister got. It’s with the extremely lopsided behavior they’re showing. This sucks but I’m not sure they will change. Try to talk to your sister and be sure she understands your problem isn’t with her, it’s with your parents. Try to keep her on your team, you might need her as an ally later since your parents probably won’t change., NTA - You didn’t make this all about you. Your parents did with their heavily disproportional favoritism. They don’t seem to see they have two children. They have one child and one personal assistant. \n\nI’m sorry you are having to go through this., NTA I think it’s really crucial to acknowledge that a diagnosis impacts everyone in the family. Your parents and yourself included. While your sister is deserving of love and care - so do all of you. It’s so sad how many family members are left behind when illness strikes, creating another ripple in the drama., NTA As in an earlier comment, now you take care of you.\nYour parents can now take care of the house, the\nchores, etc. and you get to live your life without\nhelping anyone out but yourself. Bravo for being a\nvery considerate son and brother while things were\nrough. Your sister was ill but you were stepping\nup in a major way all the while., NTA I saw in another post you got headphones for your 16th and you're 19 now. This is hugely disappointing and you're legally an adult but you're still so young. I feel like you really stepped up for your family at a really difficult time so I'm sure it's extra hurtful. I think the jealousy statement is unfair, the situation is unfair. \n\nMight be a good idea to sit down with your parents and have a chat when tempers aren't so hot and they've had some time to think about what you told them (even if it sounds like they dismissed you) and explain how you're feeling, but I'd probably talk to your sister first to make it clear you're obviously not mad at her or jealous or anything else. \n\nIt's tricky because obviously your parents are people too and they've gone through every parents worst nightmare, they're probably just very relieved it's over (I'm hoping for the best here), but the gifts are just wildly disproportionate. \n\nReally hoping you get your closure on this OP, sounds like you're an amazing daughter and sister\n\n\n\nEdit: paragraph cut off and a word., Now that your sister has kicked cancer it’s time to be selfish. No more babysitting. Relinquish all housekeeping except your room. All those hangouts and parties you’ve missed out on go. Pick up a few extra shifts at your job and buy your own car. You have every right to be disappointed in your parents they have let you down and gave you your first & 2nd introductions to adulthood “life ain’t fair” & “you can only count on yourself”., NTA - one sibling having a potentially fatal diagnosis doesn’t justify doing things that make you feel less valued., NTA - you all went through a a lot and I get they thought they might lose her but perhaps they need to also think what this different treatment will do to you. If they keep abusing your good nature and dismissing you with unbalanced acknowledgment then you’ll be the one they loose., NTA. Your parents parentified you and treated you like crap. Get away fast and don't look back. Also make it clear that you are done with them. , NTA. Your parents obviously have a favorite child. On the plus side, since you now know your worth to them, you can save money on buying gifts., You're not the asshole. If anything I would've gotten you the car for picking up the slack! Hugs to you baby, we mess up so much as parents., NTA, Nta. Thankfully, you are an adult, so you can move out whenever you want., NTA Your parents have forgotten that they have more than one child just because one became sick. You could be lost to them tomorrow too. Ask them if your sister getting sick had no affect on them? Of course it did. Then ask them why think it had no affect on you? You aren't being jealous, you are asking to be shown that they care and appreciate all you did for them while they helped your sister through her cancer. Work hard and leave as soon as possible., I'm sorry this happened to you. I would stop investing your time in your family, because they’re never going to appreciate it. Unfortunately, due to being the golden child and having cancer, your sister is always going to come in first. You could go to the end of the Earth for these people and back, but they’ll never appreciate it. Only do things for you from now on. NTA, Parents promised to give me their old car when I turned 16. Didn't happen. Then parents promised to 'help' me buy a car. They didn't. I managed to buy a complete junker for $800 and my grandfather helped me fix it up. \n\nA year later they bought my younger brother a nice little car. He backed it into a parked car, so they bought him a truck. He drove that into their garage door. So they punished him with a new Camero. \n\nI learned to be self sufficient and have been my entire adult life while brother still asks mommy and daddy for 'help'. He's a grown man with a wife and kids. \n\nWhatever my parents' intentions were, I feel like I won. There is a lesson here. Make what you will of it., NTA, I wish it was possible to say "get better parents", NTA. They take advantage of you in 3 years ago for that same birthday they only got you headphones. Your sister may have been the golden child before or maybe just since she had cancer but I would just tell your parents to kick rocks and don't do any extra help around the house or watch your siblings or anything extra that you don't have to. I saw a friend's parents destroy their family because the middle kid got cancer in high school so they ignored or treated the other kids worse and the cancer kid grew spoiled which kind of ruined his life, NTA. I get they are relieved but they should be thanking you for the extra you did. Would ha e been better to buy her a 2nd hand car (I suspect she is also a new driver.) and prangs are inevitable. \n\nThe only thing that may make sense is that they couldn't get an unsecured loan for two cars but could get car finance but still they should have tried harder, Your parents ATA, or at the least, not great adults.. You do you, you’ll obviously not live up to your parent’s preference for your sis, but that’s not your fault.. Nor hers…Chin up and continue to be the reliable, standup person you are.., NTA. Your parents are misguided, they are probably just glad your sister is recovering. They are over compensating, it’s understandable but unfair to you and your siblings. This dynamic will probably remain in place unless or until something happens therapy or such. Sorry OP..sometime life is just unfair., NTA. Your parents meant well with your sister but I think they overdid it. \n\nAnd while 800 dollars is a lot of money, they could have tried to come to a solution here, maybe make half of it a loan so you could still buy the car and their gift still be reasonable. \n\nI suspect they have a massive car payment now and are trying to keep all other expenses to a minimum. It's unfair., NTA. Emotions happen. It sounds like you've been very supportive and helpful and it seems like they over-extended themselves for your sister. There should still be a semblance of balance., NTA, they had the money to drop on a whole brand new car while she went treatment (or at the end I guess). But not essentially what 2 payments would be to help you grab a used one? Nah nah nah they need a sit down chat and I’d say calmly and politely be like. “The math isn’t mathing folks”, NTA \n\nI'm so sorry this happened and your parents can't see what they have done. I would stop helping as much around the house and work more hours instead, to get my own car sooner. Parents can do the housework now, since your sister's treatments are over. Congratulations and best wishes to her., NTA\nWas worried for a sec that you'd blame your sister and that'd make you an ass but your parents are going into dangerous waters.\n\nYou being sad that you didn't get what you want because you thought they could do it is not the same as acting out of jealousy and to me it's really disgusting that their first reaction was to discredit you. You could also argue that you were good enough for them when your sister was sick but now that you aren't "needed" you're not existing anymore.\n\nImo it would've been more reasonable to help you with your car wish and give a family trip as a gift so everybody gets to relax and reconnect., I'm so sorry your parents did this. NTA. The entire family went through this and for them to buy her a NEW car and then not give you a penny only to 'assist' you to buy a used one! You were being completely reasonable. I would be hurt as well. It has nothing to do with jealousy of your sister, just wanting some love and acknowledgement for yourself, secondary to her., NTA. My sister had terminal brain cancer. I was always in her shadows. Everything was about her. I know how this feels., NTA Your feelings are perfectly justified. Yes, your sister went thru a traumatic experience, but that doesn´t invalidate that so have you (although different).\n\nIf there is no history of this uneven treatment prior the diagnosis, I would say your parents are soft AH. It is hard to be called out by your kids when you fail at parenting, so I understand their defensive reaction to this situation. \n\nI would try to have another conversation with them, trying to explain how this situation is impacting you and clearly the rest of your siblings. Asking for $800, considering she got a brand new car, makes total sense. What might be happening here is that they actually can´t afford that brand new car, they just bought it to make your sister happy given the situation. If this is the case, where they are investing all their money in one child, over all the other ones. Where does this stop? That is the question they need to answer.\n\nRegardless of the why, the way they reacted is not ok. They cannot treat you like an adult during the treatment (as you basically took care of your siblings and the household) and then treat you like a child that needs to shut up and follow orders when is convenient to them. I hope you can have a vulnerable discussion and mend the situation.\n\nWishing the best for you & your family., I know a young woman whose sister died of cancer in her teens. This young woman recently got engaged and then married. At every step of the process her mother made the day about the dead sister. “Oh I’ll never get to see your sister get married “ etc. Bear in mind her death was 15 plus years ago. Get some therapy mom. And learn to celebrate the daughter you have. I feel so sorry for this young woman. And of course she is an over the top dutiful daughter. It’s heartbreaking. Can someone shake this mom so she wakes up. Ugh. Parents can celebrate two children- no law against that. I would never buy one kid a new car and not the other. I’m sorry that this OP is being treated like this. Hopefully her parents will come to their senses. But meanwhile this young lady needs her own cheering squad., honestly, I'm amazed you didn't just point out it's clear which kid they love more. NTA. , NTA. Stop helping out/cleaning. Now that sis is better she can pick up the slack. Meanwhile you now have either more free time or can work more. They did suggest continuing to save after all. (If you haven't heard of it look up glass child. Sounds like some of this may be going on.). \n\n\nI've also got a suspicion that in the next few months you may be asked to contribute financially (totally unrelated to the car of course /s). If so say no you're saving. And make sure your parents aren't on your bank account. Use a different bank if possible just to be safe. Reddit has shown me some really horrible parents., No, you are NTA. Your parents are clueless and rude, IMHO. They should've done better for you for your birthday. Even a couple of hundred bucks put into a college savings fund would've been better than what you got. While it's nice they remembered a book you wanted to buy but couldn't afford and gave you that along with a $25 gift card, it's not acceptable for there to be such a disparity regarding gifts.\n\nYour sister is not dying, as far as anyone knows; her cancer treatment appears to be successful thus far, correct? She won't know for certain if she's in remission for several months (have had several cancer patients among family and friends, and that seems reasonably standard), but for now she has completed the treatment and is feeling better. That's good, but it does not mean she should have a car bought for her, especially when you've been trying to save up for a used car for such a long time. (Did they buy her a new car, or just a new used car? Either way it's flat-out wrong, but if it's a used car, then at least their protestations of not having a lot of money would make more sense.)\n\nAt any rate, you deserved better, and your hurt was understandable to anyone with some empathy to them (which it appears your parents lack).\n\nEdited to add: It is especially awful that your parents don't see all the work you've done as a reason to help you get your car. You've been helping out at home, babysitting your younger sibling, and doing all sorts of chores, which has kept you from getting more hours at work. \n\nThis seems very dumb of your parents, to be honest. The gifts are not proportional and you really do deserve better., >My parents bought her a new car to celebrate after everything she went through\n\nSo this is a major gift for two milestones, hitting 16 and completing the cancer treatment. Well worth celebrating for sure.\n\n>I also did everything I could to make things easier for my parents. I took over all chores, cooked everyday, cleaned the house, did laundry, took care of my younger sibling and babysat them more.\n\nDid you even get thanked for all this? Your 19th birthday aside, you were going above and beyond to make life easier for everyone, the least they could do was show their appreciation.\n\nI saw your comment on getting a pair of headphones for your 16th. While it's a nice and useful gift, it's not even close to equivalent.\n\n>they saw that I wasn't too thrilled and asked me what was wrong\n\n>I thought that they were finally going to help me with the remaining $800 for buying the used car seeing that they could now afford a new car for my sister\n\n>they accused me of being jealous of my sister\n\n>They said that at the end of the day I have a job and could just continue saving\n\nYou weren't the one to broach the topic. Your parents asked, and you were honest.\n\nNTA\n\nYour sister isn't an asshole, obviously.\n\nYou're not an asshole, you've been helping out a lot and essentially got about $30 of birthday present.\n\nYour parents are assholes for sure. No one is owed a car, or $800 towards a car. But they set the precedent by giving one as a gift 2 weeks prior, and ik wondering if the funds for that took you some of the funds they would've spent on you. If they don't have money for a car, did they get credit or a loan for this gift? The disparity here is awful.\n\nIf you're expected to keep saving, stop doing extra stuff for them. They can sort their own meals, pay for a babysitter, clean and do chores themselves. You went above and beyond to reduce stress in their lives where possible, and they threw it back in your face after asking you why you weren't happier. If they're upset you've stopped doing extra, tell them you need the shifts at work. As they said, you've got to save., So they’d love you more if you had cancer? Thats what it looks like. Cancer sucks but so does having shitty parents who think any of this is ok., NTA, NTA was it a brand new car or a used car she got? I ask this because if you buy a better car than she has they will next ask you to let her drive yours. Personally I’d keep that car savings to move out the moment you are able to. Also do not bank at any bank your parents bank at. Don’t tell them your income at all., NTA I’d stop helping them entirely though, NTA. When parents are faced with almost losing a child a lot of times they overcompensate for the lost time. They feel guilty for the missing part of their childhood and try to fix it but a lot of times they end up spoiling one kid and forgetting the other. Have an honest conversation about not just the gift but how you feel otherwise about the situation. If they put you off then it might be time to go NC. How were they before your sister was sick? Were things relatively equal?, NTA\n\n... make no mistake though. Being able to buy a car doesn't mean you can afford to KEEP a car. \n\nPlease look into insurance and taxes, not just fuel prices, before you buy., I don’t think you’re the asshole. You’re human and this is unfair. Your folks have created a chasm. How to right this, especially that they’re claiming to be broke? I don’t know how to mend your heart. Try not to let this destroy your family. It’s just material things., NTA. Give your parents some time, a few more months, then approach them again, tell them how it made you feel. Don’t accuse, just explain. Their reaction/explanation will tell you what you need to know. \nIn the meantime, can you get more hours/days at work? Save that extra $, make certain you have enough for a year’s insurance & a bit extra in case anything goes wrong. You’ll get there. Are you in school? Make sure you’re in a position to get a job you can eventually support yourself on. Upgrade your skills. \nKeep an eye on your younger sibs for now, make sure their needs are being met, that they’re not being pushed aside/forgotten. Hopefully you don’t have to step up again. Not your job, I know, but hopefully the parents are getting back to normal. \nIf parents keep up the attitude of your a secondary concern, quietly use them to live cheaply for a few years ( they’re kinda using you), get yourself in a good financial position to move out & be independent successfully. Do not let them know your financial position. Ever. Then go live your best life. No thanks to them., Parents make mistakes. this stings. Their decisions are not your own. Your sisters good and bad luck although impact you, are not about you. keep your head up, your sister is alive and you have a family. People are assholes sometimes, if you’re lucky life is long. move on and make sure your sister drives you around and tell her you love her everyday., NTA, coming from a parent of a kid that went through a traumatic health issue.\n\n \nMy youngest daughter spent 2 months in the hospital last year after a severe infection that lead to amputations. She is now nearly 3 and obviously requires a bit more care than my almost 5 year old daughter.\n\n \nAs brutal as it was for the whole family to go through what we went through, we make sure to try our best to not show favouritism. Our kids get the same kind of treats, equal kinds of gifts, we make an effort to have special 1 on 1 time with our oldest. Our younger daughter doesn't deserve more gifts/love/attention from us just because she was sick. Your parents are the AHs. They shouldn't change the criteria of what they can afford based on their kid, and them getting mad at you about it probably just means they're feeling guilty cause you're right., Happy Birthday!\n\nSo here is the lesson you have learned. When someone is called out for being wrong/showing favoritism/whatever, they lash out and deflect, accusing the person (who was asked the question and gave an honest answer) of being childish/selfish/wrong/rude/not a “team player”/petty/etc. It is a sucky lesson and it is even more sucky that you had to learn this from your parents. Remember this lesson well, because friends, employers and even partners may pull the same crap. \n\nRise above the accusations. In this case, when mom/dad bring it up again, and I guarantee they will, and come at you for being unreasonable or whatever, because they are feeling very defensive for being called out, you can say something like: I understand your position, you made a decision. When you asked me what was wrong after you gave me my birthday gift, and I answered you honestly, you immediately told me I was wrong to be hurt. I am actually allowed to feel hurt. That is not something you get to control. I am very glad that sister is doing well and I hope that she is able to live a long and healthy life. Why are you bringing it up again? I have said nothing. After all, at the end of the day I do have a job. \n\nBonus here is that theoretically, you now can stop doing so much around the house and for your sister. Presumably, since she is able to drive and go about her life, you can do the same thing. Of course, this will piss her and your parents off, because now she should be allowed to do whatever she wants. Butt you can now spend more time at school doing activities, studying, applying for college, and working. If there is no money for college and you can’t get enough in financial aid/scholarships, please look at going into a trade. they are hurting and I guarantee a plumber is financially better off 10 years after graduating high school than a doctor or lawyer. The plumber now has 10 years of experience, and charges up to $150 just to walk into someone’s front door. The lawyer/doctor is just starting out and has staggering loans to pay back. Those loans take up to 20 years to be done. HVAC, Electrician, Plumber, Welder, Mason (there are not enough of them), carpenter, etc. For ever and day trades people will be needed. You will always be able to find work., You are definitely making this all about you. \n\nCuz you’re 16 or I guess 19. Regardless. \n\nYoung people always make shit about themselves, actually old people are the worst at this tbh. \n\nIt’s ok to be upset given the unfair circumstances your parents have presented for you., NTA! Maybe they didn't have the same money when you had your sweet 16. It does seem unfair because of their responses but don't hold it against your sister. Parents seem to forget they have to get old and may need you one day., NTA, nobody deserves anything, it's BS. Your parents clearly showed who they love more and if this attitude won't change then just get away from them or you will feel inferior for your whole life and that will damage your well-being. You need to take care of yourself., Your parents are assholes and their actions are emotionally abusive toward you. It’s clear they don’t value you or your sacrifices. You’re 19, Get out of their clutches asap. Stop bending over backwards to make life easier for them. \n\nYou aren’t acting in a jealous manner! Your response is normal for a child confronted with blatant slighting by Assohole parents. \n\nYou’ve done nothing wrong! As someone who spent decades trying to get approval and love from a shit mother who never hid her disdain for her second child, save up and make a life for yourself away from them. I left at 18 and found peace for the first time in my life. I wish I’d gone NC then but I kept trying. By the time I stopped, I had wasted decades and only had decades of disappointment and emotional abuse to show for it. \n\nLife’s too short to waste on assholes, even if they are your parents. Make your own family with likeminded, honorable, And kind people. Build your own community. \n\nYOU DESERVE BETTER!, NTA awful that your sister has gone through that but your parents are treating you like sh*t. Keep saving so you can move out and go LC with them., NTA: Even looking past your sister's cancer treatment, the fact that they bought her a car, while telling you they had no money to help you with your purchase, is despicable. When you have multiple kids, you should be treating them equally. This is clear favoritism.\n\nThat said, I could give the parents some leeway because, given what your sister has gone through, they have gone through a lot as well. However, they should've been open with you, not lying about their finances. Honestly, I'm surprised they didn't ask you to chip in on the purchase.\n\nAt least you found this out now. Now you can show your parents the same support they have shown you. Cut off any financial help to them, and if they ask why, just tell them they have jobs, and can save up., NTA\n\nBarring any habitual dismissing of you by your parents over your lifetime, I will play devil's advocate.\n\nIs it possible that the new car could've been funded by a non-profit without you knowing? \n\nI say that as a former struggling parent. My husband and I were given a new car a few years ago, and were told by the donor that we couldn't tell anyone, even our children. \n\nWhat was the cancer? You say she's doing well, but there may be a long-term prognosis of which you're unaware.\n\nThere are many things that a parent may not be able to share with their kids., Hey, happy birthday! The world is a better place because you are in it!!\nI'm sorry your parents are not appreciating you and all of the things you've done for them, your sister and your younger siblings.\nYou did the right thing by calling them out. But it's easier for them to react in anger than to accept their poor behavior. \nNTA., You’re not an asshole. Your parents seem to be so heavily traumatised that they are blind to how neglectful they’ve been to you and potentially your younger sibling. Unless they see this is an issue and work on it possibly in therapy, I doubt they will ever stop favouring the kid who escaped death., I would continue working save my money and leave, there is a sayin "You never know the value of something until you lose it.", NTA - they are not recognizing that the situation was also traumatic for you in many ways. You picked up a lot of slack and rolled with a huge change in your family., NTA \n\nIt is completely normal to feel overlooked. Your parents are showing blatant favoritism to your sister. I caution you that if anything happens to your sister and she unfortunately were to pass away, everything will most likely be about her and her short life. And you'll be overlooked still., NTA, and your parents refusal to consider your journey through this is maddeningly miopic, NTA - I understand what your sister went though but that's just a slap across the face. If I was you I'd be very pissed off and at that point say keep the gift, NTA. " yes, I understand how traumatizing it can be to see someone you love battle day and night. add in worrying about mundane things like maintaining a household, working, making sure other family members haven't been overlooked or neglected. Good thing, as parents, that you had everything under control without any outside assistance, so sister can be happy. " and then leave. Don't let them drain you. Mentally, physically, or monetarily. I understand wanting to help with your sister, but has she said anything about the inequality? Does she know what you did to give your parents more time to coddle her? It is okay to look out for yourself, being the oldest only adds responsibility of you're royal. It is not your job to k*ll yourself because something natural unfortunately affected her, not does it give anyone the right to expect you to wear yourself out to make things easier for them. You. Are. Not. Responsible., This behavior is common and unlikely to change. \n\nI have 3 step children and the youngest was everyone's favorite. He got more gifts on birthdays and Christmas. If all the kids wanted to do something but this boy was too young/small then nobody went.\n\nThe kids had bed times according to their age except when the youngest was the only one left with an early bedtime. \n\nHis father doubled the amount of an inheritance from his grandmother. The way he spoke about his three kids, it was obvious to who he loved the most. \n\nHe wasn't sick or disabled. He was just born last. \n\nThese kids are all grown now and the oldest two hate him because he thinks he's special., NTA, forget the car. Use the money to move out. No more free maid, nanny, chef and whatever else they used you for., NTA it’s not jealousy, it’s an observation. i understand that she went through an unfortunately difficult time, but since your family claims to have financial struggles, what is a 16-year-old cancer patient going to do with a whole car that will actually be productive and resourceful for the family other than drain money money from their accounts in order to pay for insurance. i heavily doubt that after all she’s gone through in the past year that she’s planning to be employed, making proper use of the car., I’m sorry that you have parents who don’t value you and don’t respect you. From everything you said, it appears that your parents have already chosen the child they will invest in emotionally and financially, favoritism is clear no matter the reason. Knowing this, it’s up to you to minimize your losses, so simply distance yourself from everything related to them and this includes your sister (don’t contribute any more to any domestic activity and don’t take care of your younger brothers, if they have money to buy a new car for your sister they should have to hire a cleaner/nanny) as she is also part of the problem as she did not express any discomfort in accepting a car whilst she saw you earning almost nothing, if you continue to support your family you will always be frustrated as your parents they will never recognize that you were neglected, that you were responsible for taking care of the house and your other siblings. So, just refuse to follow this pattern of wanting approval from your parents, because that won’t happen and they have already made it clear that they see you as selfish for asking for a crumb of consideration and affection., No 16-year-old should be driving a brand new car. My daughter was hit from behind driving home from high school. The car behind her was hit by a teen going way too fast and not realizing all the other cars were stopped. My daughter’s used car had damage, but the brand new car behind her was totaled. The teen girl driver of that car did nothing wrong, but the brand new car was still totaled. Spend some time in a high school parking lot and tell me any teen needs to be driving a brand new car.\n\nYou are NTA, OP, but your parents absolutely are. I don’t care what they have been through, it doesn’t abdicate them of their responsibility to all of their children. Getting her a brand new car was stupid as well as asshole behavior. Terrible financial decision. They should have gotten you both used cars and let you use your saved money for something else, like furthering your education. I bet they never even told you they were sorry or thanked you for all you did to help the family.\n\nBad news, your parents suck. Good news, you can cut them off or go extremely low contact because I bet you can live without that book and $25 gift card. If you haven’t already, make a plan to get out of their house asap. Once you remove your presence they may finally realize all you contributed to keep the family running. Don’t count on it though. Parents like that are not usually the kind of people capable of reflection and self improvement. Get away and get on with your life. Best revenge is a life well lived and all that. Good luck!, NTA. \n\nWhen I was 23 my mom bought Christmas gifts for my brother, SIL, niece, nephew and even for their family dog—she got the dog 3 gifts. \n\nYou wanna know what she got for me? Nothing. \n\nI didn’t say anything because of how mad/hurt I was. Mommy dearest didn’t even realize she forgot about me until a week later when she said something snarky in front of her sister to me and I brought it up. \n\nOddly enough my mom didn’t even apologize. She was just pissed that I brought it up to her in front of her sister., No you not. I’m so sorry your parents aren’t thinking correctly. They were so involved in your sisters health and are do thankful that she is doing well they just aren’t thinking. Did your sister hear them talk to you like that? If you stop helping as much do you think they will notice? If you have grandparents maybe talk to them. Tell them what happened and tell them you’re not jealous like your parents seem to think you just wanted some help getting a vehicle too., Nta your parents may not have needed to buy you a new car but it's the lack of thought that they put into your gift\n\n\nA gift card to a take out place and a book isn't a well thought out gift. If they didn't know what you wanted they could have asked. If they didn't have the money to buy you a massive gift it would have been understandable but they bought your sister a new car.\n\nI understand wanting to gift your sister something significant after what she went through and the stress they must have felt and are only just recovering from but that doesn't mean that you suddenly lose relevance, telling you that your trying to make it all about you on YOUR BIRTHDAY is really rude and just shows this., A college friend's 10-year-old developed cancer. The brother was two years older. Yes, the focus was on the kiddo, but big brother was absolutely not abandoned. My friend and her husband made sure to get big brother involved with programs for siblings of kids with cancer as well as all his other activities. And she's always been complimentary of her son and who he is as a person. \n\nOP's parents are awful. OP is NTA. But their parents?? Epitome of AH., Nta shame on your parents., nta. Just remember this when they come asking you for things., NTA. So you have to be very ill to get their attention., NTA, NTA\n\n\nBut I am sorry that your parents are utter AHs.\n\n\nI hope they appreciated all the work you put into running the home. But I sense that they did not.\n\n\nSo sorry OP, NTA. I’d be upset too. I get that beating cancer is a huge milestone and that definitely deserves to be celebrated but you deserve good things too. It sounds like you helped immensely during your sisters treatment and you honestly deserve something for all of your hard work. They really should have offered to help you with the rest of what you need for your car. I’m so sorry., NTA, though I feel this subreddit is being a little tough on your parents. It is an awful thing to go through, for your sister who was sick, for you and for your parents. I just feel maybe you’re parents were desperate to make your sister happy, which is understandable after what she went through. Of course, you went through a lot too, as I can’t imagine what having your sister be sick with cancer feel like. I do understand that you feel neglected and it’s a normal feeling to have, especially when your sister got a much better gift than you. But, if I’m honest, the biggest gift is that she’s alive and that all of you are healthy and well. Don’t worry, you’re still very young and have your whole life ahead of you. Hopefully, you’ll get the car that you want, a job that you like, and a happy life going forward. Right now, the important thing is that your sister is okay. I know it’s tough feeling neglected, as that has happened to me all of my life, but if there is one thing I’ve learned is this: our parents don’t make the right decisions all the time. But remember they are human too, and I feel wrong to call your parents “bad people” as people on this sub are doing based on one moment that is the product of a very difficult situation. If your parents have always showed favoritism to your sister prior to this, then that’s a different story, but not uncommon. I say you try to not be resentful and forgive them for it. Not for them, but for yourself. That way you can lead a happy, free life. \n\nI am very happy that your sister is doing well and I wish her a healthy, long life. I am also happy you are doing better, and I recommend going to a psychologist so that you can process this trauma and keep going on with your life. I pray for your family's well being, and if you ever need anything, rememeber there is a whole community online that will always be here to help you. \n\nTake care!, Nannies, babysitters, household managers, etc (basically ALL the positions you’ve been for the family) make tons of money. We’re talking over $100k a year if it’s for a wealthy/high profile family and through an agency. My petty self wants to suggest you look up numbers and write them an invoice to show that you could have a new car at this point too. But maybe don’t do that because that would probably just escalate things too far… though if you enjoy that kind of work, definitely look into open positions! There are tons! And many even offer a live in type of thing or housing stipend if you move. I did it for a while and it’s easy enough if you like that kind of thing. You’ll have 2 new cars in no time! Haha, I would get a second job and stop helping them out. Just be out of the house as much as possible, which is gonna be hard without a car, but you’ll be able to afford that car on your own and then possibly move out sooner than later.\n\nAlso, buying a brand new car for a 16-year-old is stupid. \n\nNTA, NTA even when she has cancer monetary presents should be held equal.... shevprobably recieved most of the emotional attention she doesnt need unearned and unwaranted gifts if they then cheap out on you.\n\nLike as a parent they can celebrate by doing stuff she prolly was too weak for during treatment going to an amusementpark ect.... a new car is just wtf, I have two biokids and two stepkids.\n\nAs much as I try to make things as fair as I can for them, it’s not always possible.\n\nBut your situation is completely FFed up! Infuriating OP. \n\nI would sit them down and make my feelings about it known for the next couple of weeks. Is it possible to mention this to a family friend? A trusted family member?, NTA. Your parents are, though. New car wont fix cancer, so there desire to help is wildly out of touch., ...] | 2495 | 21884 | 0.96 | /r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1e5gucu/aita_for_how_i_reacted_when_my_parents_surprised/ | 2024-07-17 07:22:20 | NaT | 2 | 0 | 135 | 0 | 0 | 1 | 1 |
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| 990 | AITA for encouraging my daughter not to watch her cousin or clean up his mess? | Whenever my sister Lynn goes to any family event, she never watches her own kids and expects everyone else to, including my own children, who have complained about it. She will leave the room with her toddler, that acts like a wild animal. \n\nI told my children (10 and 13) not to be duped into watching that brat. My 13-year-old daughter left the room when my sister left her alone with her kid to gossip with my mom. My daughter got up and left. \n\nLynn’s toddlers pulled all the food off by the tablecloth and spilled red pasta sauce all over my mom’s carpet. The kid was screaming, and Lynn started to yell at my daughter when I told Lynn it was her responsibility to watch her own fucking kids. \n\nLynn said she thought my daughter was watching the “baby.” I asked her, “Did you ask my daughter to?” Lynn said she thought my daughter was smart enough to watch kids if they were alone with them. My daughter said maybe Lynn should be smarter next time she thinks of having kids that she can’t control or watch. \n\nYes, this was rude, and I laughed. My mom told my daughter to help pick up the mess because she helped cause it. My daughter refused, saying it was Lynn’s fault because she let her kids run around like animals. \n\nMy mom said we could all leave because we had no respect for her or her house. My daughter said she wouldn’t be back until her grandmother and aunt respected her. I took my kids home. \n\nMy mom thinks I should punish or talk to my daughter and make her apologize, but I won’t. I don’t think my daughter did anything wrong, and it’s Lynn’s fault for not watching her own brats. | Not the A-hole | [NTA\n\n"My mom told my daughter to help pick up the mess because she helped cause it"\n\nHow did she help cause it? By not psychic-ly picking up on her aunt's responsibility hand-off? When my kids were that age I NEVER left a room without being clear who I was asking to watch the kid and never took advantage of that. If you have a kid, they are YOUR responsibility. End of story., NTA. Lynn should hire a babysitter if she can't keep track of her kids. Good on you for supporting your kids in this situation, I can see how in many families the responsibility could be rolled onto the shoulders of the older kids and force them to babysit just by default - which honestly isn't right. Parents need to be responsible for their own kids., NTA\n\n\nYour sister is assuming people just look after their kids and she shouldn't. If she had asked? Other story (but even yhen your daughter should always be allowed to say no and sister has to accept that)\n\n\nGood for you for standing up for your daughter here , NTA.\n\n>Lynn started to yell at my daughter when I told Lynn it was her responsibility to watch her own fucking kids. \n\nDefinitely.\n\n>My daughter refused, saying it was Lynn’s fault because she let her kids run around like animals. \n\nRight again., NTA Next time you go over for something and don't bring your daughter tell the truth when asked where she is. "Daughter is still waiting for an apology from two people who tried to make her responsible for the actions of someone else's kid because the mother was too irresponsible to watch him herself. She said she won't be back until she gets the apology and I agree with her. My 10 year old also won't be responsible for someone else's kid so they know now.", As the older cousin who was stuck watching everyone else’s kids at every single family gathering: THANK YOU! NTA! Your sister is responsible for her own terror. End of story., Honestly, at the age your kids are I would say entirely NTA. Not only for how you are supporting them to express their feelings and needs but also not bend to the pressure. Don't accept responsibility for things that are out of your control and you haven't agreed to be your responsibility and teach your children the same (you seem to be doing excellent job on that). The retort your daughter gave was indeed rude - it would have been better to not say things about others reproductive choices, because it is quite obvious she is picking up these opinions and judgments from her parents. But either way, the parent is the responsible person for whatever the child did - even if there was another minor babysitting., I don’t think it’s rude for your daughter to have said that AT ALL. If you’re a parent you are required to have 100% responsibility for your children no matter who is present. If you choose to ask someone else you are doing so as if it is a favor not a requirement for them to do it because they are capable. Her entitlement that other people can watch her kids because they are there is ridiculous. Your daughter is right. If you’re not mature enough to watch your kids on your own then don’t have more. Complete NTA and do not tell your daughter to apologize. Make your sister apologize for making your kids feel they need to watch hers., Just to clarify - your daughter wasn't even in the room when it happened, right? She left. She wasn't present, she doesn't have an inherent duty of care, and care wasn't specifically transferred to her.\n\nAs I see it, she has the same degree of responsibility for the situation as I, someone who's never met any of y'all, do.\n\nNTA, my sister and her husband picked up a habit that pilots use. when the pilot is handing over control of the plane they say "your plane" and the copilot has to say "my plane" out loud before the pilot can go take a shit or whatever and there's never an "I thought *you* were flying this thing!" moment. This works very well for parents, "your baby" "my baby" and then it's clear who is responsible. and if you did not volunteer for that you can take the opportunity to say "not my baby", NTA so much. Your daughter is perfectly right and her grandmother and Aunt try to push her to be a "good wife" which is scary af.\n\n\nYour daughter is amazing, send her greetings. And I would definitely insist that ain't and grandmother apologize if they want to see anyone of you again...\n\n\nGood luck!, Is there a possibility of a productive talk with your mom about Lynn's dumping her kid on yours? I assume not, since, there's a certain kind of parent who just blames everyone equally regardless of what actually happened. That always has the impact of rewarding the most selfish and shameless kid. And it sounds like that's what's happened? Your sister is completely in the wrong for not parenting her child, you're completely in the right for protecting your child, but your mother is also completely in the wrong for continuing not to parent her own child--your sister. Your sister should have cleaned up the mess *her* child made--not your child. Your daughter is owed an apology, but I think the chances of her getting one from either your mom or sister are pretty low. \n\nIf you refuse to go to your mom's for a while, will she have to deal with Lynn and the terror on her own? That might get her to see the dynamic. \n\nNTA, NTA double daughter had a right to be “rude” because your sister thought she had a right to your daughters labour without even asking.\n\nYour mom is also part of the problem, why the heck would she ask your daughter to clean up someone else’s mess!?, NTA and thank you for breaking that tradition of adults expecting free child care from older children in the family. You did right by your kids and actually acted like a decent parent. Your sister, however needs to step up and take care of her own child and not just expect other CHILDREN to pick up her slack., NTA.\n\nWhere is Lynn’s accountability? Just the 13 year old??????, Funny I think your Mom needs to take her own advice and punish/talk to HER daughter about her irresponsibility, NTA. Your sister is an idiot not realising she can’t just foist her kid off on others, especially other children, and think she can get a free pass. And your mother enabling her is worse; clear who the golden child of the family was.\n\nYour daughter gave a great snap back at both of them and you’re right that your daughter is not a free babysitter., I was raised to be a sweet, quiet doormat. It took me decades, a 20 year abusive relationship, and a lot of work to overcome it.\n\nThank you for raising your daughter to stick up for herself. \n\nNTA., NTA\n\nprotect your babies mama, you're doing good. She absolutely needs to learn to control her own children and not expect everyone around her to just instantly watch them. Your mom shouldn't be defending her or blaming your daughter for your sister's obvious irresponsibility. It would have taken a single statement to ask, get told no, and just pick up her kid., I wanna know where the toddler's father was in all of this. Like, why was Lynn's *only* option to assume that her 13 year old niece would keep an eye on the kid? Growing up I was always the one that watched my younger cousins at events but that's because I chose to, I love kids and liked playing with them. But my aunts and uncles would always tell me when they were leaving the room especially if they were the last adult in the room and make sure I'd be ok for the few minutes it took for them to do whatever. \n\nNTA your mother and sister owe your daughter an apology. And you probably owe your kids an ice cream or something for standing up for themselves. Keep being an awesome parent with strong independent kids! Your relatives can go kick rocks., Yah no. Girls should not be conditioned to be caregivers., I always got stuck at the kids table. That stopped when I started getting them all ice cream. Skip the dinner, just ice cream here., I hope your sister is saving money in a bail fund. She’s going to need it. NTA. Loved the way you backed up your kid., Your daughter's a boss, good on her! \n\nAnd your sister's a negligent irresponsible person who ought to parent her kid better. \n\nSounds like a great excuse to not go to any further "family events" since mom and sister are not going to apologize. Just leave them to suffer in their hell of irresponsible parenting. \n\nNTA., NTA. Nothing your daughter said was wrong. \n\nYou’re sister *shouldn’t* have kids if she has no urgency to care for them. Who walks out of a room that their toddler is in and expects another child to watch said toddler?\n\nI know she’s 13 but like??? So much could’ve happened? What if something fell on the baby’s head? That would be entirely Lynn’s fault as she is an adult and HER child is HER responsibility, and not a 13 yr olds. \n\nShe needs to grow up, fast. You can’t be a mom and be that irresponsible., NTA. This is actually a perfect response to anyone being voluntold to watch their kids. Glad you're teaching them the beauty of saying no., NTA. This is exactly how I am raising my 13 year old daughter. Don’t take shit from entitled people, even if they’re family., NTA. Your kids deserve to have fun at family events, not to get stuck with someone else’s kids, especially when not even asked. This is how kids wind up not wanting to be with family. \n\nLet’s face it - the family is mad at you and your daughter because they don’t want to watch that kid either, and they have been happy to dump that responsibility on the youngest members of the family. And now they are mad because the free ride is over. \n\nStick to your guns. Speaking as a kid whose parent would never stand up to other family members for him, you don’t know how much this will mean to your kids., NTA and I hope to one day have a kid like yours*. Tell her the internet thinks she's awesome for standing up to family members like that\n\nEdit: wrong name, your sister is neglecting her toddler. i doubt she treats him properly if hes that bad at such a young age. its not his fault, only hers., NTA. Plz pat your daughter on the back. She was totally right to tell Lynn to be smarter. Sucks when a seventh grader is smarter than you, doesn’t it Lynn?, I have a sister with 3 children. Those kids weren't allowed to move or talk loudly at home, very strict parenting. They turned into demons the moment they were outside their home. Outside their home, my sister just assumed my mom and other female relatives were her servants and babysitters. Her kids were never her problem as soon as other adults were present. I understand why my nephews and nieces were little terrors. They had it bad at home. Absolutely strict parenting at home and 100% permissive outside. Those poor kids. \n\n\nI would watch how your sister treats her child at home. If she is that disinterested in her kid in public, she might be not the best mom in private. There might be a very unhealthy dynamic at play. I caught my sister once threatening her toddler with a knife. He was playfully throwing toys in the air in his room, normal play, but it was too much for mommy. The same mommy that let her boy run rampant and hit furniture with a broomstick in my home. I gave her hell for pulling a knife on a 3 year old child. Now that he is an adult and moved out, I don't talk to my sister anymore. \n\n\nA patient relative can make a difference. That doesn't mean that you need to babysit. Just show the kid that he isn't alone. This gets more important as he gets older. Be the adult that listens to him.\n\n\nNTA., Most excellent! NTA, At this rate it wouldn't surprise me if she starts subjecting others to watch her kids at gatherings and ppl start dropping like flies in terms of attendance. Start planning your own gatherings and invite only ppl you'd want there., NTA - your sister owes everyone an apology and some carpet cleaning. Stick to your guns in this one, Your daughter showed a maturity level your sister and mother lack. Good for her for speaking up! And good on you for having her back, Mom!!!, Your daughter is not responsible for the actions of toddler she didn’t get asked to watch lol lol, NTA, and your daughter is already a certified badass., NTA Excellent job teaching your kids to set and enforce boundaries., Even with an adult, you don't just leave them alone with a kid and think they know to watch it. What if they're not paying attention? Sheesh. I can be oblivious, and I know I'm not the only one. Besides, they are HER kids. NTA. And your kids shouldn't be responsible for other kids unless they're being paid to be., NTA. If she had had the courtesy to ASK your daughter to watch the kid (and even then she's under no obligation to say yes) then your sister and mother might have something of a point. As it is, keep backing your kids 100%, You are amazing! \n\n\nFirst for teaching your kids not to be doormats and have self-esteem. Second for standing up for your daughter when she stood up for herself.\n\n\nNTA, however, your sister and mom are., And Grandma just can't understand why her grandchildren never visit. NTA, NTA- good on you for supporting your daughters and showing them that women aren’t automatically child minders or responsible for other people being stupid. \n\nLynn is selfish and irresponsible and she has to learn that she can’t just walk away from her baby and expect everyone else to pick up the slack., I think I know where your sister learned how to be a bad mother lol, Was her retort disrespectful? Yes. Was it needed for the situation? Yes. This a pick your battles/hill to die on scenario\n\nShe, nor you NTA. This is a life lesson for her to stand up for herself. Your mother and sister absolutely do not respect her. You sister was a derelict mother and this was the result. \n\nShe needs to be accountable for her child. Her lazy entitled rear needs a wake up call. \n\nKeep backing your daughter. This is a pivotal lesson for your daughter (advocate for yourself); you sister (parent your child)\nAnd mother (stop enabling your sister)., Jumping in to get buried in downvotes because ESH except your daughter. \n\n\nYou need to take the credit for your daughter's behavior. *You told your kids not to watch Lynn's kid.* The reason you shouldn't make your daughter apologize is because she was *following your guidance* and had your mom or Lynn known that, they wouldn't be fixated on having your daughter apologize. There's absolutely no reason why you should let your daughter remain under that bus. , You already taught her a valuable lesson. Some people will rely on social pressure to take advantage of other people—and those people are assholes who should get called out on it., NTA\n\nWas your daughter rude? Most definitely. Was she also giving them a taste of their own medicine? You bet ya!\n\nI like your daughter, she has the brains to go a long way. Just teach her to turn that brain into backhanded compliments instead of brutal honesty and she will be juuuuuuuuust fine. ;), NTA\n\nIt was not your daughter's job to watch the baby and this was made clear to your sister. \n\nVisit your mother separately if your sister doesn't respect this., [deleted], NTA... sounds like your sister is the type that 'nothing is ever her fault'. She went straight to defensiveness and blaming others. I agree with your daughter, your sister shouldnt have had kids she cant take responsibility for, Something about finding out after fornicating around or something. NTA. Please high-five your daughter for me! Several times, if possible!, NTA. Good manners aren't owed to people who are disrespectful., 100% NTA!!! If your sister wants her kids watched, she needs to ask for help, set expectations for time and pay the sitter. Again, only if the presumptive babysitter WANTS to. I have an SIL who did this with her kid and it always ended up in my nieces being in tears with the kid's behavior. She never asked or paid. Now the whole family avoids them and they don't know why. Kudos to you for standing up for your kids! Great mom!, Absolutely no punishment for your daughter. She did exactly right., NTA. You are raising your kids the right way! Kudos to your daughter!, NTA. For future reference, *I* would leave the room as soon as the wild animal enters it., NTA. Well done that daughter! Tell it like it is. Your mum thinking that your daughter is being disrespectful? Perhaps but I think she was justified in saying what she did. Your daughter did not help cause the mess. That was entirely on Lynn and her unrealistic expectations which were not even voiced for goodness sake. "Oh a 13 year old girl will know she's expected to watch the toddler" is just plain selfishness/stupidity on your sister's part. Out of interest, would she have had the same expectation if your daughter was a boy?, Why is it your kids' responsibility to babysit or parent someone else's kids? I get helping clean up, but NOT because 'she helped cause it'. But because it would have been the right thing to do. Your family doesn't respect others. They want everyone to cover everyone else. And that's not right. I get your sister is probably tired of her kid. But it's no one elses job to be a free babysitter. She ASSUMED a 13 year old was responsible to watch a baby? Is she ignorant? Because that's super irresponsible. \n\nNTA. I'd ask your mom if she thinks a 13 year old with no babysitter training or desire is responsible enough to babysit a child of sisters.... caliber., NTA in any way, shape, or form. Your mom and sister sound entitled and disrespectful. Your children (or anyone else for that matter) are not obligated to watch anyone children’s without explicitly being asked and them agreeing to it. I’m sorry you and your kids are dealing with this. \n\nI think a come to Jesus conversation is necessary with your mom and your sister. Also, please tell your daughter we’re all so proud of her for standing up for herself!, You and your daughter are sheroes! I love how you stood up for your child and put your sister I. Her place for trying to parentify your children., NTA\n\nThe most dangerous thing a parent can do is assume someone else is watching their child. \nThis time a huge mess was made. What if he had pulled a pot of boiling water onto himself? \nSince your children did not agree to watch the toddler, they are not responsible for his behavior., [removed], NTA. Your daughter is a legend. Frankly, a rude comment from a 13 year old is a pretty lax consequence for negligent parenting. One of these days, Lynn is going to leave her kid with someone who REALLY isn't smart enough to watch them, and that kid's going to get badly, badly hurt., NTA \n\nAnd by the way you speak about her, I can guarantee she's also one of those "don't discipline or raise your voice at my children" moms. She can watch her own children!, NTA - Lynn should ask the individual in the room if they are willing to watch the toddler. It isn't fair to place the responsibility onto other children to watch their cousins without asking. It isn't your daughter's responsibility to watch over a cousin if she wasn't aware that it was her job. While most adults will watch over kids in a family setting, expecting a child to know that or put up with it is another story. \n\nYou shouldn't be expected to punish your daughter or force her to clean up a mess that the toddler and her mother caused. Your family should have a chat about family expectations around caring for young children in a group setting so everyone is on board. The toddler could have hurt themself with the hot food and no one was watching., NTA\n\n\nYou and your daughter did exactly the right thing here., NTA and please keep sticking up for yourself and your kids. I wasn’t so lucky and it was always that bs about “they’re your family”. Now that I’m a full grown adult I hardly interact with those who are nothing but drama on either side of the family., NTA but I feel like the reason is no adult should expect a child to watch another child. \n\nThe “animal” comments while rude are not inaccurate, but I still think the stronger argument is children shouldn’t be expected to be babysitters., NTA. I’m serious applauding you for instilling in your kids to have boundaries and speaking up for themselves at that age. My cousin and I were like them. Older than all the younger kids and girls so it was assumed we would watch them. We didn’t always mind but the assumption chapped our asses., I'm going with ESH because your family sounds *exhausting*. I don't need to outline why the aunt is an AH, it's obvious to you and everyone else here. But your post reads as scathing and judgemental and it's clear you've taught your daughter to be the exact same way. Here's your post again, but I've edited out the snideness:\n\n> Whenever my sister Lynn goes to any family event, she never watches her own kids and expects everyone else to, including my own children, who have complained about it. She will leave the room with her toddler, ~~that acts like a wild animal~~ who is too hyperactive to be left alone.\n\n>I told my children (10 and 13) not ~~to be duped into watching that brat~~ to assume responsibility for watching their cousin. My 13-year-old daughter left the room when my sister left her alone with her kid to ~~gossip~~ chat with my mom. My daughter got up and left.\n\n>Lynn’s toddlers pulled all the food off by the tablecloth and spilled red pasta sauce all over my mom’s carpet. The kid was screaming, and Lynn started to yell at my daughter when I told Lynn it was her responsibility to watch her own ~~fucking~~ kids.\n\n>Lynn said she thought my daughter was watching the “baby.” I asked her, “Did you ask my daughter to?” Lynn said she thought my daughter was smart enough to watch kids if they were alone with them. My daughter said maybe Lynn should be smarter next time she thinks of having kids that she can’t control or watch.\n\n>Yes, this was rude, and I laughed. My mom told my daughter to help pick up the mess because she helped cause it. My daughter refused, saying it was Lynn’s fault because she let her kids run around like animals.\n\n>My mom said we could all leave because we had no respect for her or her house. My daughter said she wouldn’t be back until her grandmother and aunt respected her. I took my kids home.\n\n>My mom thinks I should punish or talk to my daughter and make her apologize, but I won’t. I don’t think my daughter did anything wrong, and it’s Lynn’s fault for not watching her own ~~brats~~ children.\n\nIt's sad because the aunt is so clearly out-of-line here this should be open and shut. But you're shooting yourself in the foot by being scathing in return., ESH. No one seems to be very kind and/or considerate of others- the mom for assuming others will watch her toddler AND for neglecting said toddler in a room without real supervision; OP for being rather uncaring in his comments about a toddler, AND for teaching his daughter that it's okay to think and say such unkind things to others; and the grandmother for blaming a thirteen year old for not doing a job that wasn't hers. The only innocent people I can find are the toddler, who can rarely help their behavior, and the daughter, as I can only assume that she was taught by OP to be verbally harsh towards others., NTA good on your daughter and you., NTA. And good on your daughter for sticking up for herself., NTA at all. Good on both of you for standing up for yourselves! UPDATEME, NTA \nLynn and your mom are though.., NTA - and good for you for having your kid's back., NTA, Lynn's kids is not yours nor your's daughter's problem and grandmother wants to pull that "My house, my rules" & favorite-play stupidity (it's clear you & by extension your kids are not your mom's favorite nor does she respect any of you) - grandma should enjoy none of you coming to visit nor help, plus enjoy cleaning up after the toddlers messes things up., NTA. Your sister needed someone to say that to her. It just had to be your daughter. That was the wakeup call she needed to get her child to behave. It needed to be nipped in the bud before he starts daycare or school. I have a niece like that. She doesn't watch her three year old whenever she visits. I told her to keep an eye before he breaks something. Next thing you know he breaks a sentimental item that I had from my sister. Needless to say whenever they visit now, we stay on the front porch., NTA, your daughter's responses were spot on., NTA. Lynn is the obvious golden child and your mom is an enabler. Lynn is lucky CPS hasn’t been called on her for her negligent parenting. Your daughter has done nothing wrong and isn’t responsible for her cousin, period. Lynn is a lazy, negligent parent and is used to outsourcing her responsibilities to the point she expects everyone around her to reflexively cater to her entitlement., I have been in your shoes, and hell I still am sometimes. You know what I do, I ignore things and leave, exactly what your kid did. Absolutely NTA. People should take care of their own kids., NTA and neither is your daughter. I would have had the same reaction. And good on you for allowing your daughter to make her own decisions about things and supporting those decisions, NTA, nor is your daughter for standing up for herself. Your mother enabled your sister to make the assumption the older children would watch the younger one. Personally, this is the hill to die on and your 13 year old daughter set a boundary so I presume your mom now only has 1 grandchild., NTA\n\nYour daughter has such good boundaries, she really stood her ground! She was little rude but so was her aunt and she is 13 so I kind of expected the sass. It does help you were being a supportive parent as well. Your mom sounds like she is enabling this behavior of your sister just leaving her child to be watched by other children. I am wondering if your mother always enables your sister like this? What does your father think of all this? \n\nDoes your child do babysitting or watch other family members kids? I am trying to figure out why she would just leave her kid alone like that?, NTA. You are teaching your daughter to have boundaries and a nice shiny backbone, so very well don’t to both you and her., Your mom and sister suck ass, NTA personally, I would have stepped in to handle the conflict so that a 13 year old wasn’t having to trade words/argue with her grandmother and aunt, but it seems like your daughter had a lot of confidence and didn’t need help (which I guess you knew). I think you advised her well to stop watching them. My mom did as well but was kind of mean about it and used a tone that I was demeaning myself like I was a servant and should stop chasing after someone else’s kids which made me feel like I’d done something wrong. It seems like you mostly just made sure your kids knew they didn’t have to do it and that you’d be on their side if they didn’t and people got upset. Your mom and sister will just need to start focusing on the true problem - your sister’s parenting., NTA. I don’t think you’re in the wrong for reminding your sister that she can’t pawn off child supervision to other people without asking. I also don’t think you’re wrong for sticking up for your daughter.\n\nI was the cousin who was always watching my younger cousins and my older cousins babies/toddlers. I didn’t mind helping when asked, but I wish people would have asked me instead of assuming I would be in charge of a bunch of children and babies. I wanted to play and have fun too! \n\nIt was really frustrating to get in trouble for “not watching” the kids when their parents weren’t watching them either. And there isn’t such a huge age gap between me and my younger cousins, so oftentimes they wouldn’t even listen to me. \n\nThere’s also an element of just “assuming” a girl will handle the younger children. I 100% guarantee that my brother and male cousins WERE NOT automatically given babysitting/child watching duties. In fact, I don’t think my brother has ever been ASKED to babysit our nephews or our cousins kids.\n\nYour daughter wasn’t specifically asked to do a chore, especially a hands-on tasks of supervising a toddler. So her expectation is that she would be able to hang out at her grandma’s house and have fun. As the adult, your sister should have asked other adults (like maybe the baby’s father????) to keep an eye on the toddler if she has her hands full with something else. , NTA - Your daughter had the right idea, Lynn has to be responsible for her own kids., NTA. And thank you for standing up for your daughter. \n\nI have a cousin who is mentally challenged. From the age of 12-17 I was 100% in charge of her during family events. My aunt would show up and tell me to watch her and then disappear. My parents would give me an “I’m sorry” look and that was it because they never wanted to cause problems. I sat at the “kids table” while my younger brothers moved up to sit with the adults because it was my job to make sure cousin didn’t make a mess. The very last time I spent at a family gathering was a funeral. We were in the cemetery and cousin pooped her pants. My aunt handed me an extra set of clothes but when I asked her how I was supposed to clean her daughter up being out in a secluded cemetery without running water, aunt screamed at me to figure it out. I walked back to cousin and tried to clean her up the best I could with her dirty clothes. I was crying the whole time and gagging. After that I started refusing to attend family events., Update us please 🙏, I used to get dumped on at family gatherings, because I was the youngest mom. When the kids were getting rowdy my mom would always call me out, “They’re YOUR kids!” Umm actually, there are six kids here and only two of them are mine, the youngest two. So I’d go get my two and make them sit down and be quiet, and nothing would be said when the other kids continued to run around and yell. Nobody wanted to fuss at any of the actual adults, but scolding the teen mom was perfectly ok. I also got chewed out for not wiping off the whole table when one of my kids finished eating. I only wiped where he was sitting, and left the mess from the other kids for their moms to clean up. It did not go over well., You say rude\n\nI say your daughter has a right to stand up for herself. To anyone. Smart mouthed teenage. Sheesh. :) \n\nTell your mom just to invite lynn and her kids and no one else for a day. She will see who actually doesnt respect her.. \n\nIn my view.. if its not preplanned AND PAID its not a babysitting gig. Ive paid nieces, nephews, grandparents, friends, to watch my not bratty kids.. \n\nMaybe lynn should give the kids to their fathers. (Guessing), Get your daughter some ice cream NTA, Sounds like Lynn is the golden child in the family. If you birthed it, you need to be responsible for raising it. And yes, I called a child 'it'. Grandma also thought the 13 yr old was a free babysitter too. I would go LC w/ Grandma until she understands that she is damaging her relationship w/ both your kids. While I would agree the 13 yr olds comments were rude, Lynn asked for it. Teach the 13 yr old to stand up for herself w/o being rude. It can be done, it takes a bit more work but any young lady smart enough to know that toddler is not her responsibility is smart enough to figure that part out., NTA and good for you and your daughter. \n\nI might have given your sister a heads up though, as whilst she thought she had it covered the kid could have gotten hurt and it's not the kids fault., NTA good on you for standing up for your daughter., NTA, you're keeping your kids from being parentified to their own cousins. You're helping your kids set boundaries while they are still growing and learning to set their own. While there was some rudeness involved, IMO that's still some pretty good parenting, and standing up to older family and defend your kids is not an easy thing to do., ...] | 1362 | 21863 | 0.98 | /r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1f4v9rw/aita_for_encouraging_my_daughter_not_to_watch_her/ | 2024-08-30 08:28:58 | NaT | 2 | 0 | 212 | 0 | 8 | 0 | 2 |
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| 991 | AITA for refusing to move out even though my roommate is 7 months pregnant? | Hi guys, last week my roommate Becca found out she is not only pregnant but seven months along. \n\nShe texted me that we had to talk today and I had assumed she would be moving out soon for more space when the baby comes. Instead she told me I have to move out to make space for the nursery and her baby daddy to move in. \n\nI’m on a terrible salary and cannot afford anywhere else to live, plus like she wants me to move out right now so she can prepare for the baby. Even if I wanted to move out now, the apartment rentals in my area are either too expensive or well below living standards so I don’t want to move. \n\nShe went absolutely crazy the moment I told her I wouldn’t move out, because I’m ruining her motherhood experience by not letting her family live together. I pay rent here and my names on the lease until at least the end of the year. I’m not gonna pull out of the lease and I told her that if she wants her little family together that she should move and I’ll find someone to half the cheap rent with. \n\nThat made her start crying and saying how I just want to ruin her life to the point her baby daddy had to console her and tell me to get out of their way already. I’ve not heard her stop crying since but I think I’m totally valid that I don’t want to leave. \n\nAita for not wanting to move out? | Not the A-hole | [NTA Your name is on the lease and you both live there The audacity to tell you to move out is outrageous😭, NTA. This is a "her" problem, not a "you" problem. She wants the cheap rent for her and her BD. Your name is on the lease, you pay rent, she can't kick you out. However, be prepared for a very uncomfortable living situation from now on. \n\nWhere does the BD live now? If she wants to move him in, he has a place already. Can she not move in with him?, NTA\n\nHer pregnancy, her relationship, her problem. The baby is not your responsibility, her life is not your responsibility, you didn't get her pregnant and you don't owe her anything. Why can't she move in with her baby daddy?, Holy shit, you can’t still be living with Pasta Water Becca 😭😭 that image HAUNTS me, Nts\n\nThis is crazy level entitlement with a side-order of toxic baby daddy. Do whatever you need to protect yourself. Ie if legal to record her and him with you as single party consent(this means you have to be part of recording). Get a camera for your room aimed at door. If allowed by lease/landlord get lock for bedroom. Have action plan in place in case they try to lock you out or move you out. If their behavior escalates , take all evidence to police., NTA Your roommate is living in a fantasy. In her mind, you'd move out and she'll live happily ever after with her new little family. And your refusal to move out burst her bubble. If she's upset, oh well, the world doesn't revolve around her or her pregnancy. She'll just have to make do until the lease is up or find some place else to live., >I pay rent here and my names on the lease until at least the end of the year. \n\nThat's the whole ball game.\n\nYou didn't decide to get pregnant, she did.\n\nNTA., 1. Seven months pregnant and no baby bump? \n2. Baby Daddy still living at home?\n3. Baby Daddy spending half his time sleeping in your apartment?\n4. Cheap rent?\n\nSounds like Baby Daddy hates living with mommy, but can't afford a place of his own. He's got a girlfriend who has a place where he spends most of his time rent free. If they make your life miserable enough they push you out and he moves in with the benefit of rent cheap enough he no longer has to live with mommy. \n\nI doubt she's pregnant and he's tired of living at his mom's house. Stay your ground. She can't evict you, your name is on the lease. Is her name on the lease? Who moved into the place first? \n\nIn any event you'll find out if she's really pregnant before your lease is up at the end of the year. Seven months pregnant and not showing yet? What took her so long to tell you? You'd think she would've told you at least 4 months ago or at least when she decided to keep the baby. It's her who has a need for space, so she should move her little family into their own place and let her deal with paying the landlord when she breaks the lease. Just tell her, "sorry about your luck, but I'm not going anywhere. Not my problem." As they say No is a one word sentence. Let her deal with HER problem., I actually wonder if she really is pregnant, or if that's a ruse to move her boyfriend into a cheaper apartment with her...\nNTA., She ruined her own motherhood experience by being ill equipped, and lacking the resources to have the Hallmark motherhood journey she wants.\n\nNTA - and I would reach out to the landlord to get ahead of any opportunity for you to be pushed out of the space at the end of your lease.\n\nYou are not in the way of this ‘happy family’ by living in the space you pay for and rent. Your roommates lack of birth control/funds seems to be what’s in her way. That’s not your fault., You're on the lease, and have need of the place. You're not responsible for her reproductive choices, and her entitlement is staggering. \n\n\nNTA, Are you kidding me right now?! You're on the lease. She can't make you leave. She and baby daddy need to find new digs, not you! Did she explain how it took her 7 months to realize she's pregnant? This isn't Monica making Rachel move out for Chandler. This is real life, and unlike Rachel, you're on the lease., NTA when it’s your name on the lease. Why would you be the one to move out? If the current space doesn’t work for her, then she needs to be one to go out and find a space that does and then lease that one in her name. Then she can make decisions like this, So they think it is reasonable for HER to upend your entire life because she gets pregnant by accident? Oh hell no. Don’t move. It is your home., NTA. I get why your roommate would want you to move out and all, but that was a big ask and she didn’t even ask. \n\nWhy can’t she move in with her baby daddy? Why can’t they find a place together? This seems like they haven’t figured anything out and they’re bringing a child into a chaotic mess., Your names on the lease. I'd talk to management about the situation before she does and tries to turn you into the problem., NTA sounds like it’s your apartment just as much as it is hers. She should move in with her baby daddy, NTA. You are on the hook for rent until the lease is up so you are not going anywhere. Tell the landlord she wants baby daddy to move in and will have an infant shortly. Ask for the landlord's take on this. The Landlord may choose to only renew your lease with another qualified renter because I do not think bf may be qualified as a renter unless he is worried about discrimination. She is not allowed to move bf in without Landlords consent., NTA. Tell her to pound sand.\n\nIf the living situation becomes intolerable (very likely) tell the landlord there's an authorized male and baby living in the apt. Larger complexes tend to not like this., NTA. You aren’t responsible for her decisions/mistakes. , I wouldn’t even leave at the end of the year. That’s your apartment, too. Her accident is not your problem., Not your circus, not your monkeys. Her baby, her baby daddy, her problem., You need to put the landlord in the picture and establish whether there’s any rules about overnight visitors (such as 2 nights a week or suchlike) as she’ll almost certainly try to move him in anyway., NTA, looks like she better find a place, May be worth getting ahead of and seeing if the owner/landlord will entertain someone being removed from the lease and what it would entail. There's plenty of stories on here where the landlord knows there's really only one reasonable person on the lease and wouldn't continue the lease without that person, Her circumstances changed, yours did not., NTA. Not at all. Her situation changed. She needs to adjust. Not you., NTA you are on the lease she can eff off., NTA - It’s on them to find a place to live for their family. She can’t kick you out of your own apartment, when you’re on the lease…\n\nIt’s their life that is changing, not yours, and it’s unfair and unselfish to demand you upend your life based on their whims and choices. You’re exactly right that it’s up to them to find somewhere to live while you find a new roommate. It would’ve been reasonable for her to give you advanced warning that she’d be moving out so you’d have time to find a new roommate, rather than throw a fit when you said you wouldn’t be leaving your home., NTA\n\nHer baby, her problem., NTA, but get on top of the situation with the landlord, NTA. Don't you dare leave if your name is on the lease. Legally, that's YOUR place and they can't make you leave just because "they want their family together." They should have thought of that before she got pregnant, or before she just found out even though she's 7 months along (which I have a hard time believing they JUST found out if she's that far along). Stand your ground!, NTA, she's pregnant SHE wants a family that lives together, SHE needs to move. They will have 2 incomes to your 1, NTA. Your roommate can move in with her BF and his mother if she is pregnant. It'll be ideal for them to have a babysitter so close by. But I suggest you check your lease about visitors staying over so often. Also a quiet word with your landlord may be an idea - before your roommate lies and tells them your moving on as I get the impression they might try and pull a fast one on you. , NTA. But, like someone else said, be prepared for the drama. And document ***everything.*** Buy a little notebook for that sole purpose., NTA - contact the landlord and give them a heads up. Let them know that come January you will be wanting to renew your lease on your own or with another roommate., NTA, but have you actually lived with a newborn baby before? If you refuse to leave, and she refuses to leave, then you’re gonna have to live with a crying baby through at least the end of your lease. And it’s not like she’ll be *less* crazy with pregnancy and post-partum hormones.\n\nYou’re totally right that your name is on the lease, and she can’t kick you out. But the trade-off here might be more than you bargained for. Especially since she has a history of being a crazy unstable roommate. Now she’ll be a crazy unstable mom!, You have half ownership, so your fine legally. Plus, it was she who decided to get pregnant not you. You shouldn't have to suffer for it., Pasta water Becca didn't know she was pregnant until she was 7 months along? NTA, NTA. It may sound harsh but she’s the one who decided to go out and get knocked up with her baby daddy. That’s her problem and that child is her responsibility, not yours., NTA. Your name is on the lease and you have a legal right to stay. She should have thought of all of this prior to seven months into her pregnancy., NTA-\n\nIs HER name on the Lease as well or just yours? She can't just order you to move out because HER circumstances changed. If she moves out can you afford the rent on your own or are you going to need to get another roommate? \n\nIf her name is not on the Lease she can not take over your apartment anyway. If she tries to bring the boyfriend in to live in the apartment tell her NO. Tell her you will tell the Landlord as it is (probably) against the Lease. \n\nYou do realize that if she does manage to push you out of your apartment and you are on the Lease that if you move, and they fall behind on rent that you will be legally responsible for that debt unless you get the Landlord to remove you from the Lease before you move?\n\nShe and her BF need to move and set up house for their baby - it's THEIR lives who are changing it shouldn't cause grief for you., Nta. But if I was you I would reach out to the landlord and just let them know your roommate and her partner are trying to kick you out. That incase she reaches out you’re not consenting to being dropped from the lease. And if possible you would like to renew the lease by yourself when it comes time to renew. This way they know that’s going on in case she gets crazier or she decides to pretend you want to leave, NTA \n\nYou pay the rent; the lease is in your name. Becca and her partner would need to find a new place. Inform her partner that it's your residence, so if anyone is being inconvenienced, it's you. He needs to take responsibility and provide a place for his girlfriend and their child; they are his responsibility, not yours. The sooner they find their own place, the better for everyone involved.\n\nRemember, if the lease is in your name, you're responsible for the apartment. Anything that happens is on you, so don't relinquish your home., NTA she can have the baby crib in her room if she wants privacy she should be the one to move to more suitable accommodation., I was going to say you could negotiate a deal of her paying for your move or whatever. But most importantly DO NOT LEAVE IF YOUR NAME IS STILL ON THE LEASE. Make sure you have copies of the agreement to break the lease if you do., NTA - tell your landlord, NTA tell her to move in with baby daddy. Let her cry, she's just trying to get you out - and contact the landlord ASAP. I doubt moving a 3rd person plus a baby in is not in the lease agreement. Her pregnancy is not your responsibility- it's the responsibility of the leech that got her pregnant , NTA and I hate that someone like that is bringing another person into the world to ultimately be another shitty human being like herself.\n\nYou are 100% in the right here OP and she is just trying to emotionally manipulate you.\n\n> That made her start crying\n\nManipulation tactic 1. Crying on command to gain sympathy.\n\n> saying how I just want to ruin her life\n\nManipulation tactic 2. False accusations to put you on the defensive.\n\n> her baby daddy had to console her\n\nManipulation tactic 3. "Good Cop" using body language to shame you.\n\n> tell me to get out of their way already.\n\nManipulation tactic 4. Vague threats that imply you are the problem.\n\nShe's the idiot that got herself knocked up without thinking it through. Her lack of planning is not an emergency on your part. She can move in with the baby daddy., NTA. Why can't she move in with her man at his place? You are on the lease, your circumstances haven't changed. Babies don't need their own room., NTA - I’ve never been able to wrap my head around how entitled people can be., Nta. She ruined her own life, I’m so sick of this. \n\nNTA. Stand your ground. I’m sure she knew how to prevent pregnancy. This is her problem to figure out. Just because she got pregnant doesn’t mean it’s your responsibility to make life easier for ver, You’re on the lease. She has no legal or moral standing on this one. She’s the one having a baby, she’s the one who needs to move. NTA, Updateme, Definitely NTA. Don't let her try to rush you out. She and baby daddy should find a place.\n\nStill, if it looks like there's a chance she's going to stay, you should start trying to get out of there asap. You are NOT going to want to be there when this baby arrives., I think you should throw a party over the next few weekends and make her uncomfortable, NTA - her life decisions don't involve you, NTA. They made a decision to have a baby and move in together. This has absolutely nothing to do with you. She can move in with him or they can find a new place together. Either way, their failure to plan is not your issue., NTA. Even if you were TA for not actually moving out (you're not), you couldn't possibly be TA for not *wanting to* move out., NTA, She just discovered 7 mo in??? NTA, you’re on lease. If she’s going to be parent she needs to put on her big girl panties and sort out her own housing. Also you are in NO obligation to let the BF move in., NTA, not your circus not your monkeys, let her figure stuff out on her own after she demanding things in that manner., NTA, but speak to the landlord immediately, as she might try to move in her boyfriend and make the living situation difficult., NTA. However, you need to let the landlord know the situation immediately. In addition, if the BD ever stays there, that makes him a tenant, another fact the landlord needs to know., Tell baby daddy his name isn’t on the lease and that he can’t tell you what to do in your home. But he can leave., NTA. This a "Lack of planning or your part does not constitute an emergency on mine." She thought you'd just clap your hands and happily agree to become homeless for her "motherhood experience." Some people should not reproduce. Sorry if that's harsh but it's still true., If she wants to live with her boyfriend, then she can move out. Don’t let them bully you. If they try anything then tell your landlord \n\nIs her own name even on the lease? \n\nNTA, Nta. Her poor choices are not your responsibility. She wants to play house with her boyfriend she can move., She's trying to make her problem your problem. You don't have to go anywhere., She probably doesn't have $1000 on hand for the lease break fee, and if you don't take you're name off the lease these idiots can ruin your credit and your chances in future leases. Don't leave., At work we call this "your poor planning does not constitute my emergency". (I mean 7 months! How?!)\n\nNTA. Stand your ground., You are on the lease. Have them pay you the cost of breaking the lease. They can falsely renew with your name still on it and then trash the place and bail. Leaving you liable. Do it the legal way. If you need to shit them down. Notify the landladies to protect yourself. Tell him/them you have a situation., It's your roommate's problem not yours you didnt get her pregnant, NTA. Talk to your landlord. If she moves her BD in let your landlord know. You signed a lease for two people. Not three., NTA. Your friend is really narcissistic. Tell her and her BF that they can find another place to live. Is he even on the lease? Tell the landlord he’s crashing there., NTA.\nYou said that you are on the lease. \nIs she on the lease?, NTA. Your name is on the lease. Unless your landlord agrees to release you, you’re responsible for your part of that rent, whether you live there or not. Your landlord can also charge you for breaking the lease- either a set amount (like forfeiture of your deposit plus cleaning and painting costs), or the full remainder of your lease. \nSince she’s the one that wants the big life change, she’s the one who needs to move and incur those costs if that occurs., NTA. This is definitely HER problem, not yours. Let her baby daddy (Good lord, I hate that term) find them a place., NTA. This is your home as well as hers. She can always ask, but she has no right to kick you out of your home. And if your name is on the lease, you are responsible for the rent until the end of that lease. I would speak with the landlord and ask if he has maybe a cheap one-bedroom, or another 2 bedroom at the same or lower rent you and another friend could move into. The landlord may be willing to do that because then they have 2 rents coming in instead of one. At the end of the lease there will be a battle over who gets to sign the new lease. See if landlord will let you sign on your own for the renewal and add a roommate later., First red flag: not telling you she was pregnant til now. She is trying to manipulate you. Tell the landlord. They probably don’t want a baby and a man they don’t know living there., If it's your life or her life getting ruined. Then by all means, ruin the fuck out of her life and boot her bloated ass. She is obviously not your friend and I you got the advantage of having the lease on your name then make the most of it., NTA- if she wants you to move out let her know you’re more than happy to do so if she’s willing to pay for your move and buy you out of how ever many months are left on the lease., so she didnt have a period for 7 months and just now figured out? isn't that kinda crazy?, also not really your problem she decided to spread her legs and get preggo, tell her to move out with her bf, she can't legally tell you to move anyway cause you're on the lease, NTA. stand your ground. Her bad decisions do not necessitate an emergency on your part. Be prepared to talk to the landlord. I suspect next she will move in baby daddy anyway and you'll need to get the landlord involved., No. Hold your ground. Is her name on the lease at all? If not, tell her to get moving and move out. She's had plenty of time to know she needed to make other plans. How about moving in with baby daddy? They have no right to kick you out of your apartment. Your roomie is TAH., NTA., Your name is on the lease, and how can someone not know they are that pregnant? I am imagining that she's likely quite overweight so she really isn't looking any different than normal. I would let management know that YOU wish to remain but without her and that you will be looking for another apartment mate. Let her go live with BD and his mama., NTA. Your name is on the lease, so if she and BD decide not to pay rent, you could be on the hook as well.\n\nTell her you'll help her pack. She has a man to help her move so they can have a place together. Do anything you can to get rid of this drama triad ASAP. But do not put your contract with the lease company in their hands., NTA\n\n \nyou are fine. This is our home. There is NO reason for you o move out when you don'T want to.\n\n \nIf she wants to live with the baby daddy, SHE has to move out., You do realize that living with a newborn will be hell right? Sounds like your roommate should move out if you won’t. NTA, She can find a subtenant and get an apartment with her new family. That's typically how this works., If the lease is in your name, you don't move, and she does if she wants to live with her baby and its father.\n\nNTA, NTA, NTA she and baby daddy can find somewhere else. Not up to you to turn your life upside down due to other people’s lifestyle choice., NTA\n\nThe key thing in your favor is your name is on the lease., She thinks she can kick you out because she got pregnant? Lol, Nta, NTA \nYou're on the lease, don't move out! Go talk to the lease holder and suggest that you would like to renew alone when the lease is up. Get the jump on things. I think it's outrageous that she has the nerve to demand that you move out. Her circumstances have changed, not yours. She has to move, not you!, NTA. I have a lot of sympathy for her situation but her go to solution can't be to assume that she can evict you. She can't legally and she can't ethically. For that matter, she can't legally or contractually add her boyfriend to the lease- only your landlord could do that. Given how she reacted, I would call your landlord and give them a heads up on the situation. Ask if they'd be ok with you bringing in a roommate if she and her boyfriend find a new place. And just to be kind, ask them if they happen to have another unit available. I would also ask your landlord to remind you of the rules regarding overnight guests. The baby won't be a guest- baby's rights are legally protected- but if she tries to move boyfriend in informally, you should be aware of the limits to that. I would also prepare for a shit show if she doesn't find a new unit quickly- it may be that by the end of the year the noise and stress in the house are too uncomfortable for you to tolerate. Hopefully she finds a new place., ...] | 1892 | 21769 | 0.98 | /r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1fd0m2c/aita_for_refusing_to_move_out_even_though_my/ | 2024-09-09 16:09:56 | NaT | 0 | 0 | 108 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 4 |
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| 992 | AITA for Telling My Wife She’s “Fucking Wrong” and That My Mom Is Right? | I (35M) have been married to my wife (32F) for five years, and we’ve been struggling financially for the past few months. I lost my job about three months ago, and while I’ve found part-time work, it doesn’t pay nearly as much as before. We’ve had to cut back on a lot of things, but it feels like no matter what we do, we’re still living paycheck to paycheck and even pulling from savings.\n\nRecently, my mom (65F) came over to visit, and she noticed how stressed I was about the money situation. She offered some advice on how we could save money—things like cutting down on takeout, meal prepping to avoid buying groceries multiple times a week, and switching to cheaper brands. My mom has always been frugal, especially when she was raising me and my siblings on a tight budget. I thought it made sense, especially since we’re really trying to save wherever we can. I asked if she was willing to go through our spending and show where we could cut down. My wife agreed with this.\n\nShe made a whole spreadsheet about our spending, and we are spending wayyyyy to much on fun stuff. We don’t need Starbucks everyday and so on. It also became apparent that most of the fun spending was my wifes\n\nTbh my wife didn’t take the breakdown well and started arguing with my mom that her spreadsheet was wrong. She said that my mom’s way of doing things is “outdated” and doesn’t work for us. She doesn’t want to give up buying organic produce, and she likes having variety in what we eat each week. I tried to explain that we need to make some sacrifices if we want to get out of this financial hole, but she kept insisting that things weren’t as bad as I was making them out to be and that we just needed to “ride it out.”\n\nMy mom left at this point and we were still arguing, and she told me she can’t give up her takeout . She also went on about my mom being wrong. That’s when I lost my patience and said, “You’re f***ing wrong. My mom is right. She managed to raise three kids on one income, and we can’t even cut back on groceries for a few months? .”\n\nMy wife got really upset, saying I am being a huge jerk for winding with my mom and that my mom is outdated. She’s barely spoken to me since, and now I’m wondering if I went too far. But the way I see it, we need to be realistic about our situation, and my mom’s advice could actually help us get back on track. | Not the A-hole | [[removed], NTA\n\n* Your wife wants to continue the lifestyle you had before you lost your job.\n* She's closed to any compromise that could affect her lifestyle.\n* She refuses to see how dire your financial situation is.\n* She refuses to take any responsibilities.\n* Your wife is okay with your mother's input only if your mother says what she wants to hear.\n\nWas the F\*ck necessary? Probably not. But, in this context, with the frustration building up, I can understand the word slipping here. So, no, not the asshole, even with this word.\n\nI'd ask your wife what are the solutions according to her then? If your mother is wrong and your wife is right, then ask her to explain to you how she is right. What solutions can she propose?\n\nHere are other things that you could tell her:\n\n* Meal prep, can be boring indeed. But, instead of meal prep, you could "ingredient prep". Meaning that you could prep a bunch of ingredients that can be use in different receipe. There's a whole community on Youtube doing it and giving ideas.\n* Instead of her daily Starbucks. She could cut it down to once a week. The rest of the week, you could buy the ingredients that creates her Moka Pumpkin Spice with wipcream and cacao powder coffee and she could make it herself at home. Most of the time, it ends up 10x better and 10x less expensive.\n* You could cut down the take out at once a week and transforming it into a romantic night.\n\nThose are the solutions your mother told you already, but with a positive note added to it. Now, of course your problem seems deeper than just trying to put everything into a positive perspective. Your wife is acting extremely childish. But for the problem at hand, I think it might work.\n\nAs for your wife and her attitude, I'm kind of out of words here.\n\nEdit: I know, my comment is already long. I just read a few of your answers and God Damn! You have a wife problem here. She refuses to work full time because it's bad for her mental health? You lost your job, she needs to put more effort right now. That's what partnership is all about! She is extremely selfish and entitled. You don't just have a temporary financial problem, you have a full time wife problem. She refuses to put any effort on every front of your relationship (As far as I know). She is waiting for you to do almost everything (financially speaking).\n\nThis needs to be addressed more seriously. Her lack of responsibility and effort into this relationship is a huge red flag., Living within your income will never be outdated advice., NTA. Your wife agreed to go through your budget with your mom, your mom took the time and effort to review things and then it sounds like your wife was very rude and dismissive. As far as I know math hasn't changed that much in the last 30 years so it's not clear how your mom's views are outdated. , Info. You mentioned your own loss of a job and working part time. Does your wife work? Is she the primary earner right now?, NTA and your wife needs to learn the difference between a need and a want. She doesn't want to give up her luxuries. So evidently Starbucks is more important than financial security. My husband and I are very frugal. I do not upgrade my phone until I have to. We only eat out dinner once a week. We pack our lunches. We do not have designer expensive clothes. I shop sales for everything. I plan my menu for the week around the sale ad. My husband and I make over 250 grand a year and he wears Rural King jeans that cost 12.99. Because we do not need to impress anyone. I would rather have 3 grand in a 30 dollar purse than a 3 grand purse with $30 in it. As a result we can pay cash for items like cars, etc. We are set up well for retirement. It is called priorities. Paying 10 bucks for a coffee during the week adds up to $50. That is 2600 a year. That coffee tastes good but when you can't pay your bills or have no money for emergencies or retirement what are you going to do?, ~~INFO did your wife and you discuss having this conversation with your mom and did the three of you sit down an make this spreadsheet together? Or did you and your mom do this on the side and share the info with your wife later?~~\n\nEdit: NTA, your wife agreed to the conversation and is being unreasonable because she doesn’t like the suggestions, NTA. Everything your mother said still applies. If you're pulling from savings but still buying Starbucks, takeout, organic groceries, streaming services etc., it's time for somebody with some sense to start yelling. These are the actual priorities:\n\n* Rent/mortgage and renters'/homeowners' insurance\n* Car payment if applicable and insurance\n* Health insurance\n* Utilities / gas for the car\n* Basic food, although you could look to see what you may be able to get from food banks\n\nIt sounds like your wife has never had to economize from her baseline, but she's going to have to learn. What is her plan once you run out of savings? Keep buying organic while you're couch surfing?, NTA and your wife needs a major reality check!! Calling a sensible budget old fashioned is beyond stupid! A budget is a budget - there’s no expiration on common sense. \n\nIn 2008 -2009 when tens of thousands of people lost their jobs, myself AND my husband both got laid off. We did exactly what you did - sat down and made a budget and determined what to cut out. Eating out was #1 thing we dropped. My monthly pedicure went away. Coupon cutting became a fucking religion! I fear for your marriage and financial future if your wife can’t wrap her head around the concept of living within your means! , NTA. Between your wife’s resistance to your mom’s perspective and your comment that she refuses to work full time due to her “mental health” the reality is your wife is the source of your financial strain. She refuses to take responsibility for her part of the problem and is looking for a magic bullet to solve things without having to sacrifice. You’re going to be trapped in this cycle until she gets her head out of her ass., NTA, but your wife certainly is! She claims your moms ways are "outdated," when they're actually just realistic.\n\nYou and your wife absolutely need to get on the same page in regards to finances, otherwise the issue will never be resolved and your current situation will become the normal.\n\nThe single most important financial decision you can make is who you marry., Not sure why you needed a spreadsheet to tell you to stop getting Starbucks every day. The cost saving measures your mom suggested are SO basic that I have to call you and your wife assholes for seemingly not even trying. , If my son asked for my help and I saw that his wife was spending at Starbucks, takeout, etc, I'd explain that while I'd love to help, maybe this is something they should figure out together. \n\nMom tried to help, was asked to help, but in the end, she's going to be the bad guy. OP didn't mean to set her up, but basically she was set up. He should know his wife well enough to know that she was not going to take that advice. NTA, but think smarter next time, not harder., INFO - cooking at home, while more economical, does create additional work in prep and cleaning. Are you both contributing to that equally?\n\nMaking major daily life changes can be challenging, especially when coupled with stress. You're NTA, but your wife may be struggling and ignoring the issue may be easier for her right now. Sitting down and having a conversation about the stress, etc. may be helpful for you both., NTA. Your wife agreed to go through this with your mom. \n\nI don't understand how cutting out things that aren't essentials for a few months is outdated. That's what my husband and I did when we bought our house and found out we were pregnant. We could manage didn't want to worry about being paycheck to paycheck. And it worked. \n\nAlso meal prepping is the way to go! Not only does it save you money but SO much time throughout the week., NTA. Im guessing it’s because a majority of the bad spending was on your wife’s part so she may feel “attacked”.\n\nI would honestly show her the show financial audit on YouTube as there are a lot of parallels in her logic and the people on the show…..they’re obviously not doing well to be on the show., I don't know why you, as a grown adult, didn't review your spending the minute you lost your FT job. If anything makes both you and your wife AH, that's it., NTA, although language and tone got in the way of that. You and your wife NEED to have this conversation, because you're obviously at odds, but accusations and loud cursing will not get you there.\n\nI can see why your wife is calling your mom's ideas outdated, because the millenial shift in thought is often stereotyped as "you can't take it with you, so enjoy it now." It's what boomers said when they got to retirement, but now applied to younger people who think it NOW while they have the money to do fun stuff.. It's where avocado toast came from, and frankly, it's not wrong... if you're happy with never making it out of the hole.\n\nYou're obviously not. Your mother's advice IS good advice, and her spreadsheet is not wrong. It's triggering for your wife because it points out that what she considers her feel-goods, impulsive or fun spending, are financially incompatible with the financial security that would be more stable. Stability versus comfort seems like an easy call, except for many people, myself included, stability without comfort isn't actually stability.\n\nYou will want to talk to a real financial advisor. You will want to look into couples counselling, and if you can get the two in the same place, that's a good idea. What you and your wife want, at the moment, are incompatible and far apart. You will probably need some assistance to get to compromise, and it will have to be compromise. Your mother's stringent drop-it-all advice is too strict and will not fly.\n\nGood luck., NTA. Once your wife realized the overspending was mostly on her she got embarrassed and defensive and tried to dismiss your mom’s advice. Your vows are for rocker and poorer so it’s time to make hard choices. Tell your wife she didn’t know she was overspending and you don’t blame her but you need a plan going forward and some changes need to be made until money is coming in again., NTA. But I can't believe you needed your mom to come over and tell you that you can't buy Starbucks and take out every day when you're living paycheck to paycheck. Yikes. 😬 you both need to grow up., I think there’s a nuanced way to look at this; like healthier options might be pricier like some organic stuff, but those are things where its worth the difference. But things like starbucks - thats a big no. Its cheaper to make those things at home! \n\nLike even getting cheaper alternatives will save lots of money. I think cutting everything will be difficult and not sustainable but like gradual changes are far more sustainable and worth it., Is it that she doesn't want to cook? If so would you be willing to take over the cooking? Rotate? Because if you don't want to why should she have to. Other then that I agree no one needs Starbucks everyday etc, ~~INFO: are YOU going to be the one doing the meal planning and preping? Or is this all advice for what your wife needs to do?~~\n\nEdit: OP's comment below, I am amazed they are doing as well as they are., NTA\n\nLosing it wasn't okay but if you try to get your finances together and see your wife argueing in such a rude way with your mom *who knows what to do*, I can understand losing it. That doesn't make it okay in any way, but it is understandable. \n\nAnd that your wife is in a part time job 'refusing to go full time' should be in your post. If you don't want to earn more money you can't have everything you want. If she wants to keep the luxury of an overpriced coffee each day she needs to get a better job.\n\nCutting back like that is not "outdated.\n\nGiven there is a child involved, this gets even worse. Why exactly is your wife only thinking about herself and her luxury...? Questionable to say the least., Good message, bad delivery \n\nNot necessarily not the asshole but you’re not wrong, Info: have neither of you never made a budget before? I’m a bit taken aback., Your mistake was making it "you're wrong my mom is right". Your conversation should have been "You're wrong, the facts are right". Your Mom is just the messanger, Info: everything that needs to be cut seems to fall under 'stuff your wife likes'....can you tell me what treats/creature comforts of yours are included?, Starbucks every day? Expensive organic produce? Your wife is living in cloud cuckoo land. NTA, I worked in debt settlement/negotiation for a few years and consulted on budgets like OP's mom did for them. I sometimes talked to people who were grossly over spending and were grossly in debt but who refused to change their lifestyle despite the offer to help resolve all the debt for a tiny fraction of the cost. Some folks won't learn.\n\n\nOP should separate their budget so each gets a share for personal use. His wife should start to feel the burn soon enough., NTA, although swearing isn't appropriate when you're having a serious talk with your partner - but emotions were high, and it happens. I hope you apologize for your tone when you have an inevitable follow-up conversation.\n\nAlso, there's no need to lean on your mom as an "expert" here and make this a battle between your wife and her. The numbers are in black and white (and in your case, red) and they are objective facts.\n\nI would recommend taking your mom's numbers and extrapolating how much debt you'd be in if you kept spending this way for a year with no changes to your income. If your wife sees the level of debt you'd be in, and the amount of money you'd be spending every month servicing that debt, that might make her less tempted to "ride it out".\n\nChanging long-term habits is really hard! It's hard not to feel like you're being punished when all of these nice things you used to be able to have are no longer available to you. I've got sympathy for her, but she's deep, deep in denial about the reality of the situation.\n\nGood luck OP - don't let her denial drag you into a hole of debt!, So I needed to pay $20,000 back to my father-in-law after he loan us money for a down payment on condo. We really didn’t have $20,000 laying around trust me so we decided to go to a cash budget. Our budget was around $1000 a month for absolutely everything including food, gas haircuts clothing, household, expenses, fun. Believe it or not we actually managed to pay him back in one year because we were so frugal. It was totally brutal. My personal budget was $100 a month for everything like I said, including my haircuts, clothing, shampoo, make up, and although it sucked it worked, and we caught all the money paid back. There was no arguing about fun stuff or takeout or anything. We just tried our best to live within that strict budget and learned to live without., It breaks my heart to see people struggling financially and falling for the "organic" scam. It's just a marketing term. It doesn't mean the food is bettercor safer, NTA. I am the spendy wife. I admit it. I am the queen of “treat yoself” every time I get in my car, telling myself something is “only $15”, not wanting to cook and pushing for pizza, etc. I think it’s because I grew up in poverty so now that I have the money to just see something and get it, I have a hard time not doing so. But I’m also the person that then does the budget at the end of the month and freaks myself out about how much we’re spending, knowing damn well it’s me and that my husband has worn the same clothes for 5 years. We are going through a transitional phase right now. I’m on maternity leave, my husband is on probation at work and can’t pick up OT, and soon we’ll be paying for 2 kids in daycare. I KNOW we need to cut back. I KNOW the problem is me. But I also know it is the only way to keep our kids fed and in daycare and keep our lights on. It seems like your wife is not ready to admit these things about herself. Cutting back and changing your mindset really is hard, but it’s necessary , I get that you're stressed, but telling your wife she’s “f\*\*\*ing wrong” in an argument with your mom in the mix? That’s like throwing gasoline on a fire while standing right next to it. Your wife might not agree with your mom’s approach, but teaming up with your mom against her is probably what stung the most. Maybe try having a calmer convo with your wife where you both find middle ground—like a budget that allows for some fun stuff, but without breaking the bank. It’s about compromise, not picking sides!, Never take up for your mom in front of your wife. In public and in front of others you should always have your wife’s back. I would be really interested on hearing your wife’s side on what was actually said to her. In general though keep your mom out of it. Obviously for tight budgeting you have to cut out restaurants for a bit. But I don’t think you needed your mom to tell you that., NTAH...\n\n\nYour wife is financially irresponsible wanting to live a champagne lifestyle on a ginger beer budget. \n\n\nAt this point, you need to only pay for the essentials like rent and utilities and car insurance and gas for yourself with the income you have so you aren't homeless. \nSave what you have left after paying for that and spend time with your mom and do some meal prep within your budget. \nTake packed lunches to work, portion control food and stock up your freezer. \n\n\nStop feeding her spendaholic monster. , I mean, cutting back on takeout and Starbucks is a no brainer. Meal prepping for the entire week and eating the same meal everyday seems extreme unless things are desperate. \n\nNTA but the approach probably made your wife feel attacked, which could be counter productive. After your mom did her review, the conversation should’ve moved to the two of you to discuss the budget and which recommendation you would take based on your combined income, NTA. I think the issue isn’t so much about your wife wanting to give up her current life style. It probably has more to do with your mom showing what is wrong with both your finances. She doesn’t want to be shown that what she is doing is wrong, especially coming from your mom. Your wife probably feels like your mom is trying to tell her what to do. Some wives just don’t want another woman telling them that what they are doing is not the correct way to do things. If this came from a financial advisor, your wife would probably be on board to change., NTA. Yea sure you shouldn’t have yelled but your wife needs a huge reality check. Your mom was correct and I think your wife was rude to her and should apologize. Your wife is being ridiculous. Not only does she not want to give up unnecessary expenses but she only works part time and WON’T work more hours because it’s “bad for her mental health”. You are both adults and parents, it’s time to start acting like it., Math doesn’t get “outdated”. If your wife thinks breaking down your spending and making a budget is “outdated”, I think we know why you’re having financial issues.\n\nEdit to add judgement: NTA, INFO: why are you only working part time?\n\nedit, why are BOTH OF Y'ALL only working part time, oh my god. start selling feet pics or SOMETHING, This is the most loaded title I’ve seen in a long time, NTA but you handled this badly, and I get why your wife probably felt attacked and got defensive with your mother getting all up in her financial business whether she initially agreed to it or not. \n\nShe sounds irresponsible, immature, and like she needs a reality check but unless your mom and your wife have an unusually close relationship this was always going to turn into a fight. Your mom shouldn't be involved here, there's no reason two adults in their 30s couldn't have made a spreadsheet and thought to make dinner at home by themselves. Is your wife still working full time? I can tell you I'd be pretty pissed if I was the one bringing in most of the money and my husband got his mother to go through my finances and criticize my spending habits. , INFO: Is your spouse still working full time while you are part-time now? Who does the grocery shopping/cooking? If it’s still your spouse, then you could take over the grocery shopping and cook for your spouse so they don’t feel like they need to get takeout—and you can just buy non-organic produce., Is the wife doing most of the meal prep, cooking and grocery shopping? What if the husband took that on, so it wasn’t her problem anymore? Maybe she wants takeout because she doesn’t want to cook every meal., Did you really need your mom to tell you things like buy less takeout, do meal prep, switch to cheaper brands, and go to Starbucks less? I mean, those are the no-brainers, and what always makes me mad when the 'financial experts' on the talk shows say because no shit, anyone who can do that does already.\n\nI'm going with ESH, because if your wife works, she's bringing in money, too. Both of you should already have been doing things -- especially the obvious things to cut expenses until your work situation improves. Just how much takeout are you getting? If it's 5 days or more, that's too much. If it's once a week, it doesn't seem like that should be such a problem., NTA, your wife got exposed for her irresponsible spending habits and is refusing to take accountability and make sacrifices. It’s called making a sacrifice for a reason - it’s something you don’t want to give up. Not wanting to give it up is not a valid excuse and defeats the whole purpose of talking about making sacrifices.\n\nDoes she seriously buy Starbucks everyday? Also refusing to give up some takeout is bordering on straight up entitled, Info: Why did you need your mom to tell you to cut down on takeout? How was this not obvious to you?, ESH. Don't involve your mom. She's not the only frugal person in the world. It always feels like you're teaming up against your spouse when you do something like that. It never goes well even if she agreed to it. You are grown adults, you shouldn't need your mom., NTA.\n\nIf the math is "wrong", then your wife will be fine with you two maintaining separate bank accounts., 1. Maybe she doesn’t want to cut back on her spending because she didn’t lose her job.\n2. Maybe she gets Starbucks every day because of her schedule with getting to work - such as not having time for coffee before work.\n3. You’ve already cut back on a lot of things. But still sometimes pull from savings. Your complaint is that you aren’t saving right now. Savings are for times like this.\n\nSeems like OP is worried they won’t find better paying work any time soon, which is a fair thing to say, while wife figures we have cut back on stuff already and most of the time we are making enough to not pull from savings even though we aren’t adding to it. \n\nIt would have been good to get the wife’s say and input on what to cut back on. Like instead of two coffees a day could you get a large in the morning? (If that’s a thing. I need to see the breakdown). Instead of buying lunch out every day could you bring snacks and buy every other day? But to have it be led by her what she cuts back on. \n\nDo you all work from home or outside the home? Because it’s a lot easier not to spend money when you work from home., ESH\n\nMost likely your tAH because this sounds fake as hell. But on the off chance it’s not, everyone is the AH because this is common sense and you all definitely should have known that. This reads like an ad for why this generation doesn’t know how to save money., NTA. I guess you could have gone about this using a source other than your mother. Literally *any* financial advisor would tell you how foolish it is to put yourself in financial peril for Starbucks and organic fruit. If you’re paycheck to paycheck and constantly eating takeout, that’s just ridiculous. \n\nThat said, make sure you establish a fair division of household labor. All that meal planning and shopping and prepping and cooking can save you a lot of money over takeout, but it’s also a lot of additional labor.\n\nETA: I just saw your comment that she works part time but you earn the lion’s share of the money even in your current part time position. So she doesn’t want to work full time. She doesn’t want to change her lifestyle. She doesn’t want to have to meal plan and cook. You don’t seem to be living in the same reality., I mean, if you brought my MIL over to illustrate how I am the root of the problems in our home and I now need to change everything I look forward to, I wouldn’t respond maturely. All I’d see is my MIL’s smug face as she lived out her dream scenario of putting me in my face. \n\n Op, you may have had the truth on your side, but you really rubbed her face in it and made her accepting reality and truth excruciating and humiliating. I realize you guys didn’t realize how money works and needed someone to teach you about budgets, but it was easier for you to accept because the lesson came from your mom and didn’t highlight you as the problem. \n\nESH, because daily Starbucks and constant takeout is insane when needing to make substantial financial change and because you found the most brutal way to make your point. Good luck., It's all good that you cut the cost of food bought and made...\n\nlet's be honest, if you are going to cook and support the house, she could be more reasonable in accepting...\n\non the other hand, if you want her to do everything, because she is a "woman", obviously she gets angry...\n\nalso this is a serious mistake from the beginning, I don't know, but I'm sure she doesn't know how to cook, she doesn't want to clean and all that work, and it's very possible and she knows that everything will be left to her...\n\nif you help, clean and cook, that's another thing...\n\n\n\ndoes she know how to cook? do you know how to cook?, NTA but having your mom set a budget for you and going through your finances was probably not a great choice on either you or your wife\n\nYou’ve got a basic idea now (thanks to your mom!) about how things look, but now you and wife should each make your own version of a budget and try to find a compromise. \n\nI’d recommend what works for my family and is often recommended around here: set an amount each pay period - that you can afford - for each of you to get to spend or save however you like. She can eat through it each month in Starbucks and takeout or she can save up to buy something on her wishlist and you have no control over it. But once she spends it, it’s gone and she’ll have to wait to \n\nSwitching from credit cards to debit/cash can be really good too. When we started trying to pay down our debt, I got a bank account that would let me keep $0 in the checking account without penalty and I could move money from savings when I needed to make a purchase. I set it to refuse overdrafts, so if I don’t have the money in the account, I can’t buy it. It’s like the virtual version of envelope budgeting. (Although actual cash envelopes are really good for people just learning to spend on a budget) It really helped with overspending, but also with avoiding accidental auto payments for things like subscriptions we forgot about., NTA in general because she agreed to this conversation. \n\n\nBut it *is* kind of cringy to involve your mom in your marriage problems. If you're in the US and have a United Way, call them and ask if your area has any free financial counselors. Your wife needs to hear she's out of line from a neutral source who isn't family. , Since you are only working a PT you can take over the cooking, meal planning, and shopping. Was your mom telling her to do the meal prep and planning? Your wife if probably embarrassed and frustrated., One thing, is your wife working?\n\nMaybe if she is, she resents losing the ‘treats’ she buys budgeted into her wage just because your wage is now much lower. Maybe she thinks ‘It’s not my fault, I’m still earning $x, why do I have to miss out?’\n\nNot agreeing with her, btw, clearly you need to budget on the entire amount coming in, just suggesting why she may be reluctant., You’re not wrong about the issue, but you are T A for the way you handled it. This was an unproductive way to open her eyes to your current (and hopefully short-term) financial situation. \n\nYou can be right, or you can be happy. Choose wisely., NTA- Sounds like she didn't like hearing that she is the main issue, w your finances. Living paycheck to paycheck sucks! Always one or two problems away from poverty. No Take out and organic veggies for a few months I'd a small price to pay., INFO: who does the meal planning and cooking? Who will be doing the meal prep?, NTA.\n\nI think your wife might have felt cornered/ganged up on especially because of the spreadsheet. That perhaps talking to her first before presenting all of that (your mom's really helpful for doing all that work and giving you all the tips though) would have made her less defensive. She probably didn't realize that she does a lot of the "fun" spending between the two of you and did not appreciate that it was all laid out for her to see. Hence the angry and defensive reaction. (Also when the hell did saving money and choosing cheaper food alternatives become "outdated"???), Your point might be right but your delivery sounds lacking., NTA.\n\n\nNope NAL, but wifey is for not realizing that math is still the same and not actually listening to MIL suggestions would've helped in the long run. You are doing everything in your power to get bills paid, put food on the table, amongst other necessities involved. \n\n\nYour wife needs to learn to spend frugally from now on just like MIL did when you were growing up. Almost everything is expensive nowadays with taxes included. This is a hill to die on cause living pay check to pay check is not good for everyone., I think we have an Iranian yogurt situation. I don’t think she is really upset at the math, just that she has to cut back when she isn’t the one who lost her job. Shitty situation for everyone., I'm not sure I would have liked my MIL being involved in this but your wife agreed. That said, your mother is absolutely correct. The spending for Starbucks and take out has to stop. You can get back on track if she's willing to be part of the solution instead of the problem. That said, I think this situation is going to cause problems between your mother and wife for a long time., Who is doing the shopping and cooking, and does your wife work outside the home? If you want to take your mom's advice, do so. It's easier for your wife to not get take out of there is a meal ready at home. It's easier for you to follow your mom's advice about organic/brand vs. generic if you are doing the shipping., Do you grocery shop with your wife? Plan your meals together based on what’s on sale and what’s already in your cupboards. Grocery shop together, meal prep together, cook dinner together, clean up the kitchen together. If you aren’t doing the cooking then you have no idea how stressful it can be to have that responsibility every day., As someone whose going to lose my own income in a few months when I leave AD, I feel for your wife. It's hard to make such changes. My husband has been on my ass about our finances and is stressing me the fuck out, and we've fought many, many times about it. However, I don't like my parents, let alone in MIL, to talk to me about finances. Your wife agreed to sit with your mom and discuss the finances, but maybe that wasn't a good idea. You need to talk with your wife rather than your mom about it. Trader Joe's and Aldi exist and have organic produce for cheaper., Well, first you should’ve sat down together and said, we are spending too much, we need to cut X amount out of our monthly expenses, let’s figure out where to do that. \n\nThen did it together. , How is budgeting outdated? NTA. *Everyone* should know how to budget.\n\n* This is how much money we get every month.\n* These are our required monthly bills (energy, council tax, water, rent/mortgage, phones/broadband, insurance, transport, etc.).\n* This is how much we have left after the *required* bills are paid.\n * How much of that *should* be spent on food, savings, clothing, entertainment, and others?\n * How much are we *currently* spending?\n\nOP's mum even did the "Where is our money currently going?" and "Where can we cut back?" parts *for* them. Wife is just salty it's mostly *her* things that need cutting back, but she's not being unfairly targeted if she's doing most of the unnecessary spending. You can only make cutbacks where there are cutbacks to be made, and if one person is having homemade coffee every morning and the other always gets a takeaway coffee instead, then clearly the takeaway coffee is the thing that should be cut back. It's not rocket science and it's not personal., While you are correct in your assessment, the way you handled it is what makes you “kinda” TAH. \n\nWithout knowing more about your marriage…like do you usually cuss at each other? You probably could have found a better way to get your point across.] | 6852 | 21578 | 0.94 | /r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1fpx5ry/aita_for_telling_my_wife_shes_fucking_wrong_and/ | 2024-09-26 09:12:11 | NaT | 0 | 0 | 34 | 0 | 4 | 0 | 10 |
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| 993 | AITA I offended my sisters while explaining why I didn't want children | I (28f), have 4 siblings, one of them being disabled. The other three have kids, this post is about A(35F) and B(32F), A have 4 kids (17F, 15M, 14M, 9F), the younger 3 have severe physical and mental disabilities. B have 3 (12M, 7M, 2F), the oldest and middle have the same disabilities as my older sister's children, and the younger have down syndrome. They are both SAHM, all the children are in the disability programs my country offers but there is not much money left, after all the medical bills of therapy and meds they need. Their husband's have ok jobs, but with the severity of the children's disabilities it is hard to go by. \n\nOn the other hand, I am single, child-free by choice, went to university, totally debt free, have a masters, and work from home in my dream field. Last month I bought my first house.\n\nI invited my family and friends for a house warming this Saturday. I paid for two caretakers to care for their children so they could come. Everything was fine and fun. Until the end of the night, my friends had already gone home, and it was the three of us. They started to talk about me setting down, marrying, and having kids, since I bought a house. I remembered that I didn't want kids. This talk circulated several times. Until they asked me why foi the tenth time. I told them, besides really not wanting to have a child, I love my freedom, I love the life that I already have. Thinking about our family DNA, that is a high chance of having a disabled child, that means more work and sacrificing, I don't want to sacrifice myself. I want to have money for hobbies, to take care of myself, for expensive clothes and hairdressers, to travel, to live and not just survive. I love them, they're great mom's but I don't want to make the sacrifices to be the same, I would be an awful and spiteful mom, and no one deserves that.\n\nFrom everything I said, the only thing they listened to was about not wanting a disabled child. They went on a spiral about how much of a blessing their kids are, how I am an egotistical bitch, and so much more. They blocked me on social media, and aren't answering me in the family group chat. My mom called to give me a speech about how my disabled brother (36M)was a blessing in her life, how he is a gift from God, and uninvited me from christmas because my sisters won't come if I come. I called my brother (39), his two children are adopted. He admitted a long time ago this was due to the high chance of disability in our family. He told me my delivery is rude, but they also suck, they should know not everyone wants kids. He encouraged me to apologize because I know how they are. \n | Not the A-hole | [NTA. \n\nHonestly, I worked with Special Needs kids for over a decade. And there is a MASSIVE difference between a child born with a disability as a surprise and DECIDING to bring a child that you KNOW will suffer into the world if there’s family history. \n\nNot all disability is the same. Not all of them can have a quality of life. Some absolutely SUFFER until they pass. And KNOWINGLY doing that to your child for your own desires is selfish as fuck! \n\nYou have the awareness to know you’re not cut out for it. Good for you. Because not everyone is. They willingly decided to live that life and you willingly decided against it. That’s your right. \n\nNTA, NTA,\n\nI'm disabled myself.\n\nHonestly it sounds more like your sisters want you to make the same decision in order to validate their decisions, which is a very human thing but not really fair to you. You aren't them, they might love having kids and want more and that is valid regardless of what anyone else does or does not want.\n\nAlso they are possibly taking out their own struggles with resenting the difficulties on you (No matter how much of a blessing children are, even people who wanted them and who had able bodied kids have moments when they just plain regret having them, it would be much healthier if people admitted and processed this)\n\nNot wanting kids is a valid choice, not wanting them because there is a high risk of disability which means inevitable struggles, plus could be incredibly unfair to the child is also valid. A lot of people fuss about how not wanting a disabled child is ablist without addressing that the chief reason is we live in an ablist society that begrudges even basic rights for disabled children and adults.\n\nYour sisters need to process their own internal worlds and reconcile the fact that not everyone wants what they want, their decisions are valid regardless of other people, that it's okay to not always be happy about the outcomes of decisions we made. That they can love their kids and still be mad that it's such a struggle and so difficult sometimes., NTA. and especially not the asshole for recognizing that the probability of you having disabled kids is high and that you’re not the person to that. People fail to realize that you sacrifice a lot already having children and while some people are okay with that some aren’t. You aren’t wrong at all, most people have kids without even considering their genetic markers which I think is really cruel. Also if they’re upset then that’s their problem, you might have delivered wrong but it sounds like they heard that they wanted too so I personally wouldn’t apologize., NTA. You don’t owe anyone an explanation why you don’t want children., NTA. Your delivery didn’t “suck”- your siblings had 9 other chances that DAY to say ok and back off. I mean I would have brought out the brutal honesty after the third time. \n\nYou know your limits. You know your family history. It isn’t ableist to say that. The most loving, unselfish thing you can do is know that you’re not cut out for the genetic risks in your family if you have kids and choose not to have children., NTA. I have a disabled child who is medically complex and another child with autoimmune disease and neurodivergence. I love my children deeply and I don’t regret them. That being said life is really freaking hard, money is tight, and my own health issues take a backseat to their care. It is a huge strain on my marriage and thankfully I married a good man because most would have already run from our dumpster fire. You have a much higher chance of having a disabled child due to family history. The fact that you know you don’t want that life doesn’t mean you hate disabled people. That’s ridiculous. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with your choice or what you said. They are upset most likely because of their own guilt and possible resentment of their situations. Has your family done any genetic testing?, NTA. People need to learn not to ask questions they might not like the answers to., forcing someone to something they don’t want to and insisting to ask stupid questions and then getting offended. Your sisters are hating their life too thats why they are that much offended. If they were content with their life they would just accept your choice and move on. You don’t owe anyone any apology., NTA.\nI am lucky enough to have 3 healthy children. I have a niece with developmental disabilities, and a nephew with Down's Syndrome.\n\nI love them both dearly... but as a parent I know I would not have had the innate patience necessary to be a good mother to a child like that. It's a skill I would have had to learn, and there's something wrong with "using" a child in that manner to learn a skill I know I don't possess. \n\nDeciding to not take the risk is smart, especially if you know you'd be spiteful due to the potential circumstances. \n\nKnowing your limitations does not make you a "bad person"., Misery loves company. People want others either to be in the same predicament or worse off than them. "Why should he/she be able to travel when we can't, the selfish bastard!!" \nYou choose the lifestyle that makes you comfortable not someone else., NTA Don't apologize. How f--ing selfish are they that they think you should have kids KNOWING there is a high propability for disability? Sometimes life dictates a child with Down's, I get that. It can be outof the blue and thats ok, but if you know your DNA is faulty, it is completely selfish to have children.\n\nI say this as a childless woman who chose to be so because Muscular Dystrophy runs in my hub's family and heart/liver issues run in mine. Plus, due to rare issues in my DNA I have like a 40% at getting cancer in my life. It is genetic. I would never willingly subject an innocent child to that life, its heartless.\n\nSo, your sisters are selfish and backward. Success at life is by your definition, if you're happy then that is all that matters and your Mom is a jerk for taking their side., A beautiful old-fashioned Italian mama once told me I had to have a child. When I asked her why she looked shocked, genuinely surprised. She hemmed and hawed, and finally stammered \n“Because the rest of us had to.”\n\nYeah, that’s not gonna happen. , NTA\nyou don’g owe anyone an explanation why you don’t want to have children. It’s on them that they pushed you to answer this question and it’s on them for not liking it., T.w abuse\n\nNTA. A lot of people want kids, but never think about the possibility of the kid being disabled and them having to support them as a caretaker to some degree. We'd have significantly less abused and murdered disabled kids (and people in general) if more people took the time to consider if they'd be capable of caring for a disabled child. \n\nBetween my girlfriend and I, it seems like it'd be damn near impossible for us to birth a child that isn't autistic and/or has ADHD. I know I would struggle to take care of my own needs on top of the needs of a neurodivergent child at the same time without burning myself into the ground. It's one of the reasons I've chosen to be CF, I don't want to subject an innocent child to having a mom who can't be the kind of mom they need, or put my girlfriend in a position where she has to take on the majority of child care either., I hate that fucking statement.\n\n“You know how they are”. Always means excuse them for being assholes., NTA - first up - people with kids can be so self righteous in believing that life is about becoming a parent. You don't have to explain why you don't want kids to anyone.\n\nYour family knows your stand but still feel they need to meddle so to me they deserve the reply they got - poor delivery or not.\n\nAlso, I genuinely belive they see it as judgment. They know what they risked in having children but they still did it. When the intitial kid or kids showed the disabilities, they still kept on having kids.\n\nSo when you say you won't - which I personally belive to be very responsible - they take it very negatively.\n\nHowever, I have no compassion because if they just minded their business to begin with you wouldn't have needed to explain your view., NTA\n\n"They went on a spiral about how much of a blessing their kids are..."\n\n"My mom called to give me a speech about how my disabled brother (36M)was a blessing in her life, how he is a gift from God..."\n\nThose are things that people in that situation tell themselves to cope with their lives.\n\nAs other's have said, this is on them for pressing you about why you don't want children., NTA. I’m disabled and that’s why I’m not having kids. I’m 19, still a teenager, and in extreme pain every. single. day. I mean like 7 is a good day for me. A seven out of 10 on the pain scale is a good day. For most people they’d be crying and calling an ambulance. For me that’s just a Tuesday. It sucks. This isn’t even touching on all the trauma that comes with that. Such as the hospital stays, the needles, the condescending doctors, the bad nurses, and much much more. It’s not fun. The world is not accepting to disabled people. Let alone disabled teenagers. I mean, God, the disabled pride flag is black at parts to represent the amount of disabled people who were murdered by doctors and caretakers and family members and more. And you can guess what demographics get abused the most. Why would you want to risk that? NTA.\n\n\nPS. Show my comment to your sisters and mom. \nJust because you have disabled kids does not mean you know everything about disability and disabled people. That’s glaringly obvious. And frankly, it’s kind of pathetic that you don’t know anything about your children’s community. Trust me the ones who can figure that out, will really truly resent you for that. And you will deserve it. The disabled community is gave your children the right to exist and not be ripped from your arms. And if you listened to us, you were hear that sentiment across-the-board. That the risk of severe disabilities in a world that wants us gone, is not a good one to take., They shouldn't ask the question if they can't handle the answer., My mother a d her sister had abreast cancer in their 60's. I had mine when I was 38. We all had our genetic test done and are predisposed to some hard to prevent cancer. If I had any thoughts about getting pregnant, it was gone immediately when my mother's genetic test results came back 7 years ago. When my cousin's asked (son of my mom's cancer survivor sister) I said I don't want to progress this gene any more. They both have kids, daughters and may or may not have the cancer gene. They got real offended on my words. I managed to change the topic after that. I don't judge them for what they decide to do. And I cannot allow them to judge me for my reasoning., NTA. Not everyone has what it takes to be a parent especially to a disabled child. If anything, it is very responsible and intelligent for you to have this much self awareness and forethought to understand that you may not be the best parent. Your siblings are simply taking this too personally. Just because you would not want to be in their situation does not mean you don't love them or their families. What's good and works for some people is just not for everyone, NTA. It’s typically very hard to answer the “why don’t you want kids” question without parents somehow taking it the wrong way. You have my sympathy., NTA. You don't owe anyone an explanation. They feel attacked because they HAVE fantasized about a life without disabled children and that makes them feel guilty. They are the ones who need to think and address why they feel that way., NTA. I wouldn't have had any children if I had known the stuff I passed down., NTA - this runs in your family and honestly it’s selfish of your sisters to keep having kids knowing this was a possible result., NTA.\n\nI am physically disabled and have a mentally disabled sister. Every one of us siblings decided independently that we won't give our shitty genes to the next generation. Our middle sister (the only one without severe disability) only tried for children after making a DNA analysis with her husband to determine the likelihood of disability.\n\nWhat is telling is that your sisters said how the children are a blessing to them. This is very common savior complex with a bit of Munchhausen by proxy. It is not about how shitty the life of the kids are, how it will affect their entire being, but it is how it makes them, how it defines them. The reality is, caring for disabled kids like that while they are children and teens is difficult, but you are still young and they are still cute. Wait until they are 40, and you're 85. At that point, anger is the natural reaction, or you have rid yourself of the disabled children and sent them to a place they are hopefully not abused.\n\nIt is one thing if your child becomes unexpected disabled, but creating life knowing that the child will suffer is simply vanity., NTA you didn't want to explained but they pushed.\n\n**Don't ask the question if you don't want to hear the answer.**, NTA more people need to realize when they wouldn't be good parents and acknowledge their own faults.\n\nIt's not even about the disabilities in that matter, you know you'd be a spiteful parent. Children of any non disabled or disabled status do not deserve parents who resent them.\n\nI won't ever have children because I am fully aware I can't even take care of myself. \n\nYou're a better person just for acknowledging your lack of parenting skills and not putting a child through the trauma of bad parents. Plus, as someone who isn't physically disabled but has a really fucked mess of mental illnesses, it's very valid to not want a child to go through any kind of disabled life. \n\nYour siblings are whining because they want you to suffer with them. They want you to validate their choices and pull you into what they're going through instead of letting you live your life.\n\nThis isn't really their fault either, society has taught us our only real job is to make babies and keep the population growing. Marriage and children are the platforms they base their lives on.\n\nDon't let them get to you., Is it altruistic to continue having children knowing they have a high likelihood of being disabled and knowing you will have to rely on public assistance to care for them? The sisters think OP is selfish for not wanting to go down that path, but who's more selfish here? I understand the sisters are offended, but is OP (or her brother) wrong? NTA, NTA. Some parents of children with disabilities are so hypocritical, they love their children the way they are which is fine because they DECIDED to have them, but they know in the bottom of their hearts that if they could choose between having a healthy child or having a child with a disability, they would choose 100% the healthy child, but if they accepted that out loud, their mask of morality and of being people who were "blessed by god for sending them that little angel" would fall off. , "Gift from God" God looked at your family tree and said F these people in particular., NTA. Don't apologize. Your sisters should ask questions if they don't want the answers., I have bipolar and chose not to have kids because why would I want to pass this on to a child. I also I would be a shit parent. Yet, I have heard the same bs about having kids. I am sorry if I offend anyone but to my logic it is crazy to encourage a mental ill person to have kids. Yet I hear it all the time. I am 68f and I never had kids and have no regrets about this., NTA. They are envious and want you to suffer with them., NTA.\n\nYou're being logical, and people sometimes see that as selfishness.\n\nLive your life the way you want to., You can apologise for whatever possibly clumsy phrasing you may (or may not!) have used that might have implied that there was something wrong with your brother or their children without apologising for not wanting kids of your own. Perhaps there's a way through there that can repair family bonds without having to stand down or appear to change your opinion on it. Either way, NTA, but just a thought., NTA The only mistake you made was giving them any sort of justification for your choice whatsoever, No matter what you said it would never have been good enough (because they want you in the same boat as them, whether that's with disabled children or whatever, as long as you have kids). In hindsight, it would have been better to have just kept it simple as in you're not having kids and that's that -- you don't owe them any sort of explanation and won't be drawn into giving one.\n\n>I told them, besides really not wanting to have a child, I love my freedom, I love the life that I already have. Thinking about our family DNA, that is a high chance of having a disabled child, that means more work and sacrificing, I don't want to sacrifice myself.\n\nThere was nothing wrong with this. *You* don't want to have to sacrifice the life you have. You are not commenting on their choices or the worth of their children -- but they don't want to hear that -- the only acceptable answer for them will be you saying you want kids and if they are disabled that will be a blessing. You don't want that life and so you can never make them happy when it comes to this.\n\nWhat's done is done. They are being twisted in insisting on taking it the way they are, but that is wrapped up in their whole insistence on you having children and being "one of us." Hopefully time will heal this, but I would give up on any further attempts at placating them, because it will just lead to them pressuring you again. Show weakness on this issue and they will see it as a foot in the door., Your sisters made incredibly selfish choices to knowingly procreate severe suffering into existence. Now they want you to either share in their misery or paint you into the villain corner because they envy the results you have as a result of the thoughtfulness, drive, and hard work THEY did not do. They sound like complete assholes tbh., NTA \n\nThe forced your hand, then got mad when they didn’t like the answer. \n\nYour family sucks. Go spend the holidays on an awesome vacation and let them suffer together., NTA. They’ve been jealous of your life at a distance without being able to say anything for a long while. That’s why they want you to trade yours in for theirs by making the same choices as them and we’re all so happy to drop you so quickly. I guarantee you they’ve been talking behind your back for a long time., NTA - "I don't want children" should've been enough for them. They kept prodding and prodding until you gave an answer they could be offended by. No sympathy., NTA - People in bad situations often get upset when others choose differently (better) for themselves. Haters gonna hate., **NTA. Were any lies told?** All you said was disabled children are hard work, much harder work than non-disabled children, who are also hard work, which is all true. \n\n\n**If you asked me if I wanted a disabled child, my 'hand-to-God-honest' answer would be 'no' every single time**. To be honest, I don't want a non-disabled child either. I feel like my not wanting them is reason enough. No explanation required. \n\n\n **As far as the 'delivery' of your answer, I imagine being asked the same thing for the 100th time would require a more forceful approach**. Especially, when the answer remains the same. \n\n\n**I don't think they're genuinely curious, I think they ask in the hopes to undermine and make you doubt your decision**. They're hoping to chip away at your resolve. This is not well-intentioned behavior so to that, I say, let them be mad. They're blocking you and acting out because they've frustrated every option in getting you on the side of having children and they've decided to hyper-escalate their response and turn it up several notches. \n\n\n**Also, let's be clear, that in your not wanting children who have a high likelihood of being born disabled, that you're not proposing a Richard Dawkins styled eugenics scheme that sees the world removed of every disabled child and individual in existence**. Your family sure are acting like you are, which is of course, incredibly silly and immature. \n\n\n**It seems as if though your mother and sisters are so 'happy' with their choices, that they need you to make similar choices in order to validate their own**. This in my opinion, falls under the umbrella of 'misery loves company'. If their children are a blessing, then fine. Never mind that pushing you to make a choice you don't want to make, seems central to their believing that, but okay🤷🏾♀️. That's their interpretation of what a blessing is. That doesn't mean it needs to be yours. \n\n\n **This talk of their children being a blessing brings up another interesting point imo**. Alot of the children born into the world are 'cure-alls' for their parents' lack of 'identity'("I was nobody before you were born"), maturity ("Having children really helped me grow up and take responsibility"), selflessness ("Having children makes you less selfish") etc etc and social validation or, a way to distract from their own adult turmoil or a guarantee that they won't be and or die alone. I often wonder if children born for these reasons will see their own lives as a blessing. I suppose it doesn't matter as much as what their parents think. \n\n\n**As far as egotistical...well, selfish is defined is 'actions performed with disregard to others'.** What is your not having children taking away from your sisters and mother? Or the world for that matter? What are you depriving them of by not having your own children? Would your children not ultimately be your responsibility? Don't you deserve a say in that? If not ALL the say in that decision? \n \n **There's a school of thought that seeks to discredit and scold women for living their lives for themselves as opposed to for everyone else**. That's why it matters when women say they don't have a maternal instinct or don't want children. You're only worth something or valued in as far as how you relate to others. Your true worth as a woman is how you're of service to others and not to yourself. You have to wonder if that's why so many women struggle with finding themselves again once they become mothers. Their identities become so easily effaceable.\n\n\n**Finding your purpose in everything and anything other than marriage and children can sometimes feel like a slap in the face of women who at one point or another, maybe regretted their decisions or perhaps, wanted to do and or 'be more'**. I think your sister and mothers might genuinely envy you. \n\n\n**I think they really resent the fact that you chose a life of freedom, on your own terms, untethered by a husband and or children.** Their resenting your choices is strange because if they were truly sated with family life, why would it matter what you did or didn't do? Aren't they happy with their own choices? \n\n\n**I can't see any other reason as to why they'd want to continue to forcibly try to convince you that theirs is a life of endless blessings, so much so to the point that you're barred from christmas**\n😂😂😭 And the fare for being let back into the family fold is offering an apology for expressing your honest opinion and having children you don't want? \n\n\n **I'm sorry but that's completely and utterly daft**. Just monumentally ridiculous. , NTA - caring for a disabled child is more demanding than anyone realises. I have multiple genetic conditions and require various levels of care depending on the day. My mum has had to put her life on pause for me and although I admire her for that, she also deserves to have some freedom. I’m not having children for that reason as I don’t want to burden them with the constant pain I am in and the way doctors treat me. I think your siblings simply heard what they wanted to hear, time to enjoy your freedom., NTA. There are certain disabilities that have genetic hereditary components and in families with those risks we usually can see why someone would choose to avoid those possibilities. It’s extremely difficult to raise children with disabilities and is not something all people are capable of. The fact that they went no contact for you being honest shows they completely lack maturity. Yes, we can find joy in loving and doing the best for our differently abled children but we should also be honest about how overwhelming and isolating it can be and how much of a toll it takes on absolutely everything else in our lives. It’s not wrong to love your children so much that you accept their lives and it’s not wrong to hear someone else say that because of the high likelihood of disabilities they are avoiding having genetic children. You are not wrong. But, they are ah for cutting you off because of your valid feelings., NTA - if parenting isn’t for you, then it isn’t for you, and they have no business pushing you to explain yourself. You’ve made very valid points that they’re ignoring in favor of feeling insulted. This is your life, not theirs., NTA i am fully behind your thinking process., NTA. They chose what was right for their lives, you get to do the same.\n\nBringing a child into the world knowing you couldn’t be the parent they deserve would be wrong, and it’s a shame your sisters can’t see that., NTA. As someone with disabilities one of the reasons i never want kids is because they'll likely have the same disabilities, and I A] have my own shit to deal with and B] don't want anyone to suffer, Disability support worker here, one of my clients is a young child that was perfectly healthy up until he was a tween, and overnight suffered a few seizures in his sleep and was quite literally a different person when the family discovered him the next day. He needs round the clock care and the family struggles a lot now. There are no guarantees with health for any of us, and you're better off putting yourself first. NTA in the slightest., I think they secretly resent you and want you in that boat with them. Jealousy rears its ugly head in all forms., Autism mom here, I have three out of four with severe disabilities. Not only are you correct, I commend you for knowing yourself. All I heard in what you wrote was “I know myself well enough to know I would grow resentful”. That’s so valid, normal and understandable. It’s also better for them even if they can’t see it. You not wanting children allows you to be more available as the awesome aunt. One of my sisters doesn’t have kids and if she did I would likely lose the most important person in my village, when it comes to extra hands to help me.\n\nYou said nothing wrong. They’re just sensitive, it’s understandable, but they are wrong. \n\nAbsolutely NTA, They set you up so they could be judgy and ask for sympathy, NTA for you not wanting children. Having kids isn't for everyone. I would say you could have delivered it better, but it sounds like after constantly being asked, you were very blunt. You didn't owe very much of an explanation. Saying kids aren't for you would have been the best response. You could apologize for hurting their feelings, but you should not apologize for not wanting kids., NTA\n\nYou don’t owe anyone an explanation or an apology. No is a complete sentence. They kept pushing so they can’t get mad or demand apologies when you told the truth., I am so glad you posted this…. I’ve felt like a terrible person sometimes because I have the same reasoning for not wanting kids. I don’t want to give up my life to potentially take care of someone. I know it sounds selfish, but it’s really not., NTA, and getting cut off is probably a blessing in disguise. I’m betting that you are/were their eventual backup plan for taking care of their kids or paying for them one day., Apologize? For what! You told them you don't want kids no matter the reason. This sounds like your sister's issues not yours. NTA, NTA.\n\nDisabled person here. If you know that your family’s genes give your children a very high chance of being disabled, and you don’t want to deal with the major hassle that comes with, that is perfectly understandable and not ableist in the slightest.\n\nAlso, if you don’t want kids to begin with, that’s YOUR decision to make, not theirs. , You said and did nothing wrong. Some people just don’t want the truth no matter how you package it. Your life is your own. Maybe their reaction may stem from their own deep place of self shame where at some point they have had feelings mirroring yours at some point. Who knows? NTA, NTA. They kept pushing and you were honest. I have epilepsy. I was on a medication that could cause severe birth defects. I chose not to risk having a child. I didn’t want to be selfish and have a child with a disability. It wouldn’t have been fair to that child. Your sisters are thinking about themselves. Their children are the ones that have the disabilities. Their children are the ones that suffer every day. It’s one thing if a child is born with a disability by chance. I know someone whose sister had a child with a disability that whose life expectancy was around 18 years old. Her sister found out that she was a carrier of a gene that would be passed down to a daughter or give a son a 50% chance of having the same deadly disease. She decided to risk it and had another child. Thankfully that son didn’t have it. The person that I know decided to not have children when she found out that she too was a carrier of that gene. You have decided to not have children for many reasons. Your family sees this as you not loving their children because they have disabilities. You still love them. You just need to somehow get that across to them., Could you have phrased it better or even not even gone there? Sure. But deciding to not have children is YOUR decision and not theirs to stick their noses into. NTA., NTA… sounds like ur sisters are projecting…, NTA, Definitely NTA! I don’t even think you were rude to speak your mind about not wanting kids and even more so not wanting a child with disabilities. It surely wasn’t your intention to offend. But they’re offended (easier probably because they have high stress). \n\nYour sister and also your mom are overreacting. Give them time to cool down. They need to respect your choice and I think it’s a smart one. I would make the same choice in your shoes., NTA. Why would they encourage you to have a child with a high probability of being disabled? It seems cruel to want to bring someone into this world in that situation.\n\nBut also, and this is the main thing, you don’t want kids.\n\nNot everyone has to have kids. It’s a ton of work, and it’s hard.\n\nI’d have a few replies ready for the next time they hassle you about this, like:\n\n- Who’s going to take care of these children, because it sure as hell isn’t going to be me?!\n\n- A person can’t own a house without having children they don’t want?\n\nHeck, you could even lie and tell them you’re infertile and start to cry and call them cruel for bringing it up.\n\nIt’s none of their business why you don’t want kids, but you don’t, and that’s OK.\n\nWhat’s not OK is them nagging you to have kids when you have clearly told them you don’t want any., NTA, your reasoning is sound and why anyone would risk having a lifetime of responsibility for a disabled child when it is avoidable is beyond me. They see your perfectly logical reasons as calling them idiots for their choices., Their reaction isn’t about you or your decision. I’m sure they face judgment all the time for continuing to have children, or even having children at all, when the chances they would be severely disabled were so high. Maybe they’ve even had the thoughts themselves on those extremely difficult days, only to feel guilty afterward. \n\nI’m sorry they’re taking those insecurities out on you and making you feel as though you’ve done something wrong when you haven’t. You have nothing to apologize for. \n\nNTA., NTA. Not wanting kids is fine and you don’t owe anyone a reason. And knowing yourself and how you know you’d be resentful tells me your decision wasn’t just on the whim. \n\nPlus your older brother saw the pattern and made the choice to simply adopt., NTA. People refuse to have children all of the time because of their unlucky DNA. \n\nIf someone had Huntington’s would you bat an eye if they didn’t have children? No. If someone had cancer (that can be passed down) would you bat an eye if they didn’t have children? No. \n\nWhy should this be any different? You’re making a responsible, levelheaded decision for how YOU want to lead your life. I mean disability is clearly passed down in your family it’s not just like you’re speculating that it MIGHT happen., It's not your fault your sister got offended., NTA\n\nI'm a mom, I love and wanted my children with every fibre of my being. If that's not the case for someone, then the last thing they should do is have children. If people can't accept a straight no as an answer and keep digging, it's on them that they got upset at your truth., NTA I'm disabled myself, I'm the oldest neither of my siblings have lifelong health issues. I can't even calculate how much my medical bills were before the age of eighteen. I had trouble making friends when I was a kid, because the other kids don't understand why you can't do whatever or why you are absent a lot. There were times when my siblings had to help because i would lose the ability to stand. Also you dont owe anyone an explanation if you want to get married you don't need to have children. All the parents i know are beyond stressed and have no money., NTA.\n\nI have gone back and forth on whether I want kids because of what they could inherit genetically from me. \n\nYou probably could have stopped after "I love my life as is," however, if they continued to pry then your answer was justified, well thought out, and understandable.\n\nYou never insulted *their* decision to have kids. You never insulted *their* parenting (even calling them great moms). You keep the focus on how *you* would be a resentful and poor mother which would not be fair to a child - which is correct. \n\nPart of them probably feels resentment towards you because they too, did not envision their life being this way when they envisioned playing house.\n\nThey can mourn the lives they had envisioned and unconditionally love and support their children. But, a lot of people have difficulty reconciling these two emotions (which is also valid). \n\nI dont think you are an AH, and an apology may be the wrong word for it - but a conversation to create clarity is definitely needed for you and your family to move forward., NTA\n\n\nYou weren't rude and their reaction to you is based on the fact that they'll never enjoy your lifestyle. And if I were in your place I would choose the same, as I think that knowingly having a child with a disability, is not the same as accepting a child with an unexpected disability. Point is, if know there's a high probability and odds to have a child with disabilities that are too great to function in society and for them to depend on me and others forever for survival, then no, I rather not have a child. I understand your point very well, and I agree with your decision. I believe they're offended bec misery loves company and you told them the truth they know in their hearts. And perhaps they resent your lifestyle and success and they don't want you to enjoy your life, bec they're not enjoying theirs, and worse they know they never will.\n\n\nGood luck with them and remember is their bitterness eating them from the inside, NTA With their disabilities, and children with disabilities, I understand that it’s a hard thing for them to hear. But it’s their own fault for harping harping harping on you. I wouldn’t apologize., NTA. I agree with your brother, your delivery was horrible and insensitive but completely valid. \nThe freedom part and wanting money for hobbies was totally unnecessary, however at some point they’re have only themselves to blame for. After A had two children with disabilities, she still went into have two more which should be considered unethical. B got to witness A’s two children before deciding to have one of her own, and again got to witness A’s third before deciding to have her second. Both brought this upon themselves, they’re just mad you aren’t choosing the same path., Your family needs therapy. NTA, Having a child on purpose knowing there is a high chance of severe disability is selfish AF. Stay strong OP you did nothing wrong. Your sisters already knew this before they asked you. They want you to live their lives and you already aren’t. Again- stay strong., NTA\n\nAnd this is a big question I have concerning all these blessings: will A's oldest be obligated to carry the burdens of his parents' blessings after the parents die?, NTA. \n\nMy parents are disabled and passed it down to me and I resent them everyday for it. \n\nAnyone who knows they have disabilities that run in the family and choose to succumb their children to it are the most selfish people of all. They should never have children and I will die on this hill., So NTA. My twin had a severe form of FSDH. And spent the last 13 years of her life on a vent. She had been in a wheelchair since we were 13. Between that and my own health problems When I was little. No kids seemed like a good idea., Maybe your brother is right, possibly your delivery did suck. Anybody knowingly has a child with a high probability of mental and physical disabilities is abuse. Who’s gonna take care of them once the parents are gone? Does your country provide homes for them once the rest of your family is gone? Are you going to be responsible for them? Their healthy siblings going to be responsible for them? It was irresponsible of them not to adopt if they wanted children. Your brother is smart that he wanted children so he adopted them.\nYou may want to think about how your delivery was about this conversation. If you don’t think you were rude, then I wouldn’t apologize. If you think you came off as rude, maybe I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Kind of an apology not really sorry though because you don’t want children., NTA. They're jealous., NTA! Absolutely do not apologize!! I hate how other people act when you tell them you don't want children!! It's a personal choice and eveyone is different. My oldest(34) doesn't want children. It's her life. Not mine. They need to grow up., NTA. They're mad because you went into the depths of why and spoke your mind. And I honestly don't feel like the way you said it was wrong. You've watched multiple family members struggle and lose their identity. It's only fair that you don't want the same for yourself or a child., There is nothing to apologize about. NTA. Just as they had choices, so do you. You don’t owe anyone an explanation or an apology. Good they are happy with their choices now they need to let you be happy with yours. They are probably wanting to see you lose that freedom that you so much enjoy (that they are probably envious of) so you can all be in the same boat. **Live YOUR Life For You as You See Fit.** We are all on individual journeys. Enjoy your’s., NTA\n\nAs a parent, I understand why some people choose to be child-free. I respect that and (as strange as it might sound) sometimes I even feel a bit jealous. \n\nIf my family, especially close relatives, had kids with disabilities (so many kids!), I wouldn’t want to take that risk either. It’s not the end of the world, but being a mom to a healthy child is already demanding—let alone caring for a child with a disability, or even three children with disabilities!\n\nOP, your family is being irresponsible and selfish. Don’t let them bring you down., NTA. Not wanting to bring more disabled children into a world that is increasingly less hospitable to them does not make you a bad person. Let’s face it, the wellbeing of their children relies entirely on the health of the economy and on the ability for the state to subsidize them. There is just so much uncertainty on what their futures will bring and they aren’t wealthy enough to ensure adequate care. That would literally keep me up at night., Definitely NTA. I totally understand not *wanting* to have a child with a disability. Of course your sisters and mother love their disabled children. If one of my children had been born with a disability, I'm 100% sure that I would love them unconditionally. But I wouldn't **choose** it. The real question becomes what happens to those children when the parents die? (The majority of children outlive their parents.) Do they get institutionalized?, NTA- I love my son, but I have never seen it as a “blessing” to have a disable son. I will never be an empty nester and I pray every night that I out live my son so he doesn’t have to depend on the people who have promised to fill my shoes or have the state take care of him., It sounds as if you actually went out of your way to tell them they are good moms and they’re still mad?? NTA\n\nThat said, if it is important to maintain contact, you will have to apologize. It should be something simple like “I’m sorry my words hurt you.” Be careful not to add any “buts” or anything that could be misconstrued as an excuse. This will be tricky, because they may come at you again with all the reasons you should have a family, but your sincere apology for hurting their feelings in no way means you need to change your mind. \n\nhttps://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/the-art-of-a-heartfelt-apology-2021041322366, I’m disabled by a genetic illness. I decided to adopt rather than have biological children as I didn’t want to pass on the condition. I also knew I wouldn’t be able to care for a physically disabled child given my own restrictions., NTA I used to work with profoundly disabled children and saw that mindset sometimes in the parents — anyone who didn’t want what they had were basically monsters instead of them understanding that choosing a different path isn’t a criticism of that parent’s path.\n\nI notice such types often center their own wants and blessings and don’t talk about any suffering that the kids might experience. Some disabilities don’t cause ongoing suffering and the people who have them can still enjoy life. Some diagnoses result in chronic pan, require ongoing surgeries, etc. Choosing to become a parent means gambling with one’s life and a future person’s life. Anyone who isn’t willing to take on any hand that nature deals a child shouldn’t be a parent. Disability isn’t some rare thing. It’s great that the parents in your post love what they have, but not everyone has the desire, time, physical capability, emotional bandwidth, or bank account to take that on., NTA. I have special needs children. I personally would do it all over again. I've always wanted to be a mom, though. I hope I get to be a grandmother someday. However, I have a daughter who absolutely does not want kids. That's okay. If all 3 of my kids can't or won't have kids, that's their decision, not mine. Especially if they are worried that they'll end up with a special needs child. If you are on the fence about having a child anyway, you should refrain from having a child. You should go into it knowing full well of everything you're going to sacrifice, and most of the time, there will be no acknowledgment or gratitude. Which is fine for me because I knew this going in. I live for the days when I get to spoil my children. If you aren't sure you want to do this, maybe parenthood is not for you., Actually it's none of their business and that is all you had to tell them,, Go away for Xmas on a nice childfree exotic vacation. That’s what we do!, Stick to your guns sister. Children are a blessing, but if they're that disabled, and it runs in the family, then don't. They cannot fully enjoy the life should be for them so enjoy your life for them. Live the life you want. Don't let them get to you., "I told them, besides really not wanting to have a child, I love my freedom, I love the life that I already have." You should have stopped there, or just not given an answer.\n\nThey also shouldn't have pressured you into an answer.\n\nSo, generally, I'm with your brother, but I'm not sure if this is something you can easily apologize away. That can be a suuuuuuuuuper sensitive point with parents of children with disabilities.\n\nI don't think you're an AH but mentioning the disability reason wasn't wise., NTA your sisters are irresponsibles. They are jealous of your life and want you to make the same mistakes so they feel less like the s**t they are. You should cut them of your life. These people can't feel happy if someone is doing better than them, ...] | 2132 | 21553 | 0.97 | /r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1ge1rsb/aita_i_offended_my_sisters_while_explaining_why_i/ | 2024-10-28 08:16:18 | NaT | 0 | 0 | 143 | 0 | 0 | 1 | 0 |
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| 994 | AITA for reminding my mom that she disappeared for six years? | My(18) mom and dad divorced six years ago. Her new husband didn’t want her to see my dad and so she let my dad have custody of me and didn’t exercise visitation.\n\nShe contacted us last month, saying she had divorced him and would like to reconnect. Dad told me it’s up to me so I said ‘Why not?’ Things have been kind of awkward between us. Obviously I’ve changed a lot since last time she saw me.\n\nWhen she came over yesterday, I was reading An Offer from a Gentleman. My mom said ‘You’re too young to be reading these toxic romance books.’ I just stared at her and said ‘I was 12 when you disappeared six years ago. I’m 18 now.’\n\nShe spluttered for a moment and then told me there is no need to use that word, that she made a mistake and there is no reason to throw it in her face.\n\n | Not the A-hole | [NTA. Did she conveniently forget that you had grown up in those 6 years? Your reply was a perfect lesson in karma :) As for her getting butthurt over "disappeared", you told her nothing but the unvarnished truth. What were you supposed to call her abandoning you? Temporarily unavailable?, NTA. She does not get to pretend like everything is suddenly ok. She has to make amends to you. If it were me, I'd make weekly joint counseling a condition of you having contact with her. You pick the counselor and she pays. You're in the driver's seat on this one.\n\n\n\nI'd also make it very clear that she has lots of work to do before she gets to resume the role of parent., NTA. Accepting any criticism or correction from a parent who has abandoned you from 12 to 18 would be difficult. You've learned to grow up without her and don't need her showing up now trying to mother you. That ship sailed, piloted by her.\n\nThat all said, I'm sure her abandonment hurt you. Maybe you two can build a bridge back to each other but it will take time, time you will need to be convinced you can trust her again. She can't demand anything from you; it will have to be earned for you to believe in her at all again. She proved herself to be a parent you could not rely on. Please know that no child, including you, deserves to be abandoned by a parent. That was HER failing, not yours. Your words to her were accurate and spot on. Sadly, she doesn't sound like someone who has a clue what she did and how wrong and hurtful it was. Likely she will never be the mother you wish for.\n\nAnd, yes, you were a child when she left, and you are now a young adult. She missed that entire transformation., >She spluttered for a moment and then told me there is no need to use that word, that she made a mistake and there is no reason to throw it in her face.\n\nOh, there is sound reason - reality check. What you did - just explained why she is misjudging, which is very nice. I would not be that polite, to be honest., She chose a man over her child for seven years. I’d have thrown a hell of a lot more in her face. NTA, NTA...\n\nThere is a reason to throw it in her face. She clearly over stepped your boundaries because she forgot she is no longer your mom. She may be your mother. You may be working towards her being a mom again, but atm you don't have a mom. She doesn't need to act like one and she isn't owed any respect as one. \n\nRemind her of that and tell her if she wants to work for fogiveness and reconciliation that means accepting that she deserves some reminders of who she is whenever she steps over those boundaries., NTA. She has no business telling you, now an ADULT, what to do. She can play nice or pound sand., She can feel upset about that, but she needs to be upset at herself, not you.\n\nShe has missed a third of your life. You can't ignore that, nor should you have to try.\n\nNTA, Remind her, she didn't make a mistake she made a decision. She chose another man over you, another man who was obviously not worth choosing. She made a bad decision she wants to frame as somehow accidental, when it was completely intentional and could have been undone anytime over a 6-year period. That's on her, it's not a mistake, it's an intentional course of action and she needs to own that and stop trying to minimize it.\n\nI'm also curious, and maybe your parents didn't even tell you, but did she leave you for the man she married? It sounds like she got married pretty quickly after your parents got separated and divorced. Did she literally put her affair as priority over you and her family? Again, a choice, not a mistake. 2 + 2 = 5 is a mistake. A strange penis ended up in my vagina is not a mistake. I didn't speak to my child for 6 years is not a mistake. Whether she did it before or after the divorce, she made her new partner of the priority over you, her flesh and blood child. Those are choices. Whether she made one or both, whatever she did it was a choice not a mistake., NTA\n\n> there is no reason to throw it in her face\n\n*Sure* there is., NTA. You might ask what word your mom would prefer that you use to describe her vanishing from your life for 6 years and returning only now that you're of legal age.\n\nBut I think you've just figured out "why not?". Your mom is trying to slide right into a "mom" role where she judges on your activities or even tries to restrict them. You and your dad have moved on.\n\nYou might try telling her, "Mom, I'm willing to try to reconnect. To me, that means meeting up with you, for me to learn about who you are, likes and dislikes, interests and for you to learn what the same about me. But it's not going to work if you try to parent me or judge my interests. Do you think we can meet up and stay away from that, or will it be too difficult for you to avoid trying to slide into a "mom" role towards me?"\n\nThe bit about "new husband didn't want to see your dad" as an excuse for not exercising visitation is completely bogus, of course. There are a number of ways to handle transfer of custody of a 12 year old without having the new husband see the father., Guess the truth hurts., If she didn’t want it thrown in her face, maybe she could have, oh I don’t know, been a parent instead of choosing her a-hole partner? Just a thought.\n\nOh and NTA. She doesn’t get to disappear and pretend like she’s some kind of parent, NTA, oh well, you can deal with sadness for almost seven years but she can't handle 10 seconds of truth... interesting. She only came to you because she was dumped and is now alone. If her and the husband were together, you wouldn't hear anything from her for the next 40 years. I don't believe in second chances when you're the last resource. She's not regretful, she's just lonely. \nI would cut contact., Definitely NTA. She lost her right to parent you, let alone judge you, when she chose her ex over you. You, however, had every right to slap that in her face., NTA. " OK. You ABANDONED me for 6 years, is that better?", Nta you were a child. She made a choice and choices have repercussions, she should pretend to be old enough to understand how that works. Or disappear. She’s good at that., NTA. She didn’t make a mistake, she made a choice. A choice to cut her own child out of her life for six years., NTA. Damn, OP. Most people don't lead with the nuclear weapon. Once your mom is done getting treated for that burn, maybe she'll realize trying to act like your mother is something she'll have to build to., Bwaaahahaha what right does she think she has to tell you ANYTHING? You’re 18 and she LEFT. That means she has no rights. I’m petty. I’d start mentioning it every time she came around. You are NTA., She abandoned you because her new husband told her he doesn't want her to see your dad? Wow, mothers don't abandon their child for their lover., NTA fuck her, NTA - read what you want, she might be your Mother but she gave up being your mom when she left and actively chose to not visit. However, you should absolutely hear her out for a little bit, but keep her at arms length and make sure she knows that she has to earn your trust back., I once used sugar instead of salt when cooking. That was a mistake. Abandoning her kid for 6 years is a decision she made every day for 6 years. Throw it in her face, frame it on a wall, embroider it to a pillow. She doesn't get to act hurt. NTA., NTA\n\nHas she actually had a conversation with you as to the harm she caused by abandoning you?\n\nDoes she take any responsibility for her actions?\n\nI’d be afraid that she’ll do it again as soon as she finds a new man., NTA Seems worth it to explain she can’t possible expect to pretend that the past hasn’t happened., NTA. The nerve she has of trying to 1) parent you at all after disappearing, and 2) treating you as a child when you’re a young adult now, definitely warranted that blunt response. Good on you for nipping that in the bud., NTA And I'd repeatedly bring it up at every opportunity. Plus not only did she abandon you for 6 years, she chose her new partner over you. She could have stayed in touch with you without seeing your dad - but she chose the "rules" set by her partner to abandon her own child.\n\n"So want the Cliff Notes version of the last 6 years of my life? Want to know every key moment in your childs life that you missed because you chose to not be there for your own child because a man told you not to be there? Or was that your own choice to abandon me?", NTA, \n\nMake what memories you can, but please don't get your hopes up that your mother will be in your life because if she meets some guy, she may disappear again.\n\nUse all the words: disappeared, abandoned, neglectful. Tell her she might become a friend but she forfeited any rights to discuss your choices and behavior., NTA. What word? Disappeared? Does she want you to lie, now???, NTA. Seriously your Mom sucks. You should ghost her., Is she kidding, that’s your get out of jail free card., NTA. Good job you! Your mom did the crime, now she’s gotta do the time., NTA\n\nuse what word exactly? disappeared? but she did so..., She chose a man over her child, for 6 years. She gave up being a mother, she didn’t raise you, your dad did. It wasn’t accidental, it was an intentional choice by her. Truth hurts. She has zero idea of the person you became during those years, and has zero business telling you what can and cannot read. NTA, NTA \n\nUnfortunately, family members like your mother and one's like mine (30F), who were abusive to me growing up, always remember you as that "helpless child." However, when you show them that you're not that same child, better yet, not child anymore, they get so damn offended., She didn’t make a mistake, she made hundreds of mistakes. Every week she didn’t call, every holiday she missed, every milestone she ignored., I'd ask her what mistake she was talking about, abandoning you in the first place, or the 2000+ days she had to try and make things right. She only wants her old family back because the new one didn't work out for her. She gave up her legal parental rights when you were 12, you are an adult now and as such even your father has no legal right to control you or your choices, let alone a stranger in your own home., …. Abandoning your child is called a mistake now is it? \nNTA. You can say things like that if you want. She’s the one who has ground to make up. Not you., NTA but sounds like you both need to have some serious conversations around her leaving and limits now if this relationship is going to have a chance. I can’t tell if she actually apologized and acknowledged the loss of trust and work she is going to have to do to reconcile. Based on your description it sounds like she thinks she can just show up and that’s enough and it is absolutely NOT enough. Also she needs to know if you want her opinion on anything then you will seek it but you are NOT looking to her as a parental authority figure right now. You are solely looking to see if you can start rebuilding a relationship and her immediately overstepping is not a good sign this is going to work out. Best wishes for you., NTA\n\nWhat word was it she disliked? "Disappeared?" Well, sometimes the truth hurts. \n\nWhen she disappeared, it must have hurt very much. For her to now come back into your life, expecting to be a mother to you when you have pretty much already grown up without her help is probably asking too much of you and would be for most other people, too. \n\nIf the shoes pinch, she doesn't have to wear them. She left. Now she's back and surely she can't really expect you to still be 12 years old. \n\nA "mistake" would be doing something like going away for a weekend without you at that time; this was much more than a simple "mistake." She left, totally and completely, for six years. People don't leave for six years "by mistake." Sorry, I know this must also hurt you to hear. \n\nI hope you can reconnect with your mother, but she will obviously have some travelling to do if she wants to keep up with you at this late date., NTA. If she says that she made a mistake again reply, "No, you made a choice. Now that you realize you chose wrong you're calling it a mistake. You didn't consider it a mistake until he divorced you.", NTA your egg donor made a choice it was no mistake and she is only reaching because she got dumped. \n\nOp please guard your heart and tread lightly because she has not processed the cruelty oh her actions and does not seem to get it and maybe she never will and you do not deserve to be re traumatized again by her., NTA. As someone whose mom left her at age 10 and didn’t reconnect until 8 years later. They don’t get it that we are not same child they left behind. We are adults and don’t need that type of parenting. She needs to establish a new type of parental relationship with you. It has to be based on mutual respect and trust. She needs to realize the hurt she caused and you should be cautious. She left you once for a guy. How do you know she won’t do it again., Oh there’s every reason to throw that in her face - every single day that she remains unrepentant for abandoning you for some bloke., NTA\n\nThat book is tame compared to the toxicity of a parent abandoning their child so they can enjoy the horizontal tango and only returning when that relationship ends., NTA. You spoke facts, and she is crumbling under the weight of her own guilt. Good. She should., Maybe she needs to learn the difference between a mistake and a choice she made every fucking day over 6 years., NTA- she gave up the right to parent you years ago, NTA might be time for you to sit her down and give her a reality check on what bailing on parenthood at that age means in terms of authority over you and any credibility her life choices have as objective lessons to you… might be cold but your 18 and you might as well speak as 2 adults going forward., NTA! I love a great come back. A+, I can't imagine the difficulty in trying to establish a relationship with her at this point. Good for you for trying. If she wants to be a mom, then she needs to act like one (meaning have a conversation with you when things like this come up, and not get defensive). NTA, Every reason in the world to throw it in her face! She can’t just check out and do her thing for 1/3 of your life and just expect to pick up where she left off., NTA. if she can't accept facts as it is, she can disappear again. it's not as if she was there when you were growing up., I'm impressed that she started with criticism and being offended instead of trying to rebuild relationship and trust. NTA, NTA.\n\nIt sounds like she would have been fine never seeing you again had her second marriage worked out. Proceed with caution for your emotional well being., NTA - Nope, she chose dick over being a mom. She doesn't get to pretend that didn't happen. \n\nNext time, I'd say you stopped being my mom when you left, I'd like a relationship, but mom is off the table right now., Leaving your kids is not a mistake, it’s a life-changing decision, consciously well- made, "Knock Knock".\n\n"Whose there?"\n\n"It's the consequences of your actions. And I forgot to bring the lube."\n\nNTA., What does she know about non-toxic romance anyway? She's been divorced twice... 🫢, She didn’t make a mistake, she willingly chose her new husband over being a mother. NTA., If your mother doesn't like the word 'disappeared', ask her if she'd prefer: abandoned, left, disowned, ghosted, ignored etc, Use what word? "Disappeared"? In my opinion what you said was the kindest way you could have said it. You could have said "Oh....you mean the kind of toxic relationship where a man influences you to abandon your children? ....because this book doesn't have that in it so I think I'm good." I think what you said was perfectly fine. She can't just pop in after 6 years and start parenting you., NTA truth hurts., > she made a mistake and there is no reason to throw it in her face.\n\nA mistake is made once, she kept making that mistake every day for six years, every day of those years. That's 365 days times 6. That's roughly 2191 mistakes she made, in a row. \n\nMaybe 2191 mistakes can be thrown in her face. I mean, the only reason it wasn't more, is because she divorced the guy. So she'd like to pick the spare child back up, that she left laying around for when had nothing better to do.\n\nI'd say she'd better put A LOT of effort in apologizing, making it up to you, and showing you she actually grew up too., NTA... And you mum didn't make "one little mistake." \n\nShe made a mistake every day, 2,190 mistakes total when she rejected visitation., btw An Offer from a Gentleman is a totally normal book. But your mom did not "made a mistake" she made an active choice and stuck to it for 6 years. I would totally respect if you did not even be in contact with her at all, she should be grateful that you are even giving it a change. NTA, [deleted], NTA. She ignored you for 6 years, and the first time you met in person, instead of apologizing, she's trying to control you!? You were actually far gentler than she deserved. You'd have been fully justified to tell her strongly to go away, and it looks like 6 years of no contact were not long enough., “Sorry mom, dad didn’t have me frozen so I could be forever 12 until you decided to return.”\n\nAs much as I love JQ and read all her books when they were first published, parts didn’t age well., NTA but she didn’t disappear. \n\nShe abandoned you. She made a deliberate decision - not just once for but six years - to ignore her child. \n\nYou were very polite given the circumstances., NTA. "Brenda (whatever her first name is) you stopped being my parent when you disappeared 6 years ago. You opted to put your new husband above your child. You don't get to act like that never happened or like you're still a parent. I may allow you to be in my life if you act accordingly. Keep overstepping and the odds of you being allowed to remain in my life decreases.", NTA. She voluntarily missed some crucial formative years because she allowed herself to be controlled by another asshole. She chose her husband over you. Totally unacceptable Mothering. Things are going to take a long time to be next to normal, and she needs to be reminded *frequently* about this until she acknowledges her error.\n\nYou might consider joint counseling; I hope she will go with you.\n\nMy family history has a similar situation, and the relationship is strained because of it. At that time, counseling was not available., NTA - She abrogated her parental rights, she doesn't get to parent any more., NTA. "Sorry if that triggers you. Abandoned? Betrayed? Neglected? Ignored me? Let's face it, the only reason you're back is because he divorced you, and he's the man you chose over your own child. You're lucky we're talking at all, you've made some truly awful decisions and I'm not going to sugar coat them for your internal delusions." \n\nAlso OP if she gets a bit much at any point suggest a break for a while. Six years or so should do. \n\nPrioritise yourself over this woman, always, she's proven she won't put you first., NTA.\n\nYou shouldn't really even try with her. It's not worth your mental peace., I'm so sorry, but this woman abandoned you. She chose to give up her child to appeal to a man. This is not a "mistake" but a despicable decision. And it's a decision she made every single day for six years.\n\nWhat you said to her was mild and truthful. Her trying to downplay her abandonment shows that she has little insight into the enormity of her actions.\n\nYou owe her nothing. You get to throw anything you like in her face without guilt or recrimination.\n\nThis is not a trustworthy person. My advice would be to stick with the father who has loved you and raised you and care deeply for you.\n\nNTA, NTA but please, for your mental health, stop contacting that piece of sh*t, NTA. She had 8 years to rectify her mistake. She doesn’t get to try to parent you after 8 years., NTA: She shows no remorse. I fear you may be in for hurt if you do not leave her in the rearview mirror., NTA!! You could have just used plain language which was that she CHOSE TO ABANDON YOU from age 12-18 in that exact wording and any tone you wanted and still have been NTA!! You call the shots here!! She turned in her mom card the day she chose her husband over you in my opinion!, Let me get this straight, her husband didn't want to see your dad, so because of that she simply decided that seeing you was not an option?\n\nNTA, she deserved that, NTA. There are dynamics between a parent and child. When she left you were a child and she needs to understand that you are now an adult. Her mindset is she will pop back in like no time has passed. \n\nYou need to have an uncomfortable conversation with her. And tell her when she left for six years she stopped being a parent. And it was her choice. Right now you are letting her back in, but she has to EARN the right to be not just a parent but someone you trust again. And that starts by learning who you are now. It will be hard for her, because in her mind you’re still a kid. Be patient. But firm. Set your boundaries and expectations. And, without becoming the AH, be firm and frank in setting them.\n\nAlso, while it may be hard, perhaps you can do some family therapy as well., Just because she said sorry and wants to rebuild a relationship, doesn’t mean you’ve forgiven her. And as an adult now, you probably need to have more of an adult discussion about how her actions made you feel, and the boundaries you have to put in place. She does not get to dictate when you are over something. \n\nHard NTA., NTA she left when you were a kid, you're a legal adult now and she can't come back expecting to parent you like she used to, hell, she can't expect to do it at all. This reconciliation is 100% on your terms and she needs to be okay with that or go right back out the door., ^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***\n\nMy(19) mom and dad divorced seven years ago. Her new husband didn’t want her to see my dad and so she let my dad have custody of me and didn’t exercise visitation.\n\nShe contacted us last month, saying she had divorced him and would like to reconnect. Dad told me it’s up to me so I said ‘Why not?’ Things have been kind of awkward between us. Obviously I’ve changed a lot since last time she saw me.\n\nWhen she came over yesterday, I was reading An Offer From A Gentleman. My mom said ‘You’re too young to be reading these toxic romance books.’ I just stared at her and said ‘I was 12 when you disappeared seven years ago. I’m 19 now.’\n\nShe spluttered for a moment and then told me there is no need to use that word, that she made a mistake and there is no reason to throw it in her face.\n\n\n\n*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*, No., I would look up and use every synonym for “disappear” that I could find., NTAH, she made and choice and it wasn't you. She chose that. Now you can choose how you want to respond. She doesn't get to waltz back into your life and pretend like she didn't just throw you away because that is exactly what she did. How can you trust a word out of her mouth? You don't owe her a thing. She lost that privilege when she ditched you 6 years ago, and she doesn't have the right to say one word about how you live your life either because she didn't care about your well being for 6 whole years. Good luck OP, you have your Dad and he already showed he's there for you., NTA. She came back after you turned 18 and she had no responsibility to you. She’s still the same person that left and the second time she does it will break you., NTA.\n\nThere is EVERY reason to "throw it in her face." Your mother abandoned you for a man. That's pretty darned low. She obviously thinks she did nothing wrong or she would act differently towards you., She doesn’t get to parent you. She abdicated that responsibility twelve years ago. NTA., You no longer need your mother in the role of "parent" at this point. Guidance when you asked for it sure, but... your mother's decision making isn't very good, is it? So what advice could you actually take. \n\n\nJulia Quinn does not write toxic romance. Plus she writes historical, we all know its fiction. It's not toxic.\n\n\n\n> She spluttered for a moment and then told me there is no need to use that word, that she made a mistake and there is no reason to throw it in her face\n\n\nYour mother has taken absolutely no responsibility for her actions/decisions. She wants to pretend she never abandoned you, she wants to live in fantasy land. You do not hsve to accept that. \n\n\nShe's your mom, but if she only bring stress to your life, it's ok to end things. For her to have a place in your life, that she willingly forfeited, requires her earning the right to be in your life. She cannot make demands. For all intents, she's a stranger and strangers have no right to make demands for room in your life. She gave up those rights years ago. \n\n\nNTA, UpdateMe, NTA you'd be well within boundaries to tell her to Fuck Off., NTA \n\nA mistake is when you fuck up your math homework. \n\nWhat SHE did was make a conscious decision — not just once, not just twice, but every day for 6 years. If she hadn’t gotten divorced, her ass would still be in the wind., She doesn’t get to be a parent as she pleases! She chose to not be a parent so she does not get the right to parent you as a grown 18yr old, Oh hell no. NTA by far! Wind up that pitch baby and hurl that mfker in her face if you want. You didn't say anything that isn't true. And If she genuinely wants to rekindle a relationship with you, she's going to have to face what she did. You have a right to feel the way you do and she needs to own it. This is coming from a mother's point of view that stepped away from her child for a period of time due to a situation I felt was completely out of my control. I regret it everyday but my daughter's allowed to say anything she wants to about it to me., Mom: How dare you remind me I’m a shitty person., NTA..the truth hurts sometimes!, ...] | 982 | 21322 | 0.98 | /r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1iddjvn/aita_for_reminding_my_mom_that_she_disappeared/ | 2025-01-29 22:46:16 | 2025-01-29 23:16:29 | 0 | 0 | 272 | 0 | 1 | 2 | 0 |
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| 995 | AITA for being loud when my roommate has sex? | I currently live in a student house with three other people.\n\nThe downstairs room is connected to the kitchen/dining area. The roommate who sleeps in this room asked for this specifically.\n\nRecently, he’s been bringing his girlfriend around our house every single day. They’ve been dating a few years, but we’ve only just met her. \n\nThey’re constantly in the kitchen and his bedroom with the door open, which makes it a bit awkward to be in there at times. They have sex SO loud. Going downstairs has become a nightmare because we constantly have to listen to the two going at it. They usually have sex in the middle of the day as well, the exact times people are going into the kitchen to make lunch and dinner. \n\nI’ve brought this up to him a few times and he said that we never gave him any rules when he asked if we could bring her around, but obviously we did not expect to be hearing them having sex constantly.\n\nI asked him to play music and/or put the television on in the background while he was having sex and he refused and told us that he likes hearing his girlfriend while they are having sex so he won’t be doing that. \n\nTo combat this, every time we go into the kitchen and we can hear them having sex, we’ve started playing music ourselves or putting on a TV show on loud to drown them out, which he’s said he is not very happy with and it ruins the mood for him. \n\nI don’t care about them having sex, I just don’t want to hear the bed banging, the moaning and the conversation that happens, it’s annoying and makes it uncomfortable to be in my own house. \n\nAITA? | Not the A-hole | [NTA\n\nAlso:\n\n>we’ve started playing music ourselves or putting on a TV show on loud to drown them out, which he’s said he is not very happy with and it ruins the mood for him.\n\nSo, he's allowed to be noisy, but the rest of you aren't? The nerve!, NTA. He never gave YOU guidelines not to play music or the TV when he was having sex did he? \n\nCould it be that it gets him going to know you guys hear it? Some kind of fetish no? \n\nIt's disrespectful AF to be honest and you've been pretty respectful with the music as I would downright play puking, diarrhoea or kids crying when they are doing it., Sounds like they're exhibitionists if they're leaving the door open and being intentionally loud. They *like* that you can hear them.\n\nThe real issue here is that they are forcing their kink on you. This is not okay *at all*.\n\nRealistically, idk what you can do about it or what the rules of your lease / student housing are, but I'm so sorry and you're NTA, It “ruins the mood for him” kind of like how hearing him and his girl going at it ruins the mood for everyone else in the house? NTA, How on earth does he think this okay?\n\n\n"We didn't give him any boundaries"...I'm sorry but what sort of idiot thinks that you need to have a discussion about him having loud sex at midday near a communal area?\n\n\nNTA, but if it was me I would start making things extra awkward...like bring a conductors baton and start pretending to conduct them as they are doing it with the music you put on.\n\n\nThen again I'm extremely petty and just watched secrets of my success sooo that might have had something to do with that idea.\n\n\nNTA., NTA\n\nGive them reviews and feedback every time. Make it outrageous. Make them uncomfortable.\n\n"Jane, sounds like you weren't as satisfied this time. John having performance issues?"\n\n"Wow John, only 3 minutes this time? Must have been all that time you spent with Lisa earlier. Oops - sorry, Jane!"\n\n"Jane, you okay? Sounds like your head was really bouncing off the headboard. Maybe you should go get a CT to see if you're concussed.", You know what isn’t sexy? Baby Shark on repeat. Umbrella Academy his stupid ass., NTA, if they want an audience, there's certain clubs for that kind of kink. Don't renew a lease with him and keep the noise level at max., Call their parents on speaker phone and let them hear since they think that is normal behavior, sure it's not allowed at home., NTA I would play crying baby noises every time., Forcing people to participate in their exhibitionism is sexual harassment. NTA\n\nI’ve personally been in a similar position and the only thing i regret is not doing something about it sooner because i didn’t realize it was a legitimate way of being violated (which it is)., Nta.\n\nI am so petty that I'd start moaning too. \n\nI'd record myself or something and hit play over the speakers . Turn it up loud. \n. \nJust slow, cathartic moaning lmao. \n\n"UuuGgHhhHhHHHHH!!! Mmmm".\n\n"Ohhh.. fuuuuuuUUUUCK".\n\nMake them uncomfortable., NTA but you live with a sexual predator. This is a kink. He's an exhibitionist and enjoys making y'all hear him. Start playing that Cbat song., NTA \n\nHe wants to be a crappy roommate, then two can play at that game.\n\nI rate have fun with it. Play darth vaders theme song. Some kids bops. Anything that’ll make it even funnier and ruin the mood, NTA\n\nRemind roomie that he "never gave you any boundaries" around combatting his sex noises. Tell him that "it ruins the mood" for you when you're trying to eat. \n\nIf he's not completely dense, then he'll pick up on the turnabout. If he is, then you'll have the satisfaction of knowing that you are affecting his nookie-fests., NTA. What your roommate is doing is a form of sexual harassment honestly- sexual activity is happening and it's involving you/interfering with your day-to-day. You didn't consent to being involved in their sex like that, so, not cool of them at all!! You've already confronted him and he wiggled out of accountability by saying that boundaries were never set about it. (Clearly he does not understand how boundaries function?)\n\nI think having media blaring is an excellent solution! If he ever pitches a fit about it, throw his own argument back at him. "Oh, there were never any boundaries established about how loud the TV is. Maybe if you have sex a little quieter we'll turn it down?" \n\nYou may want to have a meeting with the other roommates and discuss finding someone to take his spot in the house if the behavior continues. This form of harassment can be very awkward and frustrating to deal with. Good luck!!, NTA\n\n"I don't wanna tone it down or drown it out" - housemate\n\nOP puts on music/TV to drown it out for them in their spaces.... - housemate upset\n\nHousemate leaves his door open during sex....\n\nHousemate is a complete and utter asshole getting off on everyone knowing. I'd happily bang on the open door for their attention to tell them to "stfu and close the door asshole" because otherwise it's exhibitionism and Intentionally trying to control the rest of the spaces/make others uncomfortable. \n\nHousemate can do what they want in the *privacy* of their own room, loud sex with no drowning out included, during the day, lunchtime or whatever is not an agreed "quiet hours" of the household. But the moment they leave the door open, it's no longer private and becomes an everyone problem. \n\nOP and the rest are perfectly fine to play music/TV or anything else acceptable in common areas. \n\nHousemate is the asshole., He leaves the door open? Go stare at them and make suggestions to them while they’re having sex. Make it super awkward. When he questions it, tell him you guys never discussed boundaries and watching them is enjoyable so he needs to take it somewhere else if he doesn’t like you watching and adding to the conversations haha, NTA and if you can't change the living arrangements on the current lease definitely don't room together in the future. He's so incredibly inconsiderate. I could never have roommates because this is bound to happen sometimes and you have to deal with it. But, everyday and in the middle of the day?? Do they pay their bills with magic and good vibes? How do neither of them have jobs? Or are they riding these people's clock and riding each other when they should be working? There shouldn't need to be rules about not having loud sex every day at lunch time. But, because they are clueless, y'all spoke to them. He won't be courteous. He's lucky the only reprecussion he's gotten is the music being put on. He needs to live alone. He's way too entitled and unyielding., Do you have a blender or mixer if so please use it to your advantage nta., If it "ruins the mood" for him, he should go somewhere else.\n\nThis guy seems to think the world revolves around him and what he likes. Screw him. You're NTA, but he sure is. What a shitty roomie.\n\nAlso, consider cranking up Yakkity Sax to help set the mood for them., NTA. Buy the largest jbl speaker you can find and play Mozart and conduct it in the kitchen whilst they shag. Will be a beautiful symphony, Switch all music/television used to drown out their noise to shows with a heavy laugh track. Also, every roommate gets a personal kazoo to wear on a lanyard- he’s ridiculous. Requires an over the top ridiculous response., carry on with the loud music..... have you tried the 'Benny Hill Theme'? always a great comedy soundtrack to 'get it on' to!\n\n[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l8TXesafZws](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l8TXesafZws), NTA. “You know what ruins my mood? Hearing you squeal like a pig” he’s gross and it’s not even a boundary it should be common sense, NTA \n\nHave him removed from the house. If it is impacting the three of you that also live there, talk to whomever is in charge of student housing and lodge a complaint., Keep playing loud music or whatever you need to do. Ruin that mood! Put a speaker on loud right outisde his door everytime. \n\nIt had nothing to do with boundaries. You just don’t wanna hear his sex, which is perfectly reasonable. \n\nIt’s weird that he gets upset about it., If he leaves his bedroom door open they are getting off on all of you listening. It's a kink and that is why it's ruining it for him. Tell him to go find a sex club., Had a roommate like this long time back. She was very loud during sexy times. \n\nWe would moan at her during her "performance". Her and her boyfriend got tired of it and moved out. 🤷, > I’ve brought this up to him a few times and he said that we never gave him any boundaries when he asked if we could bring her around\n\n... so he's saying it's too late for you to give him feedback on this? LOL what an arse. You didn't 'miss the opportunity' to give him boundaries on this and he's a huge AH for refusing to make any changes based on what he's hearing from you. The idea of 'I won't turn on music because I like hearing my girlfriend' is nearing exhibitionism territory to me - is it that he likes hearing her or that he likes YOU hearing her? I'd feel pretty grossed out. \n\nNTA. Being distractingly loud while they're having sex seems like the best response if he's going to refuse to make any changes., NTA , put on some religious preaching stations or pod cast and let that rip, eventually it will get to the donate to poor sick orphans , if he continues well ….. he can’t be stopped, Once - just once - I had damned loud sex with my new gf (who would later move in and later still become my wife and later still my ex-wife) in a house I shared with two amazing friends. We were upstairs with my door closed and apparently loud enough that we were clearly heard downstairs. When they both loudly cheered us we knew we'd been too damned loud. We all laughed about it, but after that we were definitely quieter. 🤣\n\nNTA - at all. Do what you have to do but I really like u/Jodenaje and u/fomaaaaa suggestions to give feedback and present a grading card after each session. 😎, “You never gave us any boundaries when you moved in about covering the sound of you really loudly having sex.”\n\nHe’s completely in the wrong, and definitely start playing Baby Shark and the Barney Song loudly when they start up their porn show again. \n\nNTA , He gets off on being heard. That’s why he requested that room and that’s why it’s always at times you could reasonably expect someone to be in the kitchen. NTA., NTA- He has declared himself your enemy by being completely disrespectful. Make him uncomfortable at every turn. Nobody should be exposed to this kind of behavior in a communal living situation., Why leave the door open. 🤢 Now that is attention seeking if you ask me., His excuses are the highest tier of bullshit. Never in my life has having music on meant that I couldn't hear my partner. He's just forcing his kink on the whole house and I absolutely agree with putting together the worst playlist possible to blast at them. , Your room mate likes the fact you all can hear them. They both get off on it.\n\nWhat to do about this situation?\n\nYou could ask if you could watch? Maybe join in?\n\nYou could record the finish and use it as a ring tone on your phone.\n\nCould you have a impromptu party? So you hear them going at it and you suddenly invite 50 people around for a cup of tea. When they have their big finish, encourage everybody to applaud and whistle and shout words of encouragement. They will probably be quite shocked at the noise and come out to investigate and when they hear so many people., NTA. If he has the right to be loud, so do you. Simple as that, NTA.\n\n\nHe doesnt care if he can or cant hear his girlfriend during sex. What he does care about is making sure all of you hear him.\n\n\nIm not gonna claim its 100% the case but it sounds (see what I did there?) Like he has a kink for being heard since he seems to go out of his way to have sex when people are around , Sounds like he needs some training. Each time he does it, play something really annoying like baby shark or 3 little pigs by green jelly at full volume. With any luck, over time you’ll get a Pavlovian reaction and he won’t be able to perform when he hears it, That's the fun thing about boundaries. You can set them before *and* after issues arise. You're NTA, he is., NTA, first house I shared with people, one of the guys brought his girlfriend round for the first time and they dissapeared upstairs to get it on, me and the other guys sat in the living room below his bedroom and played Killer Queen at full volume, while they were at it. \n\n \nHe said it helped with his rythm., NTA. He has a kink for being overheard, that is why he asked for that room, that is why he has sex when he knows people will be in the kitchen, and that is why he is mad you guys are drowning it out., NTA. Sounds like it’s time for the Benny Hill soundtrack, on max volume. Every single time they start. If they can’t pick a bang playlist you do it for them., Never fear, the [anti-sex](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5aEao0Xb5fNpGWiccE0TQq?si=x1Imj6W2T-eOEnzhDdGWNQ&pi=u-ARpM36ReRR2C) [playlists](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7aN5zWgZZVaADfLo4RHUAh?si=xSu5m2VqTPGzXLbftHe3dA&pi=u-zV1REJDVQPWt) are here! NTA., This has to be some type of kink your roommates are forced into. In the common areas and not shutting the door when going to the bedroom is very icky., NTA\n\nKeep doing in fact make it something different and better each time lol play church music or a sermon or heavy metal 😭, NTA - roommate is though. He’s obviously getting a kick from making you all suffer hearing him having sex. Play that music loud and if he complains say, you’re loud, so are we., Sorry, you didn’t set any boundaries when you decided to have loud sex. Music it is!, NTA. Have a housemeeting setting new rules going forward. If you all pay equally, tell them to bring things they would also like to address. The rules will stand for all housemates, like girlfriends and s/o can only visit 3 days a week. If she/they're coming every day, they pay rent. Set forth a schedule where the days you all are the most busy and out of the house, are his days to have as much 'personal' time as he wishes. Another rule could be No loud noises past a certain hour on exam days, etc. Have everyone vote on the rules or you can bargain with rules. If he continues to have loud sex, set forth a generous fine for disturbing the peace. And last case scenario is you kick him out if he can't abide by the rules, or you move. Anytime you live with other people it's always good to have rules, and calm communication., Try to find out what music his parents listened to when he was growing up, then play that., Sounds familiar. We had 6 men in a college house and one of them would have the loudest sex daily - the girl was so loud. He did this on purpose to kind of show his dominance and for bragging rights. Have a couple guys just pound on the door and Say ‘can you keep in down in there please’. That will hopefully ruin the mood and they will start to get it to be respectful. Ahhh the crazy college days., I feel like you should cook something very specific every time you hear them like popcorn or something. Start training them like a Pavlovian response to a specific food. Sex=popcorn. \n\nOr is there a bathroom nearby? This might be the best time to take a huge dump in the bathroom closest to his bedroom., NTA\n\nHe likes hearing her sex noises. You don't. You asked for music/TV. He declined. So you did it. Now he's mad. Bro is literally using his gf as a power play. To point out that he's getting it and you're not. Start blasting some Norwegian Death Metal or the I Love You, Barney song, or some shit. Or "Let it Go." Go crazy with it., IT RUINS THE MOOD FOR HIM?!! Oh, sorry, I’ll try to be more mindful of your erection while I make lunch, let me know if there’s anything else I can do to get you in the mood. «The mood» is so far from your list of responsibilities that him even bringing it up is reason enough to curate a special playlist specifically designed to ruin «the mood»., Start shouting encouragement and advice at them while you make your lunch/sandwich. Remind him how much his "other" gf liked it when he did x,y,z and how you've heard him make a different 3rd random girl scream louder so he must not be giving this one his best!, Record the sounds and replay whenever the gal comes over.\n\nStart giving the gal reviews / ratings. 1-10, and reviews like sounded like yesterday's performance was better., My college roommates would have done things like sitting outside the door cheering or repeating all the sounds, maybe just doing a drive-by and opening the door and walking off. No chance of maintaining a mood if you are so loud you are including the roommates. Nta, You should tell him he didn't set boundaries with the music so it's fine., welp, theres really only one real course of action. strength in numbers. democratic action! you have to work with your other roommates and outsex the linestepper.\n\njust have a big loud, wet, sloppy, gross, chaos filled orgy with your roommates. and you gotta make it like, really fun, so the linestepper feels like hes missing out.\n\nand film it. and send it to me. i prefer high framerates over resolution, so 60 fps @ 1080p will be fine. and dont get artsy, fuck off with that fish eye lens crap., Cardboard cut out of his parents? \n\nPut it in the doorway every time. With a recording saying “I thought I raised you better than this” and “what would grandma say”, Sue for sexual harassment., ^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***\n\nI currently live in a student house with three other people, two males and two females. It’s a four bedroom house and three of us sleep upstairs and the one male downstairs. \n\nThe downstairs room is connected to the kitchen. The male roommate who sleeps in this room asked for this specifically.\n\nRecently, he’s been bringing his girlfriend around our house every single day for a couple hours. They’re constantly in the kitchen and his bedroom with the door open, which makes it a bit awkward to be in there at times. As well as this, they have sex SO loud. The female roommate who lives above him can constantly hear whatever is happening beneath her and going into the kitchen has become a nightmare because we constantly have to listen to the two going at it. They usually have sex midday as well, the exact times people are going into the kitchen to make lunch and dinner. \n\nI’ve brought this up to him a few times and he said that we never gave him any boundaries when he asked if we could bring her around, but obviously we did not expect to be hearing them having sex constantly.\n\nI asked him to play music and/or put the television on in the background while he was having sex and he refused and told us that he likes hearing his girlfriend while they are having sex so he won’t be doing that. \n\nTo combat this, every time we go into the kitchen and we can hear them having sex, we’ve started playing music ourselves or putting on a TV show on loud to drown them out, which he’s said he is not very happy with and it ruins the mood for him. \n\nI don’t care about them having sex, I just don’t want to hear the bed banging, the moaning and the conversation that happens, it’s annoying and makes it uncomfortable to be in my own house. \n\nAITA? \n\n*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*, NTA, but talk to them about it. If they refuse to keep it down, then they are the assholes and have no basis to complain if you continue to blast your TV and music to drown them out., Bluetooth speaker next to the door, Benny hill music., Who the fuck cares about his mood? Does he get off on forcing people to hear him have sex? Buy the both a gag ball and tell them they can either use it or the music and televison will be on full volume. Because the rest of you didn't sign off on living in a porn movie. \n\nI mean, I am loud one too, but your roommate is an idiot. \n\nNTA, Two words: baby shark, I found a secret weapon for interrupting people who are simultaneously being 1.) serious and 2.) assholes...."10 hours fart noises" on youtube. Loud. Undefeatable., They leave the door open because it turns them on. Time to pop your head in, point, and laugh loudly. Hysterically even. Shriek demonically! NTA, True friends blast "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D when roomies bump nasty., I would find a song that particuarly annoys him, you can test this out on a night in with some drinks. The barbie song or who let the dogs out or something and then play it full volume everytime on repeat until they are finished., NTA. They’re probably exhibitionists so don’t do anything to provoke it more, instead. Publicly embarrass them by posting a note on your front door that says “Sorry for the noise, my roommates are disgusting assholes and sexual predators.” Then blast CBAT to make it virtually impossible for this dude to focus or fuck with rhythm., Doesn’t seem like he give any boundaries about music being played when he asked about bringing her around 🤷♀️, Too bad, if you playing music, or having the TV on ruins, the mood for him. He’s basically ruining your lives in general, just like having a listen to it and not having sex, so loud., blast Cbat by Hudson Mohawke on repeat, NTA I’m currently in a relationship, he lives with roommates and when I’m over we try to be quiet, keep the tv on, or just wait until his roommates are out it’s not that hard lol. Your roommate needs to be more considerate or get his own place., HUGE NTA\n\nThis is insane, how can any human think this is okay??? I'd report this to an RA if you had one. This is college, not his personal sex house to practice his obvious exhibitionism. I would've reported it day one or started a real argument if he said NO. Like excuse me, that wasn't a request. "Awww does the tv make your dick go down? Let me just make the place we LIVE IN WITH OTHER STUDENTS all PERFECTLY SILENT for you to have sex in while we STARVE to death and can't focus on HOMEWORK", I HAVE THE ANSWER YOU SEEK. Alvin and the Chipmunks Christmas album (It's called Chipmunk Christmas). Blast. That. Shit. It has been my go-to for moving situations along when one party just will not listen. Waiting in line at the Dunkin speaker for 10 mins? Chipmunk Christmas. Roomates having loud sex? Chipmunk Christmas. Neighbors blasting Kid Rock? Chipmunks Christmas. It drowns out everything else and the shrill singing is sure to supersede whatever chaos is going around you and will become the dominant noise, guaranteed.\n\nNTA. Use this method for guaranteed success., I would stand outside the door and shout instructions and give criticism. NTA. They are being super rude. When you live with people you have sex quietly., You are ruining the mood for him? \n\nThat’s a shame. Carry on OP., Sex with the door open?! You should just use one squirt of liquid fart spray before she arrives, in the middle and after. They want to be nasty? Show them how badly it smells. Obviously NTA., The fastest way to get this shit to stop is to mimic the girlfriend when she moans you moan back in response. I'm telling you right now we all joking laugh about these things but the moment she hears herself repeated back to herself she's going to become super self-conscious and this shit will stop it may even piss him off the point that he wants to talk to you about it and then you're going to simply just lay it all out there about how he's the actual asshole in the matter until then every fucking time they go at it and I have to hear it in the middle of the day in a communal area I'm moaning back big time, He is doing that on purpose. If you asked him to turn the radio on or tv. Sounds like to me he wants yall to hear it. It is his trophy. If you can talk with the girlfriend. Believe you me it will stop cuz she would be embarrassed to know yall could him them and you spoke to him about it, typical roommate etiquette is closing the door and putting some music on. i feel like this is a common unspoken rule when it comes to shared living situations, Why are you even asking? Just for karma? You know you're NTA., Pound on the door in a random rhythm and moan back. Worked for me when I had noisy roomies, NTA you didn’t set boundaries for him when his girlfriend comes over so he also never said you can’t play music. I would shame them have other roommates shame them. Invite the neighbors over to shame them., NTA, if he doesn’t give a crap about ruining the mood for you, then you are not obligated to feel bad about ruining the mood for him. Living together is about making compromises, which apparently he doesn’t understand., It is annoying, maybe try to kick him out if he can’t modify his behavior a little., NTA. Setting boundaries is not a "speak now, or forever hold your peace." situation. You can set them at any time, for any reason. Upsetting the whole house, then using the logic "nobody told me I shouldn't," is asshole behavior. Kick him out if you have the power., NTA. Baby shark on repeat, that is all., They, or at least he, is definitely into being heard. That's why he's cranky that you're doing things to avoid hearing it. I'd personally swap to things that are likely to kill the mood. Birthing videos tend to be a good one for most people. If you get the right one he could even start out thinking it's spicy material just to be shattered midway through his antics. Teletubbies, baby shark, farm noises, politics, or other very ridiculous things are also good options. \n\nNTA., Why should you care if he is happy when he basically told you to go fuck yourself. Just keep the same energy. I would buy a speaker and face it toward the wall and blast it. then leave the house NTA, NTA. The rest of you should all go in your respective rooms and moan loudly while clapping your hands in a suggestive manner and telling them to be louder so you can hear what's going on better., For sure NTA\n\nAs some other people have said, I’d make it your mission to make them as uncomfortable as possible so they can get a taste of their own medicine. \n\nI’d recommend playing the most outrageous songs you can think of. Personally I think boom boom boom boom and we like to party, by vengaboys would work perfectly. \n\nIf that doesn’t work, try a bit of karaoke. Just make sure you really off key., If they leave the door open just go make some popcorn and watch. If they complain ask them what the problem is? No boundaries were set and they are the ones leaving the door open right next to the kitchen. Assumedly so people can watch?, I flat out would refuse to live with someone who thinks it’s okay to have sex that loudly. That’s insanely inappropriate of them. Beyond disrespectful and selfish. Start loudly mocking them and mock their moans. They genuinely deserve to feel shame, Time to audio tape their sex noise, then play it back at them when they get going the next time. Blast it directly at their door. I also love the idea of putting up a white board outside his bedroom with rankings of their performance. Gold medal ice skaters get judged, can't see why this dude and his companion can't get the same treatment., Maybe try puting loud "sex movies noises" next to their room when they are together?\n\nSometimes getting a taste of what you make others suffer is enough to "get it"., ...] | 2246 | 20837 | 0.97 | /r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1im7a19/aita_for_being_loud_when_my_roommate_has_sex/ | 2025-02-10 09:25:39 | 2025-02-10 15:32:30 | 0 | 0 | 61 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 |
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| 996 | AITA for not responding when someone doesn't use my actual name? | My (16m) name is Nico and it's not short for anything. On my birth certificate it says Nico middle name last name. This is something a few people can't understand and some people call me Nicholas. Even teachers who see me on the class list as Nico and not Nicholas. \n\nI'm a foster kid. I've been in the system since I was 2. My mom is the only bio family I know but she's not able to take care of me. I see her twice a year through court ordered visits. But nobody in her family and I don't have anything to do with my paternal side.\n\nI've been with my current foster family for three years and I'm really happy with my foster parents and foster siblings. My foster parents actually want to help the kids they foster and their kids are cool with their parents fostering and don't bully me or others for stealing their families. So I hope I get to stay until I age out of the system.\n\nMy only problem is some of their extended family are snobs and they don't like calling me Nico. So they call me Nicholas even after being corrected a million times. My foster parents have explained that my name is actually Nico, not Nicholas. But the reply is always "But Nico is short for Nicholas!" A couple of the extended family have encouraged me to change my name because Nicholas sounds much more professional for an adult male, which I will be soon. I was like no thanks.\n\nMy foster parents told me I should ignore whenever someone calls me Nicholas now. Unless they're new and just assume. But I can ignore their family members who do it. So that's what I did. I've ignored them a handful of times now and it bothers them so much.\n\nYesterday it happened twice because one kept trying to call "Nicholas" over and I just didn't go. The other asked "Nicholas" to pass the potatoes at dinner and I kept eating and didn't pass anything. I was then called out for ignoring them and my foster parents said nobody knew who they were talking to because there was no Nicholas at the table. One of my foster sisters said she assumed it was her "Nicole" and they got confused and that's why she passed it instead.\n\nI was told I should be more open to the wisdom others offer with name suggestions and stop being rude by ignoring people. Even though my foster parents backed me up again. It made me feel a way because this really is my best foster experience and I don't want to piss off people in my foster family.\n\nSo AITA? | Not the A-hole | [NTA. Your foster parents sound great and clearly have your interests at heart. Even the other kids, at least one anyway, are standing up for you.\n\nYour name is Nico. Not Nicholas. It's extremely rude and disrespectful to deliberately call you by a name that isn't yours, especially with repeated corrections. It's even more rude and disrespectful to practically demand you change your name from something you like and see as yours to something you don't like and don't want. There's also nothing wrong with Nico as a name. Sure, it's not common, but it's not really weird, either. \n\nYour name is your name and no one else gets to demand it be something different or call you by a name that isn't yours. Keep listening to your foster parents, it's them and their kids you want a good relationship with, not so much the extended family. And if you back down now, the extended family will never respect you and will continue to demand you change things they don't like against your will. Continue ignoring anyone who calls you by the wrong name unless it's an honest mistake. Continue listening to your foster parents and letting them stand up for you, that's part of their job as foster parents, and they're proving they're great at it., NTA. I'm glad your foster parents have your back. What they told you to do is exactly what I had to do for years. \n\nMy last name (maiden name) was a very common first name as well. Lots of people would call me by my last name. I would ignore them until they called me either Ms. Last Name, or just by my first name. I guess since I did it as an adult in work settings, I didn't get shit for it like your relatives are doing, but the message was finally received and respected., NTA.\n\nYour foster parents sound like winners. Listen to them and make sure they are in the loop. As long as you are happy and they are happy, who gives a rats patoot about what "extended family" think.\n\nThe other thing you might consider is getting the offender's name wrong when you reply.\n\n"Nicolas, would you pass the potatoes"?\n\n"You bet, Mrs. Farnsworth-Wiggington. Here you go".\n\n"Nicolas, that's not my name"\n\n"Oh, I thought we were all making up new names for each other."\n\n(I realize the dynamics of being a foster child can be unique and difficult; again, as long as your foster parents are good, you are going to be fine.), NTA, keep ignoring them when they call you 'Nicholas' \nHowever I would add something, think up a different name for all of the people who keep calling you Nicholas.\n\nFor example, Aunt Elizabeth is now Aunt Betty. Uncle Thomas is now Uncle Tommy. Even better if you can make it longer in stead of shorter like for example Grandma Rose is now Grandma Rosemary. \n\nIf they get angry with you just say. "I think these names are much better and easyer to say, they will help you in life. You should take advise from someone who is better up to date with modern society.", NTA. Nico is a perfectly fine complete name, meaning "victory". I hope you will victorious in your battle to get others to use your name properly., NTA - however if you wanted to be petty, you could change their names slightly., NTA.\n\nIt sounds like your foster parents are pissed on your behalf. They could step in, but you're at an age where you should be standing up for yourself. They're aware you might not feel comfortable doing so, so they've told you it's ok because they're annoyed too. This is also important because some kids don't get taught that they are allowed to stand up for themselves and they become adults who don't know how to stand up for themselves.\n\nThey want you to be able to stand up for yourself, with their support. They're probably more pissed off than they let on about those family members calling you the wrong name., I would elongate the names of those who misuse your name. \n\nJimolomew.\n\nSarantha.\n\nSee how they like it. \n\nNTA, Nico can also be short for Nicolai, Nicola, Nicolo, Nicolas, Nicodemus, Nicolaus, Nicolaas, Nicomedes, etc., but... There are plenty of other people just named Nico. \n\nI don't get what the problem is?\n\nNTA, NTA\n\nMy name has an S in it, and people have always made that S a Z, and I hate it. In high school, I did exactly as you did. It didn’t stop people, so I started calling them by a name that was close to theirs, but not quite. Like, teachers, I’d call them by their first name, not their proper salutation. \n\nThat actually got them to stop. Once I became an adult, people were much more respectful. \n\nYour feelings matter too., I just wanted to share that I’ve always loved the name Nico., Can I say how wild it is to assume you can just decide someone’s name isn’t to your standards, and then having the audacity to try and rename a whole ass person? Nico in no way is a weird or unprofessional name and I think you are completely right to ignore dipshits who can’t even understand how insane they are. NTA, NTA \n\nI don't know where you're from, but I'm Dutch and in the Netherlands this is a perfectly normal name. Nicholas would be a weird name here. So this is cultural and just their opinion. Your name is great, professional and well suited for an adult imo. \n\nThat said, it is your name and nobody had the right to tell you what your name should be. It's very disrespectful what they are doing. I love your foster parents, btw., The world is full of assholes (like your extended foster family). You are definitely not one of them. I'm glad you're with a good family now, and I hope you get to stay. Learning to cope with stupid people being stupid is an important life skill. You will have stupid teachers, and bosses, and others in situations where you can't really tell them to f off, as much as they will deserve it. Think of this as a learning experience in patience. Some people are just really really irritating, and utterly ignorant of it., NTA. When you're a foster kid your birth name is hugely important because it's one of the few links you still have to your birth parents and your cultural heritage. I'm really glad that your foster paretns are backing you up in this. Keep correcting or ignoring everyone else until they get the message., 🥹🥹🥹🥹 fuck it.\n\nStart calling uncle Stewart “Stewy!”\nAunt Katie” Kat!”\nAunt Isabelle”izzy!”\nUncle richard” Richy boy” \n\n\nI was petty as a kid and im a certified petty adult now, if they wont call you by your name, do to them as they have done onto you.\nBet they’ll flip their ever living shit. \nYour name is Nico, a beautiful name.💕\n\n\nMy son’s name is Eli, three little letters and people( teachers included!) have called him Elijah EVEN after explaining many times thwt his name isnt Elijah, that Eli isnt short for anything.\n\nNow i gave him permission to go wild about it when it comes to their names and to Never reply to anybody that call him something else when they KNOW his name is Eli. 💕👏🏾, Your foster family sounds great, even you siblings, supporting you in this. I'm not sure why you need the internet's approval to do what they're already encouraging you to do, but yes, just go on 👍👍👍, NTA. Am i the only one who has never met a Nicholas that has been called Nico? They all go by Nick. Never once has one gone by Nico.\n\nAnd OP, say you did decide to change your name to something completely different. Would they still call you Nicholas? Or would they embrace your new name of say "john"?\n\nYou know the answer is they would call you "john".\n\nThey are being AH because they want to be right. But, newsflash, they are WRONG. Keep ignoring them. Your foster parents sound amazing., NTA if you’re uncomfortable with it and your foster parents are supporting you, that’s great. I get that you feel you’re in a “make everyone happy, don’t screw this up” situation, but it sounds like you’re just listening to them & they’re listening to you., NTA and your foster parents are THE BEST!!! Do keep contact with them once you're out of the system., I have friends who named their son Nico. I like the name, > I've ignored them a handful of times now and it bothers them so much.\n\n\nThis here is a million dollar sentence. \nInteresting principle at play. It's bothersome for them to be ignored, yet they are free to ignore you and your preferences? \n\n\nNTA. Props for your foster parents for having your back. Maybe substract half a point for choosing passive aggressive tactic. \n\n\nI'd rather not ignore them, but ask them each time to use my name. \n\n\n"Nicholas, please pass X" \n"If you mean me, please use my name which is Nico"\n"But Nicholas is [whatever arguments]"\n"It doesn't matter now, please use my name"\n"Whatever, can you pass me the X" \n"I'd rather you not sidestep the issue, could you use my name? It's the polite thing to do, wouldn't you agree?" \n\n\nAnd so on. \n\n\nI'd recommend practicing by role playing with your guardians, they seems like they'd like to help. The goal is to stay calm and assertive. It'll be a great practice because there's going to be enough assholes trying that shit on you through your whole life. , NTA. Your foster parents sound awesome. I admire them for staying in contact with the jerks in their families. \n\nWhat those people are doing is controlling. Your foster parents are quite right. You know your name. Don’t answer to anything but. Except for honest mistakes and be sure to offer polite correction (this isn’t that)., NTA. I agree with your foster parents. There is no need to answer people who do not use your correct name. You like your name, there is no reason to change it. \n\n\nI had a teacher who insisted on calling me by a nickname I hated. The principal agreed that I did not have to answer that teacher if he didn't use MY name. I did not speak to that teacher for many years. \n\n\nYour extended foster family is being rude and ignorant. You do not have to acknowledge them., NTA. This is a matter of basic respect. They are displaying none of it. You are under no obligation to give your attention and respect to someone who refuses to respect you. Nico is a perfectly nice name and their 'snobbery' is just disrespect for your name. don't feel bad, your foster parents are backing you up because they know others are being disrespectful.\n\nNico, BTW, is an Italian name. And while it may be a shortened form of Nicholas (which is Greek) it is a full first name in Italy. Although it is commonly used as a shortened/nickname for those who have longer names (both male and female), it doesn't have to be., NTA\n\n"Wisdom"? No, it's disrespect. \n\nThe only thing that is truly ours that no one can take away is our name.\n\nI'm so glad your foster family is standing up for you and giving you encouragement., If it makes you feel any better, there’s about 120 years of research that shows how important it is for a child’s emotional development to call them what they want to be called. It’s incredibly important to affirm that and to affirm that your sense of self should be respected. Your name belongs to you. \n\nAnd I’m your case it’s… your actual given name. There is no problem here other than your extended foster family being blatantly disrespectful bullies. They suuuuuck and I’m so glad your foster parents have your back. They’re modeling and teaching uou correctly, you do not have to bend to the whims of bullies. They don’t have your best interest at heart, and you won’t win their baseline respect that they already are clearly unwilling to give. Shame on them. They are so so so disrespectful. NTA, Start changing their names and continue to ignore. Your fosters don’t think it’s rude (it’s definitely not) and encourage you to do this so they obviously support you. Definitely NTA but they on the other hand are very much the a**hole for not respecting you., NTA. My legal name is a nickname for another name. Think Beth for Elizabeth. I have had people always ask if it is short for the other name. I even had a teacher who had my legal name on his attendance try calling me by the other name because he didn't like nicknames.\n\nAlso, I have never heard Nico as short for Nicholas. I'm glad your foster parents have your back. I hope you can stay with them., NTA. I have had this experience and once I managed to shame a person who made a similar assumtion. \n\nI was working at a dot com in Boston but we were bought by a worldwide LLC before the crash so I was getting so many resumes as I had slots open in my department. People were desperate so I was getting \*creative\* approaches. \n\nOne guy --- early 20s who had graduated into a dream job world, made great money, got laid off --- decided to call me even though my job announcement said EMAILS ONLY. He started with one of our foreign offices, bounced through a Florida office and got my extension. \n\nI have a nickname that often is for a very different name. Think "Liz" which people assume is for Elizabeth but which in my case is short for a name without one matching letter to my given name bc my brother couldn't say the letter L.\n\n"Hi Elizabeth. My name is cocky guy and I'll be your next \_\_\_\_."\n\nMe: "I'm sorry, there is no Elizabeth here. Better luck next time..."\n\n"Wait, I was told you run the \_\_\_\_\_ department?"\n\nMe: I do but I have never been named Elizabeth and I posted an opening with very specific simple instructions to email only and with my name in the email address."\n\n"Yeah but XX is short for Elizabeth"\n\nMe; Oh really? How much would you like to wager on that?"\n\n"Well, I just assumed... it's more formal and makes a more professional business impression..."\n\nMe: "I guess I'm not "professional enough in your opinion so you should look for a suit and tie company. My post was very clear that we are a casual atmosphere in terms of dress bc the pace is hectic and productivity is of utmost importance. How can i manage, and rely upon, someone who thinks I need to learn how to present myself?\n\nI'm going to give you some advice; this is a fast-paced company and any instructions not followed exactly can lead to missing launch dates and my entire department having to stay all night and longer and be punished by corporate. If I post the name by which I want to be addressed then I actually wan t to be addressed b y that name. And in software development there is no time for assumptions. Show some humility and some respect. Good luck to you."\n\n"Are you not going to interview me, you're not even going to give me a chance?"\n\nMe: "The specifics in the job posting were a chance."\n\nAnd I hung up and told reception to not transfer calls to anyone looking for "Elizabeth.", NTA. Calling someone by the name you think they should have instead of their actual name, especially if they want to be called by their actual name is far more rude than not responding to a name that is not yours. \n\nThe level of rudeness and disrespect here is incredible. They're bullies, pure and simple.\n\nEspecially in your case. Youve had so much taken from you. Don't let anyone take your name too. \n\nReally, how hard can it be to call someone by their actual name?, Nico is a lovely name. Your foster parents and close family are wonderful for supporting and protecting you against your toxic "relatives." I use quotes because they aren't qualified to be called relatives or family. \n\nMy full first name is one of those that is often abbreviated, and I do go by an abbreviation most of the time. However, when I meet new people and elect to use my full name - let's say it's Elizabeth - if they reply with "nice to meet you, Liz." I immediately say "It's Elizabeth. My name is Elizabeth." And if they continue to call me Liz, I ignore them. Full stop. Should they confront me, I just repeat "My name is Elizabeth."\n\nThis will likely continue to be a thing you encounter out there in the future as you take new jobs and meet new people. Maybe you use this time with these jerks honing your ability to ignore their attempts to bait you. Don't react at all to Nicholas. Pretend they said Thomas or something. As you wish and when you want to, calmly and without any emotion say "It's Nico. My name is Nico." They won't like that they can't get a rise out of you, so the intended energy will get bounced back onto them, making them uncomfortable- as it should. \n\nI had a boss once who went by Larry. For 2-3 months he called me the wrong full name. I did all of the above to no effect. Finally I just started calling him Lawrence. He looked like a kicked puppy but he fixed himself., NTA- Nico is your government name and of that's what you want to be called, then people should use it, no ifs/buts about it🤷🏾♀️, NTA - I had a kind of similar situation where a teacher in high school wouldn’t use my real name because he thought the one he chose was more “correct” and “professional”. I started only addressing him with the wrong name and he called my parents to complain. They essentially told him to fuck off and don’t dish what you can’t take, NTA. You have your foster parents blessing and backup on this. They sound like wonderful people., Name suggestions? You’re a fully developed human lol not a new puppy NTA, NTA \nYour name is part of you. You get to decide if it works for you or not. \n\nThese ppl are being classist dicks with their naming conventions. And they are bullying you. \nSome ppl think that certain names signal low class and white trash and so on. There's also plenty of racist influence on naming trends and naming traditions. \nBut it's stupid and naming trends are cyclical and constantly changing anyways. So names considered upper class now, will most likely be considered lower class in 5 or 15 years. Tyrone for example was a white upper class name before it was considered a black lower class name. \nBut the class system is ridiculous too. \n\nI personally think Nico is a beautiful name. \nIt means: Victory of the People. That's a hella strong name. \nI have a friend with that name too. \nAnd they are a fully grown professional 40 yo \nand don't struggle to be taken seriously at all. \n\nBut no matter what your name is, it's yours and nobody should be trying to take that away from you. \n\nI have a cousin who's foster parents changed his name because they felt it was too low class sounding. \nAnd he says it felt like they confiscated his identity and family and history. \nFor some reason ppl are more ok with treating foster kids like this. \nBecause our own history has no value to them. \n\nDon't bend to their pressure.\nThey are being horrible to you and I might ask the foster parents, if you can avoid them in the future. They don't need to be invited over, to bully you in your own home., NTA there’s a saying that “you teach people how to treat you” and another that “what you accept is what you get.” Your foster parents are teaching you a valuable skill — how to set and enforce boundaries — that is setting you up for success in many many situations you will face in life. Good for them! Listen to them Nico; they are wise., >I was told I should be more open to the wisdom others offer with name suggestions and stop being rude by ignoring people.\n\nPeople aren't misnaming you because they're offering wisdom. They're doing it because they are are bullies, it's a powerplay, and it's xenophobia (Nico is an Italian name, valid in its own right -- and even if it wasn't, it's your identity and therefore your choice).\n\nYou don't need name suggestions. You have a name.\n\nThe only people being rude here are the arseholes who are disrespecting both you and your identity.\n\nThey can't cope with you ignoring them because you are taking their power away from them. They can't pull off a powerplay against someone who doesn't acknowledge their existence. You've regained the power to control your own name and identity, and they hate that.\n\nYour foster parents/sisters sound awesome, and this suggestion of theirs is the real offered wisdom. Keep ignoring the arseholes. If all they have left are insults instead of apologies, then they aren't worth listening to at all., What "wisdom of others", exactly? It's your official name, how hard is it to understand? Even if it wasn't, it's the respectful thing to do to address someone the way they wish to be addressed. They sound like idiots.\n\nI'd be petty. I'd say Nico is short for Nicolette. See what happens. And how quick their biases will kick into place and you'll be called Nico in no time., I knew a guy named Jake that wasn’t a Jacob, a Johnny that wasn’t John, a Britt that wasn’t a Brittany, Ash that wasn’t an Ashley, Alex that wasn’t an Alexander, a Sammy that wasn’t a Sam/Samantha, etc. \n\nThe amount of crap they got from people for supposedly not knowing their own name was awful. \n\nIt’s also when the reverse is true. My sister has a unique name and had never been called the nickname by family and friends, always the full name. Every older woman she meets insists on calling her the nickname. She corrects them politely but everyone over a certain age persists on the wrong name. One day at church she finally snapped at the same ladies calling here the wrong name and shouted “I am not “XYZ”! If my parents wanted me called that, they would have named me that at birth. Stop being idiots and get it right!”, NTA I also ignore people who cannot be bothered to use my actual name. They will be rewarded with the attention they desire when they call me by the correct name. It's basic respect to call people by the proper name., NTA\n\nIt’s hard to ignore, what I would call, blatant disrespect. That’s why it makes you so angry. When people purposely ignore you and, instead, do it how they’d like. Maybe you see it as them trying to make you remember that you aren’t actually part of the family. Which is just cruel. It’s kind of like when someone emails you and spells your name wrong, even though the spelling is in your email address - example Nico.lastname@email.com, and they start the email out, “Dear Niko,”. Like, really? You can’t take 2 seconds to make sure my name is spelled correctly before sending this? \n\nI hope you figure out a way to make peace with it, because, unfortunately, you can’t control what other people do or say, you can only control the way you respond to them. Good luck!, NTA. I don’t know what’s wrong these people. There are lots of names that are derived from others that have become common names on their own (Peggy, Lori, Vicki, Lisa come to mind immediately). And even if not, it’s your name, they should call you by what you’d like to be called by. Do they call every Tom they meet Thomas? Every Chris is Christopher? So stupid. Seems like they’re just trying to be rude to you., NTA- Your foster family are amazing!!, I'm so happy that you have such a loving foster family. I hope you get to stay until adulthood. , NTA. It’s not wisdom, it’s bullying. I’m sorry you are experiencing the annoyance of small-minded people. \n\nMaybe it will be too big a concept for their itty bitty brains, but “Willie” was Willie Mays’ given name. Not “William.” \n\nRock on, Nico., When I was a kid my aunts and uncles always tried to shorten my my name and ended it w a Y. I did NOT like the version and after years of my requesting my real name and them not listening to me I started doing the same thing back to them casually. And guess what? They did not like it and stopped., NTA. I am glad your parents have your back. This reminds me of a story posted here a while back. It was a women posting about how her MIL was always disrespecting her and calling her the wrong name(I believe she kept using a name of one of her son’s ex’s) At a family dinner this MIL, didn’t ask but told “Sally” she had to bring the turkey for Thanksgiving dinner. This women was tired of being called the wrong name and ignored her. Well come Thanksgiving , she walked into the house with her husband and the MIL says Sally” were is the turkey. This women says back “I am not Sally. So we will have to wait for her to bring it” Taught that MIL, LOL, Nico is a name in its own right used by Greeks and Italians. It's also used as a nickname for Nicolas, Domenico, Nicodemo, and a few others. They are being extremely rude by refusing to call you by your name, and extremely ignorant in insisting that Nico simply must be short for Nicholas. And they're xenophobic as hell for insisting Nico "isn't professional." If you're uncomfortable with your foster parents' way of enforcing this with your extended foster family, talk to them about it. Explain your fears about it. I'll bet they will work with you to come up with a solution that works for everyone. , NTA Other people don't get to decide what your name is.\n\nI greatly sympathize with your situation. My name is Gregg, not Greg and definitely not Gregory. I'm 61 and I've been correcting people for most of my life.\n\nI had this situation a while back at work. One of my co-workers was joking around (and I knew they were joking), but I felt that I had to correct them.\n\nCo-worker (in a affected, snooty voice): Hello, Gregory. \nMe: We've been through this before. My name is Gregg, not Gregory. \nCo-worker: Oh, it's okay. I'm just showing how much I respect you. \nMe (kind of irritated): The name on my birth certificate is Gregg. If you want to respect me, you call me by my proper name., Man Nico is a cool ass name, and Nicholas is just so plain. NTA for ignoring people who are, at this point, just being blatantly rude and disrespectful. You have a name. You like your name. Your name is frikin amazing! Fuck the Nicholas obsessors lol, NTA. You deserve the respect of being called your name., Absolutely NTA. There's a lot of respect in a name and a lot of disrespect in the wrong name, I once quit a job because I had a boss that thought it was funny to introduce me to people with the wrong name, I'm trans and people calling me. The wrong name is hugely disrespectful now just as much as it was then, NTA - don’t think twice about pissing off people who can’t even be bothered to learn your name, NTA. Your name is your name, and the fact that they can't accept that is weird to me. Unfortunately, you're not in a position to really do anything about it. Foster care can suck. But no, absolutely not the asshole. Calling someone by the correct name is the bare minimum out in the world, you deserve that at home as well., NTA \n\nYour name isn't Nicholas so anyone calling you that knowing your name is Nico is being rude and ignorant. You are right to not react when they call you by the incorrect name. \n\nNico is a great name and it's good you, supported by your foster parents, are standing up to ignoramuses., NTA. Using your correct name is showing you respect. Your foster parents may need to have a word with the other relatives to ask why they are disrespecting you. \n\nKeep in mind this will likely never change. Some people are too set in their ways or too arrogant to think they might be treating someone badly. But that doesn’t mean you have to accept it., NTA \n\nYour foster parents and foster siblings are awesome. They understand your frustration and are helping out with correcting the snobs they are related to. You are very much at an age where you have the opportunity to speak about what you want your name to be. You obviously don't want to change it, and those snobs need to listen to you., I can guarantee that there are many grown up, professional Nicholas's in the world that go by Nicky, Nick or Nico. \n\nIt's your name. You have the backing of your foster parents and are doing as they instructed. \n\nNTA., Absolutely NTA.\nThis is similar to (although wierder than) being called a nickname you hate.\n\nRegardless of whether Nico can be short for Nicholas, they are deliberately choosing not to respect your, perfectly reasonable, wishes.\n\nYou have the support of your immediate foster family to ignore and honestly there are much worse responses.\n\nNTA, I've said it before, and I'll say it again, the most BASIC respect you can show someone is using the name they choose to go by, whether it be a legal name or a nickname. Your name is Nico, you prefer to go by Nico, therefore Nico is all anyone should use. I prefer to go by a nickname and when people use the wrong nickname, or my legal name, I do what you did and ignore them. Do it enough and people get the point, but the people who take that long aren't the ones you want in your life, As someone else with a name that can also be a shortened version of a different name, NTA. I had one teacher in middle school who insisted on calling me the long version, so I just ignored him. And when he asked for Long name, my last name I just said, "There is no one of that name in this class," and continued with what I was doing.\n\nWhat they are doing is disrespectful, it is your name. The most basic respect is calling people by the correct/perferred name. Do not tolerate their disrespect., Start calling them Dave. Everyone of them. Your grandma "alright Dave". They will get the message., NTA at all. They're being disrespectful AF. I'm glad you have your foster fam!, NTA. They are the rude ones by refusing to use your name. Keep on ignoring them. If they complain, let them know you'll answer them when they are respectful to you., NTA\n\nEven your fosters parents support you. Keep doing it, NTA. I HLhad this happen to me in school when teachers called me Jonathan. My name is John. My mom told my teacher that he doesn't respond to you because that's not his name. Tell anyone giving you grief over this that they should go by "Richard" for long, and be more open about that!, NTA. My first name is also usually a nickname while there’s a longer, more “formal” version. (Think Liza for Elizabeth or Maggie for Margaret, etc.). I’ve run into this same issue in school and the workplace where people assume my legal name is the longer version. \n\n\nMy entire life I’ve just ignored people when they call me the wrong name. They’ll usually be mad and defensive at first but since it seems like you have adults in your life to back you up (my parents had to do the same for me when teachers tried to write me up for being “difficult”), then keep doing it. They’ll either get the hint or they just can’t talk to you directly anymore. Most of the time people will get the hint though., NTA.\n\nFuck those jackasses that deliberately mess with your name., I found this definition online. \n\nNico is a gender-neutral name of Italian origin. Being the Italian, shortened version of the Greek Nicholas, this name has power through tradition. The definition of this name as we know now is "victory of the people,"\n\nThe people that are calling you Nicholas are being disrespectful and think they can get away with it becaue you are younger. Follow what your foster parents are telling you., Trust ur foster parents. They have ur back :), Tell them it doesn't come from Nicholas in the first place but was inspired by Nicodemus. They won't want to call you that and it's a perfectly valid name to have as an origin. \n\nIf they try to say it isn't valid or real then tell them they obviously aren't Christian enough because it's a name "everyone" knows is from the Bible. I'm sure the sarcasm will be lost in them., It isn't wisdom to refuse to use someone's name. It's ignorance.\n\nNTA, I’ve taught for over 30 years and one of the things I am adamant on is names! I make sure I pronounce names correctly and am using the correct one! One of my ongoing life lessons for my students is making sure they understand that having people pronounce their name correctly is non-negotiable. It’s a form of respect and how communities are built. Intentionally mispronouncing names is a form of control and dehumanization. If they don’t take the time to know it or pronounce it properly, they’re not worth your time., NTA\n\n> I was then called out for ignoring them and my foster parents said nobody knew who they were talking to because there was no Nicholas at the table. One of my foster sisters said she assumed it was her "Nicole" and they got confused and that's why she passed it instead.\n\nYour foster parents sound awesome., My father's legal name is Tommy. Not Thomas. It was difficult for people to get that...but they did. My father is 82....if people were able to grasp it since the 1940s, your foster family's relations can get it \n\nNTA, More open to the wisdom others offer about YOUR LEGAL FUCKING BIRTH NAME. Good God people have nothing if they don’t have the fucking audacity., “More open to the wisdom others offer with name suggestions” \n\nThat is the dumbest thing I’ve heard all week and this has been one hell of a doozy of a week!\n\nThey have offered their opinion on your name, quite rudely, and gotten your response. Nothing that’s coming out of their mouths at this point is anywhere in the vicinity of wisdom or politeness. Your foster parents are on your side in this matter. Listen to them.\n\nNTA, NTA. Used to have a coworker who always called me by the wrong name even though we all wore nametags so my name was pinned right there in front of her. One night she kept calling from across the room but I ignored her since she once again called me the wrong name. When she asked why I didn't respond I told her. She finally started getting it correct most of the time after that., MAJORLY NTA. Names have power. People who will not use the name a person prefers (even *if* it were Nicholas & yet everyone ever has only referred to you as Nico), even after correction, even after repeated correction are showing you nothing but massive disrespect.\n\nThese people deserve ***nothing***. No response, no consideration, no respect. Not even a second thought.\n\nStart referring to them by random names, as if their very existence is not worth the effort to remember who they are.\n\nIf a person (no matter their age) will not respect you (no matter your age), you are under zero obligation to respect them.\n\n\nGood luck, & have fun screwing w their teeny, tiny, little minds., OP,\n\nYou got the most important things - a foster parents and foster siblings that love and support you. I'm so happy for you. Yep. The extended family are beyond annoying. You have to wonder how your foster parents turned out to be such great people given some of their family that they grew up with.\n\nYour immediate foster family has your back. They encourage and totally support you ignoring folks who have been told your name and refuse to accept or use it. Hopefully you don't have to be around them all the time. (But if you do see them often, that's all the more reason to require them to respect you and your name.)\n\nDon't feel bad about using this strategy. The folks who insist on mis-naming you are the ones who are making this an issue. It's them saying, "*I"m going to make an issue of using the name I like instead of your actual name. How dare you make an issue of only responding to your actual name!*" They are fully responsible for creating any problems or bad feelings. Not you., NTA. You get to decide what people call you. Nico is your name, not Nicholas. It’s beyond rude for people to decide that they’re going to call you a name that isn’t even yours. You’re fine as you are and I’m glad your foster parents are sensible enough to support you. I’m sorry that anyone has made you feel that your name is unacceptable- it’s not. X, I have a habbit of using people's fulls names when I need something from them only because they assume they are in trouble or something. It's always friendly and we laugh about it.\n\nI once worked with this guy named 'Ty' and one day I yelled 'Tyler' he looked at me confused and said nope then I tried again 'tyrone' and then every other Ty I could think of. After a plethora of nopes I finally gave and asked him his full name. He told me it was 'Ty' I was shocked because like you he was named his name and it wasn't short for anything. He told me a similar story as you and we laughed about it and I never called him anything by 'Ty' again. \n\nI didn't know. But once I did I respected his actual name because why would I call him anything but. \n\nI'm gonna go with NTA here even though i know I'm kinda the AH in that circumstances. \n\nBut foster or not your family backs you up. They shouldn't be forcing their ideals on you like that. Nico is a good name!, Speaking as someone who had the same issue (Vikki on birth certificate not Victoria), I can tell you it sucks at your age. Had so many issues with teachers at school for not answering to Victoria. I explained so many times politely that as it was not my name my brain didn't regester they were speaking to me. Especially as there were two Victorias in my class too. It would be like me calling them Fred when their name was George and expecting them to answer. They were convinced they knew my name better than me. Took me bringing in my birth certificate to get them to stop.\nThe good news is you have a supportive foster family (I was also one of those luckily enough to get a great foster family) that have given you the best advice on how to deal with the situation and are providing back up. I understand that you may not want to rock the boat because you are aware of how lucky you are with your temp family but they are backing you all the way with their own extended family, don't let them down now by backing down. You are Nico, end of. They will give up eventually when they see they can't bully you. A lesson worth learning sooner rather than later, you do matter and deserve respect. And the respect of being addressed as whatever name you chose, the fact that it is your birth name and has been in use for 16 years already makes their arguments even more ridiculous. Stay strong and best of luck to you., When I was a kid my grandfather (moms dad ) gave me a nickname. I hated this nickname and I told him repeatedly to not use it. He didn't listen. My dad told me that I can't be rude to him, but tell him one more time to stop using the nickname. If he kept using it I was free to ignore him. And that's what happened. I ignored him, repeatedly for months, and when I finally did speak to him I referred to him by his middle name (which he hated). Grandfather complained to my mom and dad and Dad told him he was getting what he was giving if he wanted to be called grandfather or by his first name he had to respect that I wanted to be called by my name. \nNTA but the people continuously using Nicholas instead of your name are total assholes!!, NTA This sort of thing can cause legal problems as well. My parents opened bank accounts for my brother and I when we were kids. My brother's legal name is the shortened version of a longer name, much like OP. The lady at the bank put the full version of the name on the account. It caused so many issues as none of his IDs or anything matched the name on the account, and they refused to change it "without proof." For a very long time. It's sorted now though., NTA\n\n\nI'm so happy your foster family are being (appropriately!) supportive with this. Their approach is both correct and very funny - well played foster sister Nicole! 🤣, NTA Op.\nThey're just being rude.\n\n\nStart calling them by a different name.\nI bet they get annoyed real fast! 🤣 , NTA. Rude people don't deserve your headspace. If making up names is something they're ok with then go ahead and make some up for them as well. I'm partial to the Dr. Cox naming conventions: https://youtu.be/6hsKgwo8eHk, NTA. To be honest, how dare they try to change *your* name. You are not an object. You are Nico. And thats a pretty unique and cool name.\n\nIn a somwhat similar vein my family tried to call me by my english name when they put me in school because they thought I'd fit in better. I changed my name back to the European way of saying it when I was in middle school and went from being one of about 50 "Alex's" to the only "Alek" and I have never looked back. I'm 35 now and only one of my oldest friends still calls me "Alex" from time to time, but he gets a pass because its not on purpose. That was just my name when he met me.\n\nMy family supported me and it's great that your foster parents back you up. What a weird hill to die on for the extended family... like... who cares??? Also its just childish. These are grown adults? How weird., NTA. I’m a teacher and every Nico I have this year is either a straight Nico or a Nicolai (even some Niko / Nikolai) and none are Nicholas. So not only are they being rude, they aren’t even that accurate on picking the “true” version of your name.\n\nNico is a great name and very popular. I can’t imagine it being an issue when applying for a job. No less professional than Ben for Benjamin or Alex for Alexander imo.\n\nI hope you get to stay with your foster family too. I want to foster someday and hope to be like them!, ‘Open to the wisdom of others..?’ Hun it’s your NAME. They don’t get a say. I think ignoring at the table is great., nta, my name is Alex but I get people who think its short for Alexander, my first name is literally just Alex., NTA and I'm so glad your foster parents have your back. Their family needs to learn that someone's name is non-negotiable and it's rude to call them something else. \n\nFrankly even if your name WAS Nicholas and you just preferred Nico, they'd still be TA for not respecting that. How hard is it to just call someone the name they use? \n\nPersonally, I have a feminine legal name that shortens to a gender-neutral nickname. Think Alex for Alexandra or Sam for Samantha. I only use this neutral short version, I have not introduced myself with my full name nor even written it out on a non-government form since I was a teenager, so almost 20 years ago. Still, people I've just met (usually older people) will constantly ask if my name is short for anything (I've started saying no) or will sometimes just start calling me by what they assume is my full feminine name (sometimes incorrectly). I either don't respond or correct them sharply. I introduced myself as X so that's what I expect you to call me. Full stop. It's just rude to assume you can call someone by a name other than the one they presented to you., DEFINITELY NTA!! how ridiculous to demand you answer to a name that isn’t yours, NTA, my sibling went through a very similar thing growing up where a teacher refused to use their real name. My mom RARELY got involved with our school but after hearing all the other kids had started calling him Christopher, she went up there and tore that teacher a new asshole. No one called him anything except Chris after that. \n\nSo, good job standing up for yourself!, I have fostered many kids, and I totally agree with your foster parents. Your name can be extremely important to you psychologically, and you should stick with what you're doing. (Ignoring those that are too rude to use your name) at the same time, I wouldn't fall out with them, just politely refuse to comply with their demands. This will be a good lesson for the future of not bowing down to people demands., NTA. I like your foster parents. Your extended foster family kind of sucks though. They are the rude ones for not addressing you by your proper name., It's more rude for other people NOT to use your name and shows complete LACK of respect. I absolutely love your fosters for standing up for you., ...] | 1836 | 20820 | 0.98 | /r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1go00yp/aita_for_not_responding_when_someone_doesnt_use/ | 2024-11-10 07:53:45 | NaT | 1 | 0 | 180 | 0 | 0 | 1 | 1 |
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